About This Weekend Part 1

For the time being Sean and i are no longer friends.

I am gutted. Simply and utterly gutted by this decision. But i don't really have a choice.

Here's the story.

Sunday Sean and I both called out from work so we could hang out. He wanted to go to a bar near his house to watch a PPV wrestling match and when he asked me, and me alone, to go I was elated. Instead of driving me home afterwards he said I could spend the night because his parents were away.

He picks me up at 7 and we head to the Bronx. Surprisingly we have a blast at the bar. We are both tipsy and happy to not be at work. He keeps leaning into me to say "i am so happy right now? are you? cause i am" and I look at him and say that I am. Genuinely happy to be there with him. When the match ends we have sobered up and head back to his house.

On the way there we talk about swimming in his pool. He had mentioned it before he picked me up so I already have my bathing suit in my overnight bag. He knows that I do not know how to swim so he makes promises that he'll at least teach me how to tread water. When we get to his house I tell him I am going upstairs to change into my bathing suit. He  looks at me and asks why i don't change in the living room in front of him. It's not like he won't see semi unclothed in the pool.

I laugh and tell him that i am going to change in the bathroom and when I come down he is already in his swimming trunks. The pool is not as deep as I thought it was going to be and i am able to stand in it with my head above water. We are in there for about 45 minutes. There are no lights on the deck so we are guided simply by our voices, the moon and the small flashlight he brought with him. I splash him with water a few times and he picks me up by the waist to lift me up and then throw me in the pool.

He talks about his fears of joining the Navy. I talk about wanting a new job and a new life and something new. He is cute in the water. He has very thick short hair so even when it is wet it doesn't lay flat. He keeps playing with it and telling me he needs a haircut. And I feel happy man. Even when he brings his stupid girlfriend up. I am happy because it is not his girlfriend in the pool with him.

My bathing suit consists of tiny board shorts and a black cap sleeved top. In the water it drifts up to my waist and then clings to me so that my flesh is showing. Sean places his hand on the stomach and asks if the softness he feels is my stomach or the shirt. I say it's my skin. He keeps his hands there for a moment and then pulls away. A few minutes later we decide to get out of the pool. On the way up the stairs he asks if I want to take a shower to rinse the chlorine off. I say yes and then he asks, nonchalantly, if he can take the shower with me.

I laugh until i realize he is serious so i say "you don't think it's a little weird". He seems annoyed and says "it's just a shower and if we were roommates we would shower together sometimes". I say "no, no we wouldn't" but nonetheless I find myself upstairs with him preparing to shower. I tell him he can come in with me but that I will remain fully clothed. He says okay. He turns the water on and I begin rinsing off.

Behind me he asks if the water is too hot. I say no. Then he asks if I really am going to keep my clothes on. I laugh and tell him that I am. He says he is going to take his shorts off because it's a shower after all. I turn around with apprehension but am not about to stop the boy because i like him and I've been curious about his nakedness and i trust that he won't do anything. He asks if i am going to look. I say that i won't. He says bullshit, that he wants me to look, just so i can let him know if he is as big as Michael Fassbender (my celebrity crush who's big dick i saw in Shame). We are almost chest to chest as he begins pulling down his shorts asking me to just look. I lock my eyes on his and tell him that I have a heart of steel and that I am not going to look just because he wants me to.

So he yanks down his shorts and for the love of god it took all of my strength not to glance down. But i didn't because he isn't mine to have like this. He isn't mine so why give him the satisfaction when its something i rarely get. When he realizes i am not going to look he starts to pull his shorts up and then is all "i can't believe  you didn't look" and I feel guilty because I don't want him to think that I am not interested. I don't want to wake up in the morning and regret that I was in the shower with my crush and i did nothing.So as he starts to leave the shower, i grab his arm and tell him to pull down his shorts again. This time I'll look only because he's being such a pain about it. He asks if i am serious. I say yes. I'll look but nothing more. So he pulls down his shorts again and it takes me a good minute or two before i am able to glance.

Because this is the first time i have seen a penis up close and personal i gasp and let out a nervous laugh when i glance down at his semi-erect junk. I look back at him and then back down at his junk and I nod and tell him it is pretty big (because of course the boy couldn't have a small penis. Of course, he had to up and have a, yep). I turn my back to him quickly and ask if he is happy. He says yes and thanks for the compliment. Then he wants to know if I am going to let him stand in the shower naked while my clothes remain on. I tell him that I told him i was keeping my clothes on and he starts saying things like "it's not like i haven't seen them before. We would do this if we were roommates. It's just nakedness". And once again, i relent because I don't want to regret and because in all  honesty, I want to be naked in front of him. I want him to see me. I want to be seen by him.

