The Cubicle Life and Other Musings.

I am not going to lie...having a full time job is freaking weird. Having a full time job in a office is even weirder, if that's even possible. For the last 3 months I have been gainfully employed by a start up company thanks to my good friends gf, Trish, who saw an job opening at her job she'd thought i'd be good at. 

Seeing that i'd just quit Le Sad Store around this time the offer was made and as my hours were being slashed at the University (because the school may be going bankrupt), I was more than eager at the opportunity. The months preceding my new job were not great. While I absolutely love my new place (more on that later) moving sucked. I had actually been toying with the idea of moving long before my landlady broke the news to me. She didn't like when I had guest over, it was tough having to share a bathroom with three other women one of whom was a pre-teen who just discovered Bath and Body Works. I was concerned about my lack of freedom as well. While I had free reign of the whole house when no one else was there, I felt confined to my room because it was the only place that was really mine and off limits. There also always seemed to be this awkward tension between my landlady towards the end of my stay there as it became more and more aware I was just some person renting a room in her home. 

Oddly enough this discomfort of living there was made evident when Sean came to visit last Summer. He'd come over so we could argue some more and as we were leaving the house when we passed my landlady on the stairs and she gave a look so disapproving I felt ashamed, as if having a boy in my room was a rule punishable by banishment. When we got to the car Sean said 'you really should think about moving soon, there is definitely a problem here".  

So when the prospect of moving occurred,I was not at all pissed about having to leave, I hated the suddenness of it all, I hated being forced to leave because my landlady sold the house without giving me proper notice. I hated not being able to take the cat who loved me best of all along with me. I was attached to the memories of living there and leaving in some ways felt like I was leaving them behind as well. I wasn't prepared. After the move to my new place, I felt sort of alone and out of touch with everyone and thing. I quit the Le Sad Store soon after because the commute (which up until then had never been a factor) and my general dissatisfaction/discomfort of working there was overwhelming. Saying goodbye to the drudgery of retail was easy, saying goodbye to the extra dough and memories was hard. 

Unfortunately I quit right around the time my University sent a mass email revealing that they'd up and lost $2 million dollars of our payroll expenses and part time employees hours were to be cut immediately and a hiring freeze was in effect until the money could be 'found'. This bad news was only compounded by the fact that I partially quit Le Sad Store because I had an interview with the University right before the announcement of the freeze and was a shoe in for a new opening on campus. When it became apparent that that was not going to happen the move and quitting the book store suddenly seemed like huge mistakes. 

By Christmas I was all but through with everything and spent the holidays broke, depressed and seriously contemplating moving back to South Carolina. At the time I had less than $100 in my bank account, had lost so much weight because I could not afford to feed myself and pay for rent. On top of that Sean was home for the holidays..I will not go into detail about all that transpired between me and that asshole. It was not a fun time in my life. 

Anywho, around my birthday I was determined to turn things around because I was starting to feel desolate and without hope. Depression is like being on a really long slide, it gathers more momentum towards the end, so i awkwardly placed my feet against the sides of the slide before I hit the bottom. I had no choice but too.  Oddly enough keeping positive and optimistic was a big help but luck and sheer fortitude were also huge factors. My mom gave me money for Christmas so I could furnish my apartment, pay rent and purchase groceries (she continued to help me out financially until I got this job). I deleted every trace of Sean from my life and went from feeling crazy to sane in a days time.I also began sending out a ton of job applications and got a lot of responses back and after 3 months my friends gf offered me a job where she worked and I decided to take it (despite some other offers) because a new start involved getting out of my comfort zone. 

And so far the last three months have proved interesting both monetary and socially. Going from having no money to steady income has been an...adjustment to say the least. I did not realize how a) underpaid and b)poor I've been until I got my first paycheck. I am only making an entry level salary but the steady income is indescribable...well coming from someone who has never had a steady income. I am able to purchase basic life maintaining things without immediate guilt that I have spent too much money. I mainly spend my money on things I need (and from time to time things I don't: like home decor stuff) but have up until now been unable to afford...like a vacuum, an iron, a first aid kit, a toaster. I can also afford to buy food. Let legit food. The other day I made meatballs in my crockpot. Meatballs that I used to make a meatball wedge. 3 months ago I could barely afford groceries over $20 and my dinners consisted of cup of noodles. If they ever need me to be a spokesperson I am the girl for them because I will be forever grateful for their cheap and delicious meals.

