I expect to get some very heated opinions about the
questions I am about to pose...but I need advice. Actual, serious, taken out of
context, life advice. And though I have gotten plenty of it on the subject ...
I guess I just need one final one. And i don't know, I could use perspectives
outside of my own or my moms or Kat's. I could use advice from everyone who has
knows the emotional context rather than the physical one. I need advice and I
don't know who else to go to or if there is any one I can go to who would
understand better than you.
No matter how much I claim to be an pessimist, I will always
have this thought/assumption/desire/hope that people can change. I will. I do.
Despite everything life has shown me I am unable to shake this assumption. I
know this because I have changed. I find myself changing constantly and for the
better i hope. I am not who I was when I moved here 6 years ago. The girl I
knew before Marie died and the girl I am today are different. I am more
assertive and take more risks. I am a little jaded and distant. I crave
experiences...I welcome change.
What I will never know is if these changes are a result of
grief or a result of getting older. I feel they will forever be intertwined. I
miss Marie everyday, I miss the girl i was when she was alive. But i admit that
I knew the exact moment when i began changing and adapting to to life without
her. It was a swift decision as not to drown in my grief. I wanted to distance
myself from it and it became easy to do when I distance myself from the girl i
was when she was here.
I know about change. I am not an expertise in it but i am
definitely a product of it. So I know that people are capable of change; good
or bad. They are capable. I know this much to be true. I deal with it every
day.
Because this belief is such a core part of me...I am
conflicted about Sean's desire to re-establish communication all of a sudden
(do not make that face, lol, what else did you think i was going to discuss).
Worst, because it is under the pretense that he is 'a changed man' his words
not mine.
Let me sum up the
last few weeks: Sean contacted on FB because he finally received my birthday
card. After ignoring his repeated messages for a week I curtly replied: glad
you got your card. take care. He said he was going to send me a long email the
following weekend to, idk, thank me or talk.
I of course held some hope his email would say something
like: i'm a stupid motherfucker who doesn't deserve to know you but I am
reaching out because you were the best
person I have ever known and I fucked up royally. I know this does not change
anything but i will spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't treat
you as well as you treated me.
Or something like that. Just saying. A girl can dream.
Of course his email, like him, was underwhelming. He spent
the bulk of it talking about himself and life at sea. He brought up things from
the past that I once found funny. He mentioned some things that I posted on fb
and concluded the email with this:
I hope that we’ll talk more as time goes by. I will always
respond to anything you send me, and I will also take the initiative and write
you as often as I can. Take care and enjoy life. It passes by so quickly and
yet also at a snail’s pace. I look forward to hearing from you and seeing you
in January, Beckett.
Love,
Sean
Don't even get me started on how cliche and grandiose it all
sounds. I am fully aware. I wasn't going to write him back but after talking to
Heather, one of my more practical friends, i decided responding back firmly
might be better than ignoring him. I spent a few days penning the email and my
words. I talked little of my life. Told him a lot has changed and concluded
with this gem:
..you didn't have time for me in your life or more
importantly to be apart of mine. That is why I've been hesitant about this
recent communication. I have made space and time for those who can offer it
back. I want you to know that I am not about bullshit or dishonesty these days.
I have no patience for disrespect or disregard.
I have cut people and things out of my life that cannot support my
desire to be happy or to offer it in return. I am safeguarding my happiness
with barbed wire and I don’t want to waste either of our time if it’s something
we can’t offer each other. I will never be ready to share my experiences and
growth and life and stories with you as my friend if it is something you can‘t
offer back. This is something that is not negotiable in my life.
Take Care,
Beckett
His response...
I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious
points of your email, Becks. I read everything, and how I respond is thusly: I
will write to you as often as I receive word from you, and I am sorry for the
negative aspects of 'radio silence' thus far. I leave the rest up to you.
Not everything with me and you has to be a negotiation, but
I’m glad you still keep it real. Stay comfy and cozy and enjoy your life. Also
make room for jars of sand and rocks, if you still want sand and rocks.
Take care,
Sean
That was 12 days ago. I have not responded in 12 days. My
relationship with Sean often feels like we are playing a game of Chess but
neither of us are very good at it. The only thing we excel at is the part where
we wait patiently for the other person to make a move (however poor that move
is) and now it is my turn.
Right off the back, I am offended by how contradictory he
sounds: i'll take initiative only if you give me permission. I am sorry for the
radio silence but how and if we talk is up to you. And most importantly...the
assumption that I want to see him or his stupid sand/rocks in January. Where
the hell get that idea from.
In the few and limited communication we have had I get this
impression that he is trying to convince me he is new and improved. That three
months at sea has reduced him to a full fledged, respectable human being. That
whoever he was, he isn't now and I should be open to this new and improved
version of Sean; Sean 2.0
But this is where the advice giving part comes in. Because while
the big rational part of me is saying "Sean is full of shit" and I
need to eliminate him from my life the other part of me knows that people are
capable of change. I know this. I have seen it. But when it comes to this boy
at this particular time in my life, it is not something i can believe or accept
as fact.
In my heart I do not believe he is capable of being a good
person or man. I am not swayed by whatever has transpired at Sea. I imagine
that he is lonely and bored which makes him desperate for attention and
affirmation. I know on a ship full of sailors much younger and/or much older
than him that he is alone. He is without people telling him how great and
awesome and funny he is. Even if they are lying.
