I'm going to try and blog as regularly as I can this year. I keep telling myself that I have literally nothing to say and that is why i have been a shitty blogger. I keep telling myself that i do not have enough time in between my two lives, social outings and sleep. I keep telling myself that if this space because on of those blogs that just fades into the blogosphere I would not be upset. But those are all lies.

The perk of working on a small campus is that I, essentially, get paid to sit and make sure the office does not burn down. This summer I got a job working in Document Services (i make copies... a lot of copies) on a awesome law school campus near my house. Before Heather as I had a small falling out last year (around this time i think) she told me she got a job on a college campus that worked out well. 4 hours a day. Higher than minimum wage pay. And weekends off. I was sort of jealous about this because at the time Le Sad Store was cutting hours and I was clocking in maybe, maybe, 8 hours a week. If I was living with my mom or my aunts, these shitty hours would not have been such an issue. But I don't and my mom was helping me pay rent for a very long time.

In April I applied, half-heartily to the same job she was talking about because they were looking for someone to fill the afternoon shift. I sent in the application, totally forgot about it and was shocked when I got a call in August for an interview and was hired on the spot. It was a little awkward at first working with Heather and working out the kinks of our friendship, but here i am, sitting in my very own office with a desk and a computer and a gorgeous view of campus life. I absolutely love it.

For 1) I'm not in the po' house anymore. I mean, I'm nowhere near financially stable but my mom doesn't have to help me pay rent and I can every once in awhile buy myself something that i don't necessarily need but that i want. 2) Time away from Le Sad Store is dope. That place is a black hole. Some of us are there out of comfort. Our friends work there. The job is easy. There are books and music around. But it remains the waiting place. We are all sort of waiting for something big and better to happen and killing time is literally what we are doing. Yesterday we played the Empire Records soundtrack on the book floor and it was very sad and nostalgic because we are sort of there because we don't want to leave this weird stage of life where we don't want to grow up but we can't stay kids forever.

 3) For 4 hours a day I have the free time at the university to read and write, listen to music, or watch netflix on my ipod. Sure, I have actual work to do. I have a campus full of students and faculty to produce copies for on a daily basis. But the workload is rarely over 3 jobs, actual work consists of maybe an hour of my shift. For the other 3, I amuse myself with texting Kat, surfing the net, and writing smutty stories in my notebook. In between this I think i can throw in a blog post every once in awhile. Cause i sort of miss blogging regularly.

The other day i went through old posts. I was looking for the entry where I first wrote about Sean (October 6th 2009!) so i can pinpoint when this disaster of a relationship started. I of course continued to read entries from way back, jumping from 2007 to 2010 to last winter when things went to shit, and more than anything what i love about blogging is having a documented proof of events. I like reading about Mike and Art boy. I forgot all about Professor McDreamy who took up a lot of space in my mind. I like reading about what i learned in therapy and seeing how it still applies. I would have never remembered my therapist telling me that when people get close or I begin to feel like I'm opening up I have a tendency to bail out of fear, had i not written about this conversation circa 2008.

So despite whatever issues are going in my life I'd rather be honest and up front with them and write them out so that I can access them later on and see how far I've come. Even if my days and thoughts are mundane, I'm going to make an effort during my four hour lull period to put my thoughts down again. Like today. Absolutely nothing is going on. Heather and I switched shifts so that I could go see Zero Dark Thirty with Kat this afternoon so I am at work very early praying that I get to just sit here for the next two hours.

During the height of our crush mania (she is still madly deeply obsessed with the married young preacher at work, as i am Sean) we use to go to the movies every Tuesday afternoon. Now this partially had to do with us actually wanting to see a movie and trust me we saw a lot of them, but at the time Sean and Preacher boy use to close Tuesdays. So after Kat got out of work, I'd meet her at the store (dressed very cute) and we'd get our interaction time in with these boys (god I'm so embarrassed by this but whatever) before our show played. We made plans last week to see a movie this Tuesday because we haven't hung out in a while but Preacher became a manager a few months ago and he doesn't close Tuesdays anymore. At the last minute she tells me she doesn't want to go to the movies Tuesday because he won't be there and she wanted to dress up for him (even though he ignores her after they had a falling out).

So she suggest that we go Thursday. I ask why. She says because Thursday is better and maybe i could switch with Heather so we don't have to see a late movie and....and oh yeah the Preacher is working Thursday. She bought a new skirt and tight set to wear just for the occasion. Because she has done stupid things for me in the past (driving all the way to PetCo for Sean), I agree to go along with this. But now, I am second guessing the whole thing. For the last couple of months we have enabled each other regarding these dumb boys and I don't think it is entirely healthy. For a while it was fun but now it just feels exhausting and not worth it.I have literally seen her cry because Preacher refused to take candy from her that she went out of her way to buy for him. I have literally freak texted her in the middle of the night to notify her that Sean was in my room. And because nothing will ever, ever happen between us and these boys I'm ready to bow out of trying to impress ourselves in front of them for small momentary pleasure. It just seems like a waste.

More importantly I do not want to see Zero Dark Thirty. It looks very long and very boring and I understand it may be culturally significant but I'd rather see Django Unchained again or Gangster Squad or something with cute boys that is fictional. I mean if I'm being dragged along for the ride anyway so that she can be sexually suggestive in front of her crush I feel like I should at least be able to pick what movie we are seeing. Le sigh. The things i do in the name of friendship.

I should probably actually get back to work now. I do like that my very fast typing makes me look very professional. Heather and I have started a book club and we are in desperate need of suggestions. I'm not sure if anyone even visits this space anymore but if you have any kick ass reads you'd think we should check out feel free to let me know. Right now we are leaning towards reading Warm Bodies (i'm going to surf goodreads now for further research). I attempted to read it when it first came it. Didn't like the way it was written. Put it down. But I figure I could give it another shot before the movie hits theaters. Maybe.

~Becks