The Cleansing.

 So amongst the extraordinary things i did this weekend, my favorite had to be attending the baptism of one of my co-workers.

It's sort of a long story, something i say a lot lately, but said friend has wanted to be baptism for quite some time and luckily our ordained minister and coworker (who also happens to be the guy Kat is in love with) offered to baptise her this weekend, as his church was performing this first baptism ceremony of the year.

She invited Kat and I to attend because she wanted support from her two favorite girls at work. We promptly invited Marisol, a friend who works in a different department at Le Sad store, to come with us. She invited her friend, Joe (who we all know and love) who then asked Sean if he wanted to go. Though Sunday was his 26th Birthday he said he wanted to support Cynthia and would drive down from the Bronx to bear witness to her baptism.

Outside of Joe and Cynthia, the rest of us aren't really church goers. We actually have, in some form or another, talked about our discomfort with religion and church several times. When The Preacher, it's what we call him at work though technically he is the assistant pastor of the church, heard we were all going he said pretended to faint. 

[ Side note: I was happy that Sean wanted to go. I rarely get to see him outside of work and in his Sunday best. He kept asking if i was definitely going and I told him I was. I wanted to show up on Sunday for him as well, because i wanted to give him his birthday gift after the baptism. On Saturday, when he walked into work, he stopped me in the aisle to block me from walking past him. Instead of skirting around him, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he picked me up and started carrying me to the break room.

The whole way i whispered, "I got you something for your birthday; don't be mad'. Don't be mad. Don't be mad. Is all i kept saying until he dropped me off in the break room. He said he wouldn't be mad but that he told me not to make a big deal of his birthday. I told him i didn't make a biiiiiig deal out of it, but that i definitely did more than i should have. He smiled and said I could give him said gift on Sunday].

 Lately I have been more than a little peeved with god because of Marie. Despite constantly being surrounded by people, I feel lonely and unhappy and sad more than I should. I am confused about so many things. I am overwhelmed by all of my wants. And I miss my best friend every single day. And while the changes in me have been...interesting and even lovely, it doesn't mean that i don't feel bad for having to move on after this trauma. I've come to terms with the fact that her death is trauma. 

But along with everyone else who decided to go, I wanted to be there for Cynthia . I put aside all my whatthefuckisthisreligionshit eye rolling and wanted to support my friend and her deep belief in her faith and her god.

So on Sunday, i wore my favorite polka dot dress and sandals and headed down to this little beach in this little town with my five favorite people and sang church songs in a theater and listened to a sermon about god and the power of christ while i starred longingly (and inappropriately) at the boy of my dreams who kept leaning down to tell me that I wasn't singing loud enough for god to hear me. After singing the longest version of Amazing grace, we gathered our things and headed down to said little beach for the 'cleansing' to begin.

I must admit, these days I'm not much of a believer. I continue to question my faith and belief and the concept of god all the time. But the walk down to the beach was something of a miracle. Surrounded by my best gal and my crush and my coworkers i felt incredibly happy. And the look on Cynthia's face as we walked  down to the beach was enough to let me know showing up for her was the best thing I could have ever done. We were all just happy to be together. And by the time we landed on the beach, her excitement about her new life spread to us.

 The 'ceremony' began as soon as everyone surrounded the beach. We dipped our feet in the water as each person getting baptised wadded in to the water, waiting for their turn to be submerged. The clouds rolled in just as the baptisms started, it began to drizzle, and the wind tossled my hair they way i've always liked it too. Kathleen was to the left of me, Sean to the right, Marisol and Joe were right behind us just as Cynthia's name was called.  When she reached the preacher in the water, whose hands rested comfortably on her shoulder, i remember holding my breath and closing my eyes like i use to do as a kid just before i took a big leap and lunge. A mix of nerves and excitement. A sense of calm before the storm.

When I opened my eyes, Cynthia sank slowly into the water surrounded by friends and family. We yelled and clapped for her. We laughed and teared up for her. And when she emerged, smiling and laughing, we were all there with her.

And  I remember thinking

A thought I have not have the pleasure of thinking some days

I remember feeling a way that I have not felt since Marie passed away

I whispered into the air amongst the cheers and laughter and warmth:

 "thank you for this. thank you for letting me be apart of this'.

Followed by tears.