 Coincidentally not being stressed about money has allowed me to adjust to my new place and town. I cannot tell you how adorable my town is because you wouldn't believe it. It is the Stars Hollow of the Tri-State area and I am adjusting well. I am decorating, buying furniture and cooking/baking (it's a studio so there isn't a stove but crock-pots and toaster ovens are god's gift to the universe). While I still have a lot to do before I am completely satisfied, my place feels more like home in the short time that I've been there. When I am not spending time at home I am hitting up the local overpriced bookstore, grabbing food from the various mom and pop eateries and dodging college students (it's a college town). 

I am buying a bicycle soon, so i'll have wheels to explore the colonial houses and tree lined neighborhoods on the weekends (it'll have a basket so i can carry my books should i decide to read by the pond near my house). Oh and on the weekends there is a farmers market with food vendors and flower stands. I have attempted to go several times only to be distracted by yard sales. I remain friends with a few loyal people from Le Sad Store and from time to time we all go to the bar and reminisce about the good times and catch up on our ever evolving lives. Kat and I are still madly deeply in best friend love and every Friday we marathon shows on Netflix (in pj's) and laugh while we complain about work and getting older.

 I am thankful everyday for my apartment and neighborhood and social life/routine so much so that I often get this overwhelming sense that I am in a dream i do not want to wake up from. I am fearful that it will all slip away some how because that is what happens you know. Things just slip away. I try not to dwell on this fear for long however. While my home life/social life is blooming....work is another story. 

The dynamics of working in an office closely mirror that of being in Elementary school: For 8 hours a day I am confound to a building where I sit at a desk (which, naturally i decorated with things from home), take imaginary notes, daydream about going home and complain about being there with my co-workers.This is not to say my job is terrible or what I do for a living is awful, because this is furthest from the truth. To be honest I am not completely sure what I do for a living, I work for an IT firm that specializes in managing website for big companies. I am the firms secretary/customer service rep/phone answer-er which means I have the least important job at our company. 

Outside of my friend's gf, I've only made one other friend at work named Lyle who everyone hates because he's uber nerdy and has a boundless amount of information that he loves to share (whether you want to hear it or not). He also talks about his gf all the time who he met on OK Cupid. If is not talking about cars, electronics or atheism, his gf is the main topic of discussion. While everyone else finds him annoying I think he is adorable and endearing. I also like not having to carry a conversation. I once sat through a whole lunch hour listening to him talk and it was comforting. 

The rest of my co-workers range from much older so I find it hard to relate or people my age who I find it hard to relate too and adjusting to them has not been easy. Anyone who works in a bookstore obviously have traits i generally thrive off of and gravitate towards: socially awkward, nerdy, imaginative, free spirits, oddballs. The pool at my current job is nothing like that. At our firm we have three teams of employees:

The IT Crowd: do you remember the SNL kit where Jimmy Fallon plays that overwhelming, know it all, curt IT guy, welp that pretty much sums up the handful of guys who make up our IT department. I once said hi to one of them and he didn't even look up from his cubicle. He just stopped typing, grunted a response and waited until I awkwardly walked away before resuming work. 

The 2nd team consists of our Marketing Squad: They are young, attractive recent college grads who hang out after work at the bar down the street and brag about the newest thing they bought. I wish this was an exaggeration. I once sat through a conversation of the guys of the marketing squad talking about cars and fitness competitions. There is only one girl in the marketing group and she is beautiful and nice. They are a tight group and I have been hesitant to approach them white flag style.

