I didn't have sex with Sean.
I am not going to lie and say that i didn't want to . Because I did. I do. Despite Everything.
I am currently reading a book called The Chemistry Between Us. It is about what attracts us to specific people. It is not so much about love but an explanation about desire. And more than ever i want to understand what it is about this boy that is making me a very stupid girl.
On Friday, after a night of flirting and touching and innuendo's he asked to come over to my house to watch a movie. He's been trying to get me to watch this movie (on netflix) for weeks. I am hesitant when people recommend things to me. Movies, music, books. I take my time following up. I want to watch things when i want to watch them. I want to read them when the mood is right. I take my time with everything. So when he told me to watch this movie because i was convinced I wouldn't.
When i was a kid my crush from school said i would like the song Yellow Submarine bu the Beatles. He was adamant that i would like the song and it would change my life because it was one of his favorite songs and for some reason it reminded him of me. It took me a couple of years before i got around to listening to the song and i fucking hated it. There was nothing about it that i liked. And all i could think after listening to it was that this boy who i thought i was in love with recommended this terrible ass song to me. A song that was suppose to remind him of me. So when Sean said i should watch this movie I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't going to watch it for fear that it would turn out to be a terrible terrible movie.
But on Friday he told me that he has a job interview with a company he's been trying for a year to join. He wants to be a fireman. But until then he has an opportunity to get a 9 to 5 gig that pays well so he can move out of his parents house. The interview is some time in October. He is at the top of their list should this position open up. He just has to ace the interview and he won't be at the store any longer. I am happy for him. I told him this. I even meant it. But boy am i terrified of how this all will end. And i realized suddenly that if he is to leave and get a new job and move on, I may only have a few weeks left with him to confess my feelings, see if he feels the same way.
I have known and liked Sean for 3 years. He has a girlfriend. He is an immature asshole. He has said and done some terrible things. He is not mine. I know this. I have accepted this. And yet there is something about our relationship that I can't shake. There are no fireworks. There are no magical sparks or even clarity. There is simplicity. There is comfort. I enjoy being around him. I like touching and being touched by him. When he goes out of his way to make me laugh or to see me, i feel so connected to him. I think about taking care of him all the time cause he's simple and strong. And unlike the rest of the very irrational crushes a la the past, he likes me back. Maybe not in the way i like him but in some way.
And the thought of him leaving frightens me because of the feelings that he has stirred. And i am nervous and anxious about losing him. After a disastrous summer with this boy, we have called a truce these last few weeks. I am no longer doing the crazy girl thing. I don't do jealous or envy well. I regrettably did both this summer. I may have adopted this from Kat who has turned out to be quite the crazy girl lately, another post/another time. He in turn is trying to be less of a douche. He is trying to take my feelings in account. While i haven't told him outright that i like him, it is evident. And for this he is trying.
Because of this raise of the white flag our relationship is stronger than it has been. We joke around, we flirt, we hysterically laugh our asses off. In two weeks we are going to our mutual friends birthday party. We've already admitted that we are going for each other because we both are not looking forward to it. It feels like old times yet newer. We are back where i like us easy and causal, except for the being attracted to each other thing which complicates everything.
Because if i am be very very uncomfortably honest right now I am still very much attracted and attached to him. There is still so much touching and innuendo between us. There is still so much sexual tension. The other day some one hit on me during our shift. I told him i was uncomfortable with that. He said that i didn't have to worry because I was his. I asked him what that meant. He just stared at me and told me it meant just what he said. I nodded my head and told him he can't say things like that even though i like hearing it.
It's so complicated. It's so inappropriate. And yet I still can't shake him. And he continues to show me affection that i adore. The other day, we went on break together. He asked what i wanted to do. I said 'i don't know read maybe' so he said he would come with me to read. We went to the children's department and took a seat on the floor next to one other and read. He was reading the league of extraordinary gentlemen. I was reading Closer. Periodically he would stop to read a passage from his graphic novel as i paused to listen. Then we'd go back to reading. Then I would find a passage I thought was interesting and read it to him while he nodded and gave his opinion. It was so fucking adorable, I hugged him afterwards.
Because of moments like this when he asked to come over my house Friday i was so fucking tempted to say 'sure, why not'. I did/do want to see this movie he keeps going on and on about. I did/do want to watch it with him. I did/do want to show him my room in all of it's awesomeness. But I knew it was a bad idea. I'm not sure what i would do with him in my room. I'm not sure what he would do in my room. And to be honest again, I am in no way or shape ready to have sex with a boy i am not dating. He drove me home Friday and we just sat in the car for a really long time. I thought he was going to ask me again to come in. I was prepared to say no. But instead he said goodnight and that he'd see me tomorrow. I blurted out that maybe we could see it some other time if he wanted.
