I have to write this down before i go to sleep. Before I go to dream world only to wake up and convince myself that tonight did not happen.
Tonight I had a closing shift with Sean. I haven't seen him in awhile because my hours are wonky. Wonky hours mean less time flirting in the aisle with him and making inappropriate jokes.
So needless to say, it was nice seeing him and being around him and generally having him around.
We were heading out of the break room just as he was making a joke that he was aware that I 'wanted' him. He said this because he is doing some dumb intense workout routine that has beefed him up a bit. The few times we've worked together he makes sure that I get a peak at his flat stomach. Yep, I said it. He lift up his shirt, baring a very flat, toned stomach and ask me if I can see the difference in his body.
(Yessir. I do).
He asked me again tonight. To check out his newly toned body so that I could do my dumb girl thing and compliment him. I said i didn't want another sneak peak of his body (liar), so he stopped abruptly in front of me I bumped into him and pretended to be offended (at first)
"Aren't you a little bit interesting in looking"
(Of course. I am a girl w/desires and needs).
"No! And why do you care what i think of your body" I laugh patting him on the back and moving around him to go back to work.
"Because I know that you think of me"
(Please. I don't want to have this conversation now).
"No I don't"
"Oh, come on, yes you do".
"You have a girlfriend which means you are pretty much off limits, whether i think about you or not isn't going to make a difference at the end of the day"
He looked hurt by this for some reason. The nature of our conversation suddenly went from funny to semi-serious. He turned to me with his very stoic face like as if he is trying to pull the truth from me with his eyes. And I felt guilty for lying to him but too guarded by my feelings to admit that I like him. More than I should.
"You're right. I do have a girlfriend. But are you saying, outside of that, that you really don't think about 'us' at all"
"I mean-i do-maybe, like--it's....."
"....cause i do. think about us.
".....really?"
"A Lot actually. And I do, you know, consider us. If things were different I would want an 'us'. I just wanted you to know that"
Uh, asaywhat?!?! excuse me?!?!?! Did you just say this?
I stared at him with a stupid look on my face. And then I giggled uncomfortably. And then mumbled something incoherently that resembled 'yeah, me too'
I don't understand boys. I don't understand why he'd tell me he thinks of being with me in 'that way' or 'this way' or 'some way' knowing that nothing can or will come of it while he is with his girlfriend. Maybe he is trying to test me. Maybe he is throwing ideas out there to see which one I'll latch onto. I'm not sure. I'm just not.
And I'm not use to attention from boys. Sexual, emotional or otherwise so i misinterpret everything. But he looked all cute and 'do you think of me' adorable and I wanted to say "Yes! Yes! I do think of you. in the way you have just admitted you think of me! Now break up with your girlfriend, let's make this happen and carve me another vampire stake baby!!!'.
But things with him are complicated. Things with me are equally complicated. And my needs vs. my wants are completely confused by this boy.
Why must he be so cute. and unavailable. and so tempting. Why must i be so needy and wanting of his affection.
7 comments:
my very first thought as I read this: STUPID BOYS! WHY DO THEY DO THIS?
and then I thought: she's living my life!
I have no advice. The one very substantial time anything like that came up I blew it completely and totally (which I was told, years later). Evidently, if I had been a little bit more aggressive, if I had held a hand more tightly, - well. things could have been really, really different.
But since I always get it wrong I don't want to say: You should just kiss this boy and force the issue. Although maybe that's what needs to happen?
Some much more successful girl or boy needs to weigh in on this.
But damn, why DO they say such things?
I know!!! I wanted to hear him say this and yet I don't need to know that he thinks of an 'us' from time to time because i'll form even deeper feelings.
And i like him so much that I want to force the issue (as well as grab face, smooch smooch, smooch) but I know doing so may not get me anywhere. Only because of the girlfriend thing.
Even today, as I was leaving he said that he didn't want me to go because he'd just spend the next five hours sulking cause i'm not there with him. asaywhat?
