Every single day i feel like i am on my way towards making a big mistake with this boy.
I know i am going to get hurt.
I know i am setting myself up for quite the epic disaster. I know this. And yet i'd rather go all in and fuck it up and be a little reckless because i'm sick of being a bench warmer.
This weekend was all too much. He pulled me aside and said he missed me. He comforted me while i cried into his side. He told me that he is dating the wrong girl. He has fallen out of love with his girlfriend. That they aren't the same people anymore. He feels anxious and confused.
I gave him friend advice. I took my own feelings for him out of the picture. I told him to talk to her. To tell her what he is telling me. That maybe they do need a break, unless he felt it was something worth fixing. He said he wasn't sure it was.
I told him i probably wasn't the best person to come to for this. Because i'm biased and too invested to help. He stared at me for a really long time and i thought he was going to tell me something. I thought he was going to do something. But he didn't so i walked away.
Later that night, on his way out, he walked by me to say goodbye. It was a very rushed 'i'll see you later' sort of thing and i was kind of hurt by how dismissive it was. I waved at him and smile weakly and then had that awful stupid girl lump in my belly and started obsessively thinking about the night. If he does break up with his girl, is it for me? I am the right girl? Why didn't he come over and say goodbye to me? I mean, i know he was in a rush and had groceries in his hand but i look for him before i go so that i can---
As my eyes start welling up, i notice his black leather jacket out of the corner of my eye. Just 5 minutes ago he was on his way home and he turned around and came back into the store to find me. He is walking quickly towards the kids department where he thinks i'm at, but he stops quickly when he sees me in the corner with a puzzled though relieved look on my face.
The motherfucker grabs me and pulls me in for a hug as I say 'i didn't think you were going to come back, i didn't think you were going to come back" as he rocks me into his chest. We stay that way for quite awhile. It is the safest i have ever felt.
He pulls away some minutes later and says he came back to say goodbye to me properly. I tell him to have a good night and that i'll see him next week (his vacation starts today) and then i watch him leave as i always do, regretting all the while that he'd come back again. And when he rounds the corner, and heads down the stairs, i tell myself that i think i'm in love with him. I think i'm in love with the boy who is a shitty human being most days but who came back for me. I fucking utterly obsessively love this boy. And i am willing to suffer the consequences because of it.
2 comments:
ckdowas13As far as the boy himself goes, unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, he's not good enough for you. Period. If he doesn't love his girlfriend anymore, he's not being fair to anyone, not to you or to her. But you can't rationally control this shit, or else no one would ever have a relationship problem. Ever. Good luck, lady. I have a feeling this situation is about to come to a head.
I know there are many red flags and warning bells around this boy, but i also know that you can't help how you feel. And it's true that getting more Involved will probably lead to you getting hurt. But the situation as it is now also seems hurtful. I feel like you've denied yourself all kinds of things, in one way or another, for a really long time. And this boy is definitely not the best thing to finally say yes to, but i know that you will do what you can to protect yourself (double entendre intended), and maybe getting more Involved will, I don't know, free you up somehow. maybe instead of slowly, gently coming out of your shell you just need to smash the shit out of it. Whatever ends up happening, whatever you choose to do or not do, you've always got some friends in Pittsburgh who totally have your back, all the time.
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