But of course he did not ask me again to come upstairs this weekend. And i'm not sure if i am relieved about this. I am know i am making a huge mistake in investing all my energy into this boy. I know that i am seconds away from a huge 'i told you so, girl'. I know that anything outside of our hugging, and touching and lingering stares will be disastrous. I know this. I have thought this through. Realistically outside of him even having a girlfriend and anger issues and being severely immature i am most concerned that my inexperience could be taken advantage of by a boy like this.The idea of being in a situation with him where i am not comfortable enough to say no or that i need him to take it slow. The other day someone told me i needed a nice nerdy boy who will take me to parks and buy my notebooks for my birthday. And ideally, that is the boy i have always and still want. But i feel immune to logic when it comes to my attraction to Sean. I crave intimacy, primarily from him. And had i been a little more selfish I would have invited him upstairs.
I wish this wasn't so complicated. I wish i could look at this situation and easily say 'hey you know what this is a bad idea'. But i can't. And i'm not sure what to do about this. Because i know whatever i do or say. However i continue to behave and act around this boy is going to be painful in the end.
5 comments:
Ai yi yi.
I'm worried by two things you wrote: 1) the "you're mine" exchange, which is creepy-deepy. You aren't his. I don't mean that in a "he belongs to someone else" way, but rather in an existential "no one belongs to anyone" way. I don't like that he things of you in those terms. 2) I'm worried that you think you could be in a situation where you aren't comfortable enough to say "no" or "slow down." You can't fix the way he thinks about women, but you do have to get comfortable with asserting your boundaries. It's hard the first time you have "the talk" with a dude, but it gets progressively easier. The first time I had to do it, I did it in a letter. I couldn't imagine having that conversation, but I could write it out and explain it. So I did, and he read it, and all was fine, and the pace I set was understood.
And, I know I said this before, but sometimes...sometimes there will be A Boy and your logic, your better self, your resistance, they'll all be futile. You have to let it run its course, even though that can be frustrating/exciting/painful.
i'm so overwhelmed by this situation. every day i realize that i am not going to get from this boy what i think i want and yet i keep putting myself in a position where he is going to overstep a boundary of worse, let me down in some disastrous way.
For once i am at a loss for what to do. and it terrifies me.
Wow, your boy drama is like an angsty WB show--my fav kind. I feel your exquisite pain. I don't often have crushes, but when I do, I fall hard. And thought it's entirely irrational--well, the heart has reasons that reason knows not of. Or as Woody Allen says--the heart wants what it wants. But thankfully we have a BRAIN that can analyze and side with our better instincts. I think bad crushes is like a fever--you just got to ride it out until it breaks. Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes months, but eventually, you see in retrospect that he is a silly, sad boy not worth hurting yourself for.
I both agree & disagree with your commenter-friends. Part of me wants you to just go after him with abandon. Part of me wants to come up there and kick him in the balls.
I DO think there's a whole lot of sense in Perpetua's comment about logic and Boys. that dumb fight between knowledge and feeling is ancient, and you can read some of the greatest philosophers of all time flailing around because they're caught the same way you are.
though i was coming from a very different place, i do have to say that my Debauchery Phase was quite good for me. I was coming out of a shitty five years with the Lawyer, so context was really different, but just having sex with boys and keeping it all very low-expectation was very, very, very good for me. I don't think I could do it again, but it was something I had to get out of my system.
Just my own two cents based on my own small experience. I can, and do, separate sex/physical stuff from Big Relationshippy Feelings; you might not be able to do that.
I do wish this Boy were more worthy of you, though. And that he would get a fucking clue and lose the girlfriend and the dumbassery, and sweep you off your feet. OR that a better chap would waltz into your life, unattached and unloaded with creepy baggage, and fall madly in love with you.
why isn't anything ever easy?
Wait, you guys! I have an idea!
Dating profile. Really. Now, hear me out:
KNK is right. Sometimes debauchery is good for the soul. That said, you might have a bit too much (scratch that, you DO have a bit too much) tied up in this particular boy to just debauch with abandon. He's in a relationship, you work together, you rely on him for support sometimes, you have mutual friends...there's a LOT of baggage there, and unless/until you're officially in a relationship with him, that baggage is a lot to navigate.
Which is why you need to meet new guys outside of a work context, and a dating site (OkCupid, Match--but maybe not Match because of the $$$) is perfect for that. Here's why I think it's a good idea:
1. You need a distraction, and browsing personal ads is perfect for that. Hilariously perfect, sometimes.
2. You need to know that other guys would be into you. Because, really, they would. But you won't know that until you actually see it.
3. ANONYMITY. We've all dated at work, and we've all seen the peril it brings. So, you meet a dude online, you see him once, and it sucks? You never have to see him again. Not ever!
4. You need to show Sean that you're not his. Okay, maybe I'm projecting too much, but that bugs the shit out of me. He's basically depending on the idea that he can have you whenever he decides he wants you, and you need to disabuse him of that notion.
Obviously you have to be careful, and tell a friend where you are, and meet in a public location and all of that other Dateline NBC stuff. But I really think you'd have fun. Really.
End sales pitch :)
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