So today Sean turns 27.
Stupid fuck face.
A few days before our weird weekend i asked Sean what he wanted to do this year for his birthday because last year he gave me such a hard time about wanting to celebrate it.
I spent weeks leading up to his birthday last year begging him to let me buy him a present. But he was such a grouch about birthdays and celebrations that i feared getting him anything cause he said he would get mad if I did. I ended up buying him windshield wipers because it was literally what he asked for and it seemed like a good compromise.
I thought I wouldn't get to see him on his birthday last year because he took off work and I assumed he had plans with his family or girlfriend but in a weird turn of events I actually got to spend part of the day with him. A mutual friend of ours was getting baptised on his birthday and she invited a bunch of us to go. Kat and I went along with another girl from work and Sean and some guy from work came along as well. We all thought it was pretty weird that he wanted to spend part of his birthday watching a baptism but i was too happy to be near him to care.
It was a nice day. We were all dressed in our Sunday best and on the beach and surrounded by love and new friends. I brought along another gift i collected for Sean and surprised him with it before he went home. While i hate giving money as a present (too impersonal) I knew it was something he wanted so I spent the previous week gathering birthday money from people at work. I collected about $78. I put it in a funny card and wished him a happy birthday, he seemed shocked and happy.
This year, because of the new depths of our relationship, I wanted to do something grand yet small for his birthday. Bar hopping with friends, bowling and maybe a burlesque show or even just a day at the movies. Something, anything, because he told me he never has good birthdays and I wanted this year to be special, especially now that he is officially going to the Navy in January. I wanted his last birthday with friends to be nice.
But that got all fucked up with his bullshit about 'that weekend' and my hurt feelings. And any and all plans were immediately axed by moi. This past week fared a little better than last week but it still feels like everything is fucked. I can't forgive him and he has yet to apologize. He gave me a shit apology on Friday 'i'm sorry i made you upset' but has yet to take any accountability for what he did and what he said.
And yet i feel like the person losing him instead of being lost to him. I want him to feel miserable. I want him to be sad. I want him to feel like poop. Poop. And two weeks later, it is I who feels bad. It is I who doesn't want to be lost to him. It's the most backwards shit ever.
And it's not to say he isn't trying or he isn't feeling bad but this situation just seems so much easier for him to discard while it continues to pain me a little. I am pained by it. Regardless, I bought him his birthday present before all this shit went down and I couldn't return it. So i spent most of last week, silently weeping as I put together his birthday gift so I could give it to him on Friday.
This year instead of cash or windshield wipers I bought him tickets to New York Comic Con. He goes every year and its the one thing he said he'll miss when he is deployed ( i seriously am not sure how this boy got accepted into the Navy). I wanted to get him a three day pass to Comic Con but it was all sold out by the time I went to buy them. Instead I bought him a ticket for Friday and Saturday. It cost me a pretty penny but I was more concerned about thoughtfulness than anything else.
Because the actual tickets wont be mailed out until late September, I only had a printed receipt to gift him. So i bought him a couple of weekly comics, a special Comic Con edition of TV guide and printed out a few campy pictures of characters from graphic novels that he likes. I stapled them into a folder, so it opens like a book, and wrote him a note on top of a Comic Con 2013 logo that I printed off the website.
I wrote the note just before I gave him the gift on Friday ( i took the weekend off and i won't see again until this Friday so I had to give him his gift a few days early). I told him that I know things aren't good between us but that wouldn't have stopped me from getting him a gift. I told him that as his friend I wished nothing but happiness for him. I told him that i wished he wasn't so afraid of being the Sean that i fell in like with; the one who is great.
He seemed taken aback when I gave him the wrap gift on Fir day. We were still kind of not talking but being polite and I nonchalantly said 'i got you something'. I then spent the rest of the night being a little distant and aloof. He didn't drive me home because he had plans to see a movie with this kid from work that i loathed. Before we said goodbye though I made him promise that he wouldn't open his gift until he got home. Or better yet, to try and wait until his birthday to open it.
Even though i had a spectacular weekend (I'll post pictures soon of my adventures) I spent most of it looking down at my phone hoping to hear something from him. But i haven't. Not a thank you. Not a 'you really shouldn't have'. Nothing.
I'm not sure why I keep hanging on to this boy who clearly does not deserve my attention. It's painful.
Happy Birthday Asshole.
3 comments:
Ugh, ugh, ugggghhhhhh.
Wait, so he's really leaving for the Navy in January? Huh. That's something. So is he going to marry his gf before then, or what? Joining at his age is kind of a bold move, isn't it? NOT that you guys are old, just that he'll be a full decade older than all the other new guys.
Huh. Sorry, I know that's not the news of this post, but it's kind of a big deal. I wonder what else is going on with him, you know? Like, why make a commitment to give up so much of your life when you can't even get your commitment to a woman straight?
Anyway. He owes you so much right now. Apologies, thank yous, hell, if he were a decent guy he'd give you money for the tickets. I just don't know, Beckett. The best thing for your mind and your heart would be to quit him completely, but how exactly to accomplish that, I don't know. :(
i'm not sure to be honest. when he told me he was accepted into the navy i said I was happy for him and he said "really?" and i said 'if this is what you want to do then yea, i'm happy for you. Then he said 'but i don't really want to go". But like most things with Sean what he says and what he eventually ends up doing never match up.
When he first talked about enlisting he said it was becaues his gf said she would think about marrying him if he did. So he might propose to her before then. I just don't know.
But if his chief concern is his gf(the one who's it for him) and having money then i think he should go. Do i want him to? No. But it's the one rational thing i cling to...that he's not mine to beg to stay.
This boy is fucking terrible.
he IS terrible.
sigh.
weird, though, about the Navy, since a guy of my acquaintance, on whom i have an apparently inextinguishable crush/like/something, is in the navy. he joined up right before he turned 34, i think. so....older than everyone else, by a lot. not really relevant here, but Perpetua's comment reminded me of him/it....
sean's the fucking worst. i want to sit him down and let him have a big ole piece of my mind. and, according to my friends here, i can be savage.
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