But is this just jaded Beckett talking? Is this the girl who
did not get picked, talking? Without invalidating all the fucked up shit he has
done is there no question in anyone's mind, including my own that Sean is
always going to be...you know, Sean. A person with questionable morals. A
cheater. A liar. A Manipulator. A fucking psycho. Because this is who I know.
This is who, in my mind he is always going to be. And while I know I can be a
hard ass. While I know that I am not always so forgiving of those who fault me,
I have given Sean more than enough opportunities to be a better person. Because
maybe that is what (good) change is about; not being new but being a better
version of yourself.
So maybe the question I am asking myself (and you) is...has
Sean changed? Can he 'be better' And if so, does it matter? Does it matter?
I am 95% sure that the answer is no. Sean hasn't changed.
Sean will never change. And unfortunately his best self is a let down. Always a
let down. He is a person capable of hurting someone he claims to love. He is
above all a liar to others and himself.
I struggle every day to realize that I deserve more. I
obviously have self worth/esteem issues and have equated the many losses of my
life as failures to sustain relationships. The hardest thing i have learned so
far is that love is not enough. It doesn't make people stay. It doesn't save
lives. It doesn't make you the victor in loving someone. It is great and all
encompassing. It is a pleasure to give and receive but it is not enough. Not
all the time.
And i have often thought
this means that I am not enough. That I am not deserving of this great elusive
happiness. Have no fear I am slowly working my way out of this black and white
thinking. I have to tell that nagging voice to quiet and let me breathe. And i
do not believe now that Sean could offer that to me-happiness. I did once, not
too very long ago, because i didn't know any better but I know better now. My relationship with Sean was personified by
that personal fear. He gave me the attention and surface affection I have never
felt like I deserved and though it fed his ego it also. more aptly, satisfied
my loneliness.
Because I was lonely.
I am sometimes more alone than I like to admit. I worry about this sometimes.
And I just want to make sure this doesn't influence what Sean is trying to
sell. Because even when I entertain the other 5% of Sean's proposal. Auto Sean.
2.0 Sean. Captain New... I open myself to disappointment. From himself and from
me.
I definitely could use some sage advice right about now. I
know, i've heard it all before but I would like to know what someone would do
if they were in my shoes. I get the sense that many have been in similar
situation and they've survived it well enough. I'd like to believe I will too
even though right now I feel a little beat up and worn down
3 comments:
Here is some sage advice from the queen of talkshow herself, her royal highness, may she dwell in eternal tv light forever, Oprah Winfrey:
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
~Maya Angelou
Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth.
I agree with Oprah. When someone treats you like shit, believe it. That's how they view you and how they view themselves and others. They are the center of their lives and you are expendable and used for their happiness and ego. We all intuitively know what it is to be loved. Truly loved and cared for. If someone makes you feel like shit, that's how they really feel about you. Can they change? Are they changing? How many chances should you give them to change? It takes decades of dedicated self-awareness and hard work. It ain't gonna happen over 3 months at sea. It prob ain't gonna happen over 3 years at sea. Real change requires counseling, education, years of hard work. You don't have the time to waste waiting around to see if it actually happens with Sean. He is a classic narcissist and is trying to suck you back into his narcissistic circle for the sake of his own ego. But he may not even be aware of that. He probably has the best of intentions...he's just very shallow and un-self aware. As soon as you're back in his narcissistic circle, the emotional abuse will start again. This is what all abusers do.
Hmm. I have a lot of thoughts. I bet we all have a lot of thoughts. Here we go:
I think you can believe in the capacity for change and also not believe in Sean right now. Those two things don't have to cancel each other out. Your life has changed so quickly over the past few years. Since Marie died, you've been moving at warp speed. And maybe Sean can change too, but glacially. Maybe he'll be that better person twenty years from now. I don't think he's Sean 2.0 right now though, because he basically told you as much when he said that he's leaving it up to you to keep the relationship going. That's not change.
Don't wait for him. And even more importantly, don't compare other real guys to your image of the Good Sean that might eventually materialize. I have watched a friend waste five years this way, waiting for a dude she was absolutely in love with to become the guy worthy of that devotion. And he didn't. And he's gone. And she doesn't want to date anyone else because no one can measure up to this guy (who actually didn't measure up to the image in her head, either!). Please don't do that. Don't value the imaginary Sean more than you value yourself.
How long is his stay in January? Can you be away for it? Home, Chicago, can you swing a trip somewhere?
Hi there Beckett - how can we change if we never examine ourselves? Sean has never struck me as the introspective type, but of course I only know him from a one-sided conversation. His response to your E-mail clearly does not show any responsibility being taken for his actions, and he even went as far as to blame you! He took your concerns and feelings, said "haha, that's nice", and then left everything up to you.
You are clearly and intelligent and passionate person seeking to live life to the fullest; you should not be written off so easily. You deserve to have someone fight for you!! "I want you to know that I am not ignoring the more serious points of your email, Becks. I read everything...." However, does he respond? When you laid out your heart, did he say anything?
Listen to Alice, Perpetua, and KNK; you deserve better!
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