At this point, I'm not even guarding my feelings. I'm not even setting myself up for the 'maybe he says this to every chick'scenerio. I just like that he likes and thinks about me.
Even if it's making things very complicated.
Geez, why must they say and do such things indeed :?
Okay, here's what you need to do: Say "what can't things be different? If you want them to be different, what's stopping you?"
Because, here's the thing: he needs to make his actions and emotions match his manly abs, and he needs to stop shitting around and either break up with his girlfriend and try things with you, or NOT, but either way, this torturous "maybeland" needs to take a turn. One way, or another.
Easier said than done, I know, I know, I know. But I was in a situation like this once too, and it led to the dude breaking up with his girlfriend...and then going back to her. But that ellipsis contained some serious smooching, so in that sense it was okay.
You don't have to force it soon, or ever, really. But if he says it again, just ask, "Why?" and see what he does.
And also: Go get you those abs, girl! You deserve it. :)
I do want them abs :)
It's so frustrating to hear a boy say that he wants you knowing that that isn't a possibility. What's worse is that when i told him that i wouldn't pursue something with a dude with a girlfriend he started talking about current relationship problems with said gf.
He never talks about his gf! never! and i felt like he was trying to convey that if he did break up with her he wanted to make sure i was open to 'something'.
But i have a fear that because he's been in a relationship with this girl for so long that I would be setting myself up for a short relationship with him. I would be his 'we were on a break' chick. Which I am not willing to be.
But that face. and those abs. and the way he laughs. the way he asks 'what's wrong' if i'm lookning distant. all of it just makes me a dumb. stupid. girl around him.
We are hanging out again in a few weeks. another pay per view event. another opportunity for us to sit and talk. I'd like to ask him 'why not' or 'will this ever be something' just so my affections aren't wasted on a boy i may never have.
time to put on my big girl pants and address things with this boy. once and for all. I can do this, right?
Oh wow.
Coming from someone who repeatedly gets herself into trouble with boys, I second Perpetua's advice - make it clear what you want, clarify what he wants and if what he wants is to stick it out with his gf, maybe set some boundaries?
I feel like he's not being fair to you or his gf.
You can do this! Good luck :)
I second (third?) the "clarity" advice. It seems like the waters are getting muddied and it might be more difficult for both of you to think rationally (though, admittedly, irrational and impulsive behavior is needed sometimes!).
Something to consider: as you probably know we boys have a tendancy to not think with the head seated slightly above our shoulders. The other voice sometimes tells us that we need a backup plan in case things don't work out with our girlfriend. Make sure you are not demoted to someone else's "spare tire" - you are too special to be a second choice!
My advice to Sean: drop that other chick like a bad habit!
aww i love you guys and your advice.
boundary has been a huge issue between me and this boy. Not only physically (him) but emotionally as well (me).
I was telling my friend Kat that I think about him too much. That when he is not around I think about how his day is going. I consider the aspects of his life outside of work that make him happy, sad, frustrated, yadda yadda yadda.
But i can't say that he does the same for me. 1) cause I don't have access to what that boy is thinking and 2) because he still has a girlfriend. and isn't any closer to not having a girlfriend.
And my biggest fear( as a.opstein pointed out) is that I am being set up to be his 'spare tire'. Not because Le Boy is an inconsiderate asshole but because he's human and has been with this girl for a long time and would want to rebound quickly.
And I always do this thing on the days when I feel like we are crossing a boundary again. I tell him that if he does like me, he should never set my feelings up in a position where they are going to get hurt.
I don't think he understands what I mean by this. Probably because he isn't thinking with the smarter head. But it's the closest i've come to telling him that I like him. a lot.
Argh! I'll have to figure something out. Admit how i feel verbally so that he either backs off with all the flirting because of his current situation or admits that he wants/ needs a healthy relationship with me.
Relationships are hard :?
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