I Wanna Touch You.

I want to touch Sean.

I want to touch him so bad it's all i can think of most days.

Ever since sunday I have been consumed with thoughts of being with him in every which way.

This desire is becoming somewhat of an issue lately because i am developing strong feelings for this boy.And not in an Art Boy, or Music Boy or McDreamy sort of way. I have seen this boy cry. I have yelled and been yelled at by him. I have touched and been touched (playfully) by him using hands and face. We have hung out outside of work. He made me a mother fucking vampire stake. The night before our lunched he called me on his break because he wanted to tell me a funny story. It was ten o'clock and I was just getting ready to play the Sims when my phone rang. I saw it was from the job and thought maybe the wanted to tell me to come in early on sunday or something. So i picked up the phone and the voice on the other end said 'yo' as if i'd recognize who it was off the back. And i did, because i know the sound of his voice like my own. He has a faint accent (he's from the bronx) and speaks with this very soft cocky authority. I tried to play it cool though (who is this) but he knew that I knew it was him. He had a really funny story to tell me and couln't wait until Sunday to tell me this, that's why he called. And for 15 minutes he relayed the stroy with excitement pausing where he knew i'd laugh.

Who calls someone to tell them a joke they'll think is funny.

Le sigh. I want to touch this boy. And be with this boy. And...be....with....this...boy.

And when I got off the phone with him, because he had to go back to work, that's all i can think of.

He is not my typical crush. He has sandy blonde hair and blue eyes and is sort of a jock. He tells disgusting jokes and has a temper. He is abrasive and cocky and says things before thinking. And yet, around me he is kind and considerate and funny. He quotes lines from movies and sings songs he hears on the radio. He lets me massage his hands when they hurt and if we have breaks together we share of mug of ice coffee that he piles with marshmellows because i like them.

Yes, I know i am walking a really really dangerous line with the boy and my desire from him. Yes i know this we have the sort of interactions that should not happen between me and a boy with a girlfriend. I know this. I do. But it's hard to explain all that i am feeling for him without sounding crazy. The best expalantion at the moment is...that I am looking to make a mistake with him because i know the relief, though short and fleeting, will feel good. He is the distraction I want from everythinng. He is attractive and smart and he likes me. So I am being selfish and unsafe with my emotions, I know this,  and yet, I want to touch him. I want to have him touch me. I want him to tell me his thinks i'm pretty again. I want him to find comfort in my voice. I want him to call me at fucking 10pm to tell me a story. I want to have him all to myself. And it literally pains me that this is not the case.

I keep replaying our lunch on sunday in my head. The scene and dialogue never change but i am examining everything from a different angle now that I've had time to think about it. For instance we talked about sex briefly. He is privy to my lack of experience in the sex department but I have never and will never admit my virginity to him. I don't want him to hold it over my head. I don't want him to think I am a frigid, no sex wanting ,virgin mary. Because that is not the case. I don't want to give him the impression that i am holding out for religious reason. Because that is not the case. But it's hard explaining to someone, who has had a handful of sexual partners, that my 'former' relationships and lack of sex is related to anxiety.

Because....i....want....to....have.....sex.....with....him. I want this to be an actuality without any consequence.


At one point during lunch though, he complained about his facial hair. It's not a beard or anything, he just hasn't shaved in a couple of days. He turned around and looked in the mirror and complained that his gf wasn't a huge fan of the look. I don't like when he brings up his gf for several reasons. His gf ain't me, for one, and because i don't want to say anything that will make it seem as if i am putting her statement or preference down. But i love the scruff on his face. I like the masculinity it brings to him. I like the way it feels when his face touches mine. I like it alot. So I told him this.

And while he thinks I am terribly repressed and rigid and that my sexual inexperience is related to lack of sexual desire for him (if he only knew) i admitted, then, that I am attracted to aspects of men that make them men. I like the brillo like feel of their facial hair. I like the way they smell. and walk. and carry themselves. I like strong backs and how rough their hands are. And i like that when you touch them, their bodies react automatically; that our touch can stun even the strongest of men. He seemed to like this answer as much as i liked telling him.

On the walk back to the store there were several confessions made. One that he would date me if he weren't attached to the hip. And two that his attraction, to me,is sexual as well. That it is very very sexual. And I couldn't take it man. I can't have him confess these things without being able to reach out and touch him and tell him that i feel the same way. And it's so terrible to want the things you can't have. To be in this constant state of desire for someone who is much better at playing it cool than you.

Kat is no help in the advice giving department. She currently has a crush on the young married preacher who works at our store. We are in the same' longing to be with the one we cant have' stage that has consumed our thoughts and conversations. But i feel so connected to this boy, i wonder daily if he feels the same way. I mean obviously he would have sex with me ( 'i am really really 'attracted' to you'), obviously he would date me if he weren't with his girl but is he smitten with me? He brings up things that makes me think he is or has been. He offered to pay for my tattoo, he bought me a harmonica (because i played it as a kid), he attempts to be around me a lot, he apologizes when he fucks up. He hates apologizing.

He came to work angry as hell one day (his cousin was in the hospital, doctors weren't sure if he was going to make it). He spent the whole day, fuming and yelling at people and being a terror. When i bumped into him he avoided me, told me to stay away from him that day and stormed out of the room we were in. I, being a girl, ignored this. When i ran into him again, I asked if everything was okay, I asked if we were going to ignore each other the whole day or was he going to come to me like a friend and tell me what was up. He looked miserable. Near tears again. But those angry boy tears that just sit in their eyes.

We were standing in the hallway again, our favorite place and he told me that I need to just leave it alone. I needed to stop caring about what was going on with him because i couldn't fix it. I started to tear up and I told him I couldn't do that because i don't know how to be friends with people, i'm still learning how to do that again, and that I care about him and wanted him to know that i gave a shit. If he didn't want to talk that was cool but i wanted him to know that I gave a shit enough to ask if things were okay.

He didn't say anything. He stared at me. Let out a deep sigh. Brought his hands to his face. And then stormed away, asking me to please leave him alone once more. That night i went home and cried. The next day, he came up to me and asked if we could have a minute alone. We went somewhere private and he apologized for how he acted. He told me about his cousin. He told me about his anger issues. And he told me that i don't ever deserve to be treated like he treated me that day. That my opinions and concerns and 'voice' matter. And then i massaged his wrist because he said he hurt and he asked if we were okay and i nodded my head silently as i massaged the knot in his hand away.

Fuuuuuuck. What's a girl to do!!!!!

It is these moments between us that drive me crazy. When he displays these very rare and sincere emotions towards me that i take to heart. I keep hoping that he feels at least a little of what i feel for him every day. That he wants to touch me as much as I want to touch and have him. And tomorrow we close together and I'm going to have to play it cool and forget that he said he would be with me and have sex with me and care about and for me if he could knowing that I am willing and ready for all of this to happen.

Fuuuuuck.