 Then there is the Support Group: I am a part of this group. We are a mixed bag of the leftovers on Thanksgiving Day, we don't make a whole meal but we do just fine individually. While the marketing team is close and social, the IT Crowd; standoffish and aloof, the Support Group seems to exist solely to work which can make the day drag. I have gone the whole day without saying a word to anyone on my side of the office and this appears to be a normal thing.

 Because I am so used to working with my best friends and making the best out of shitty situation, I often get nostalgic for Le Sad Store especially during my dull and uninspiring interactions at work with my co--workers. We are required to go to break in small groups (or alone if we choose) and immediately I joined my friend's gf group to eat lunch with. The lunch group consist of me, Lyle, my friend's gf, Trish, and her super closed friend at work who I have deemed Creepy Guy. 

Because I know Trish outside of work, I was keen on befriending everyone she is close to at work, you know, by proxy. I assumed whoever Trish was close to at work would be cool and nice and i'd make fast friends with them. I quickly realized that Trish doesn't really have a lot of work at friends except for this one guy named Shane. Shane is in his mid 30's, married with a newborn kid and constantly talking about how much water he drinks in hopes he'll lose weight. I kind of got a weird vibe from him the first couple of days but pushed them aside because Trish and him are super close at work. 

Then he started asking me really weird and inappropriate questions when no one else was around: like if i had more than one tattoo, specifically on my breast or lower back, or if when I say i am grabbing coffee after work is it code word for 'sex'. I made the mistake of allowing him to drive me home once and his reaction upon seeing where i lived was 'great! now I can stalk your house at night'. Really creepy shit! 

At first I didn't say anything because in front of everyone else he seems completely normal and harmless and I thought I was being too conversation. But no, I definitely know creepy when i see it, and for some reason I happened to bring out the creep in a lot of people. I started to shut down his advances a few weeks ago by being unresponsive to his attention. Instead of deterring him it seemed to anger and frustrate him so much so that he would reprimand me for stupid shit: like taking lunch by myself. 

We all used to go to lunch together in the beginning but I stopped going every day with them because Shane was giving me the creeps and outside of Lyle everyone else spent the lunch on their phones, making no attempt to socialize. When he noticed that i'd take my lunch at the same time  but would read or write during it instead of eating with them he revoked my lunch time invite(if i decided i wanted too) Yes, he said this too me in front of everyone. I was not allowed to eat with them anymore because too many people were taking their lunch at the same time and to resolve the issue, I, would not be allowed to eat with them so that at least one person was in the office to answer the phone "plus you're too busy to read to join us for lunch most of the time any way"

 It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard and immediately I knew it was a petty and immature response to my cold shoulder and rejection. Today I actually pulled Trish aside and told her everything Shane has said and how uncomfortable he makes me and that I am not above bringing my claws out if he continues to cross the line with me. Trish was shocked that he'd said those things to me and apologized, we then hugged it out and went back to our cubicles to do whatever it is we do for 8 hours. Shane didn't say anything to me the whole day, he didn't even make eye contact, which makes me think Trish said something to him. Hopefully he gets the picture. 

Of course, It's hard to sum up the last three months of my life in a post but those are all the major points. I am okay, I feel happy and things are falling into place....slowly but surely. I have this stupid app on my phone that stores my pictures and notes off of my room as little reminders I can look back on. Every day it asks "do you remember where you were a year ago...let me show you' and then it pulls up pictures and posts I made a year ago from my phone. I hate this fucking app. 

A year ago today Sean was here on leave for two weeks. It was the first time i'd seen him since his graduation from the naval academy. We drove around for 3 hours while he told me I was immature, worthless and did not deserve him. He told me he would never change for me and that I was the one who had to work harder to prove I was someone to stick around for. And at the time I think I believed it. I thought he was as good as it was going to get. 

But what a difference as year has made. In a year I have proven him and myself wrong. Things aren't perfect and I am still adjusting and trying to figure shit out but....but things are better than they've been in long time and I am proud of how far I've come despite everything. I am happy. I am confident I am on the right path. I am free of self doubt and heartache which has in some ways allowed me to flourish and prosper one step at a time.