In less than two weeks i will be in Chicago with my mom for a short vacation. I know, what?!?!?!?!

In the weirdest turn of events my mom has a work conference in Chicago for 7 days and asked me to come along since my last visit was limited and underwhelming. She had no intention of going at first but I sort of begged her to go on the all paid for trip and to bring me along because she's my mom and loves me and stuff. 

So yea, less than two weeks away i will return to Chicago like a prodigal child. I am very excited about this. 

You don't know how much i need this freaking vacation. Or maybe you do. I am tired and lonely and feeling in the pits lately about everything. 

After a small panic attack last week I decided to email Sean and tell him not to contact me anymore. Of course because it's me, the letter was a lot nicer than he deserved. I told him that i appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that i am no longer apart of his life or the one is creating for himself. I told him i wish things could have turned out differently and that i hope he has a great life as i will not be a part of it.

I now wish I would have written something meaner and that I sent that meaner version to his fiance (where i said things like:  he is lucky i stayed in contact with him this long. that he doesn't deserve kindness from me. that i am angry at him for taking advantage of me and that i don't wish him or his fiance luck. The fiance whose email i now have and want so desperately to email about how shitty and sketchy her boyfriend is. And that i can describe how he looks naked and that he said he wishes she would die so he didn't have to deal with her. I would end the letter wishing them a loveless and unhappy union for as long as their sham relationship lasts).

 But i decided that was too harsh and to be the better man and take the high road. So I hit send on my nicer version and waited nervously near my computer for a response. 

The response i got was typical of Sean: which means i was disappointed, confused and fucking angry. I don't even think he read my email because if he had the last thing he would have responded with was: "I got you sand from another country. But i can't tell you which one. ~Sean" . That's it. That's what he wrote. I spent two days drafting my email and he writes back that he got me sand. SAND

I was disappointed because I wanted an actual response from him. I of course wanted a 'you're right. I'm awful and  I don't deserve you'. I was confused because did he even read my email? Did he read the part where i told him i was not going to be around for him anymore. Did he read the part where i said our lives aren't going in the same direction. Did he read the whole 'goodbye Sean' line????

But mainly i left feeling angry because his response meant he either read the letter but is not validating what i wrote OR he didn't read the letter and is still trying to string me along via hope. Hey Beckett i got you sand from another country. Remember how happy you were when i brought you sand back from Delaware!!! So that means i am thinking about  you while i am at sea. And that when i get home i''ll have something to bring to you. Because i love you and i'm sorry i'm a douche".

What bugs me though is that it's a fucking lie. Because Sean lies to make things easier. He's just not very good at lying. Because honestly where the fuck Sean getting this sand from. I mean really. He is on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. I assume they are on land for some time but not enough time for him to magically collect sand and bring it aboard. He did not collect sand for me (even if he did it wouldn't mean anything) He lied and created a story to keep me interested. He lied so i'd stick around. He lied because it was easier than the truth.  

Ugh. That motherfucker.

Since then i have been in a funk. Not even because of Sean and his shit ways but because lately everything feels different. I don't feel like i have attachments to many people anymore. Kat has her new job which is making it damn near impossible to hang out with her. I am never at Le Sad store, due to me quitting soon, and when i am there I am bored by what people want to tell me about. Everyone around me seems to have someone or some thing to keep them occupied and here i am getting emails about Sand. Sand.

So i am more than ready for this vacation. This time around it'll just be my mom and I and we already have a bucket list of things we want to see and do. I need time to be away from everything that reminds me of how things use to be. I am excited to be in this new place where no one knows who i am. I am not heartbroken Beckett. I am not displaced friend. I am not annoyed employee. I am not sad girl-sweat pants.

I'll just be in this girl in a big beautiful city snapping pictures and wearing cute dresses. For a whole entire week. I need that.