Celebrations.

My birthday is tomorrow. March 1st. I'll be 26 years old. Boy oh boy, how time flies.

I'm not going to lie the days leading up to my birthday have been rough. It is the first birthday in 13 years that I've spent without Marie. And knowing this has made me weary of any and all celebrations.

Her death has altered me. You can never prepare for something like this and i am surprised by how I have dealt with my grief these last few months. I am stronger and more resilient than i thought, I am just as fragile and delicate as I've tried to downplay.

But i haven't been able to suppress how weird and sad it is and will be to celebrate my big day without her. I miss her every day. I think about her every day. And I wish that she knew how much she meant to me. And I wish that people could understand how extraordinary she was and why her death and my loss will not be things I can easily overcome.

I've been filled with guilt this week for having to continue on without her but I simply don't have a choice, no matter how difficult it is for me to do so. And this week has been sort of overwhelming because all eyes are on me. Instead of ushering in another year with only my mom, Maire and a few friends remembering my special day everyone seems to know about my birthday and have plans to celebrate it with me.

Yesterday my aunt and baby cousin took me on a girls day adventure around town. I spent today at my friends house celebrating my special day with pizza, cupcakes and an awesome Buffy present. Tomorrow, the big day, I'm getting my first tattoo and then off to the city with Kat. Friday another gathering of small friends to receive presents and drink lightly.

And i am overwhelmed/joyed by all the love. Just three/four years ago I was a very depressed college senior with little to no social life. I felt alone and misunderstood and unsure what a future for a girl like me would look like. I'm still not sure. Especially now that Marie is gone. But figuring it out each day has been the challenge I need I guess to realize what is best for my life now.

And I can't get over how different life is these days for me. I am so different. My wants are so new. And the change is beautiful and painful. And as I sit here, hours away from my special day I am grateful, sad, weary and elated for another year with great friends and family. I don't think I would have made it this far without them and without this space (and your support) to share my thoughts and life with.

I hope everyone has a great March 1st. All of you will be in my thoughts as I celebrate another year.

~Beckett