I agree to only take off my top but the bottom will remain on. I take my shirt off quickly and throw it at my feet. For a few seconds we simply take in the sight of one another. I tell him I'm done showering and that I want to get out. He says okay but asks that I wait for him to get out before going downstairs. So i sit on the toilet while he washes up. He says he wishes he could take a bath because he hasn't taken one in a while and I exclaim that i haven't either. And because we have now seen each other naked, we might as well....

So i jump back in the shower. He is already sitting down and sit behind him so as not to have my back against his...junk. The water fills the tub quickly and I draw my knees up to my chest because i feel a little uncomfortable. He asks if he can rest his back between my legs during the bath and i tell him sure (because my shorts are still on) because my legs can accommodate. So he leans back into me. My legs wrapping around his waist as his chest rest of breasts. He pulls my legs over his so that my feet are sort of on his thighs, my arms draped over his shoulder. I start running my hands along his chest as we talk about any and everything under the sun. At one point, I accidentally find my foot on his penis but I don't move it. I just keep it there, occasionally adjusting it from time to time.

And all the while I have a sense that this is not normal. I know that it isn't. For all his shit about us being good friends I know that I would never be in the shower with anyone but him. And outside of his hand on my inner thigh and my fingers running up and down his chest we aren't having sex. In fact, I ask him this beforehand if this is normal and he says it is because it's not like we are going to have sex. And because he would only do this with his gf, people he wants to see naked and me. I say 'ouch, thanks. I'm glad to know i am in my own category." and he says "you know what i mean. It's just body parts. It's just boobs and dick" and while i am no where near content with that answer or view on the situation, I let my apprehension go because it's Sean.

We are in the bath for what seems like an hour. There is talking and laughing and feelings of content. Then his house phone rings and it's his gf. It's as if his parents have just walked in the house because he jumps out of the shower and is frantically looking for the phone. He comes back into the bathroom waiting for it to ring again because he says his gf probably just wants to say goodnight. When it does ring he laughs and says he should take it off speaker phone so that she doesn't hear me. I roll my eyes and as they are talking about god knows who i grab a towel and head downstairs to the backyard because i forgot my glasses. A few minutes later he is on the patio calling my name. I don't answer because I want him to think I have disappeared. I want him to think I have gone away but then the light from his flashlight catches me and he asks why I came outside for.

I tell him i forgot my glasses and that I wanted some fresh air as well. He says 'okay and then asks me to come inside so we can watch movies downstairs on his couch. Clothed now in pj's, I am a little more relaxed despite the shower/bath penis show. We find ourselves leaning into each other on the couch until he asks if i would like to lay on him. He puts a pillow over his crotch and says 'see it's safe' and because I've always wanted to, I crawl on top of him and lay my chest on his head. I place my ears right near his heart so i can hear it thump. I place my hands under  his ribcage and snuggle into him until i think we are one. I want to stay there forever. I want to regret nothing. So even though I feel it's wrong, i remain silent.

We end up falling asleep after Rumble in the Bronx (literally the movie we watched that night). I go upstairs to sleep in his parents room while he remains on the couch. I cry myself to sleep and then have dreams about Sean's gf and about being second runner up. When i wake up I tell myself that i am going to have to get to the bottom of my relationship with this boy because it's not normal. When i go downstairs he says he couldn't get much sleep either. I don't have to be at work until 1pm, so we eat breakfast, watch some videos on youtube and then play with his pets (one of them named Roy who has to remain in the basement because of behavioral problems). He asks if i really have to go to work because I could stay over and we could go to the movies and make another day of this. But because it's 12:30 when he says this and it's not enough time to call out I tell him i can't and that we should get ready to go.

On the drive to my job i ask him if he regrets last night. He says why. I say because we were naked and in the tub together and stuff. And he says no because it's completely normal. I say but we aren't completely normal. And he doesn't say anything. He drops me off at work and wishes me a good day and then I spend the rest of it feeling like a boundary between us had been crossed. A part of me feels bad because i wanted to do so much to that boy in the shower but restrained myself because I don't want to be considered a 'homewrecker' and then another part of me feels guilty because we did things that would be normal if we were together, not just two friends with different body parts.

I am also worried that he will go and talk about what happened this weekend to our friends. After the valentine's day debacle, where nothing happened, I can only imagine the shit he would say to our friends. And despite his calm about naked time and penis/boob time, i've never been that naked in front of anyone. I've never done anything with anyone and i didn't want it talked about as if he was just a normal day at Seans house. Because of this I agree that on Tuesday I have to confront Sean about it and us and my feelings instead of playing house with a boy who seems confused by our intimacy.

It did not go well.

Part 2 soon.