I have a more detailed post about the aftermath of Sean and I's fight. I wanted to write it all down so I wouldn't forget. And maybe because I could use some advice.
It's been a whole week though and I just feel like shit about the whole thing.
He said he wasn't attracted to me. He got defensive when I asked him if two friends showering and bathing together was normal. He got defensive and looked down in his lap and said that I didn't have to worry about him being faithful because he wasn't attracted to me.
He gave me the whole spiel again: his gf is way up here (indicating the sky) and because he's not attracted to me nothing would ever happen between us. I asked him if he was serious. About not being attracted to me. And he said "yeah, i'm sorry. What do you want me to say. Would you rather I lie to you. Are you only friends with people who are attracted to you"
He said this to me as if i had made the last four years of inappropriate flirting and hanging out on valentines day and him bringing me sand back and him kissing me on the forehead and him taking a fucking naked bath with me and him asking me to move with him to Delaware and him telling me on the way to the bar that he thought it was hot that i was older than him and him....gah, him being the aggressor. Always the aggressor.
He said this to me as if i was a child. As if I was insignificant.
And even if he was fucking lying to my face, even if he was trying to deflect the blame off of himself, i can't get the stupid words out of my head. I can't help but feel ugly and disgusting and undesirable. And worse, I think back to the girls he has admitted attraction to: Toothpick Girl and our ex-coworker Pam with the lazy eye and Cashier Girl and even his actual gf who a mutual friend described as pretty if she had a paper bag over her head. I can't help but think to myself that i'm 'undesirable' in the eyes of this boy. Me.
I am the one with the flaw. I am the one who will never mean anything. I am the one that in his eyes never had a chance.
What then is wrong with me.
3 comments:
Sigh. Big sighs and big hugs.
If we think about humans in general, and not about Sean specifically, then, yes, there are some people who you just aren't attracted to. And it's not because those people are unattractive or unintelligent or any of the other un-s. There are millions of wonderful, beautiful, fantastic people who just aren't for you. It's nearly impossible not to feel bad about it, not to feel like there's something wrong with you, but sometimes it just happens. Feels like shit, but still normal.
However.
If Sean is being honest, and he really doesn't like you "that way," then he has been messing with your emotions for years, and he is awful. When you don't like a person who is attracted to you, it's easy to shut it down, to make it clear that friendship is as far as it goes. If he has known how he has felt this whole time and has still led you to believe there might be a different future for you two, then he is The Worst.
And for the record: there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing. Sean is a shitty shit bag who gets off on encouraging your affection and then holding you at arm's length.
I don't know, but I think that there is something there (seriously, you don't take naked showers with someone and then practically force the girl to look at your penis), but he still has feelings for his girlfriend, and he's trying to have it both ways. Admitting he wants you would inevitably lead to a break-up, so maybe by saying he doesn't he's just trying to keep things between you and him as they are, since he obviously enjoys it like this.
However, no matter how confused he is, he's using you, and he really can't keep this thing you two have hanging in limbo forever.
Needless to confirm the sentiment that there is nothing wrong with you, of course.
there is nothing wrong with you, you are not flawed. stop thinking like that He probably does like you well I know he likes you in another way he obiously is attracted to you But it seems like
he is trying to be loyal to his chick maybe he's confused but guys don't talk about it specialy not with the chick that has you confused If he didn't like you why would he put you in compromising situations maybe he thought you would throw yourself at him after you saw his manhood and was thrown off that you didn't and if you brought up the gf he probably got all defensive maybe he doesn't well I don't believe he does that with all his friend he'd be one weird friend to have This is a very hard situation you are in I don't know what to write but don't think for one second it was you it's not it's him trust me see you in space
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