Boi Bye!

As you may or may not know, I had a little bit of an office crush these past few months. I didn't want to talk about it because after the Sean situation I have learned not to let myself get to wrap up in something that could or could not be.

This boy sort of came out of the blue though. He started working for the company about a year ago as a marketing representative and I did not think much of him when he first started. He was super quiet and hard to read and seemed only interested in coming to work and going home. When he did talk, it was only if someone brought up something nerdy (which was usually me) but then would retreat into silence as if he never uttered a word.

I remember thinking he was okay but then characteristically being turned off when during one of these rare moments of interjection he said "i have a girlfriend." after I made some remark about wanting to drive a Volvo. I thought the comment was so random and was a little put off that he said it as if I were digging for an answer I never questioned him about. My little bit of curiosity flew out the window after that day and I sort of went about ignoring him like I do everyone else at my job.

However, a few weeks later  he brought up the fact that we had a mutual friend in common. I was minding my business at my desk when he came over and sort of announced that I popped up on Facebook as a mutual friend and that we knew someone in common. I am not sure why this made talking to him easier but it did. The moment he mentioned that we shared a friend we instantly hit it off and the last few months have been great in the work friend department.

Turns out this 'boy' is the most introspective, musically talented, philosopher I have come across in a very long time and I was quickly swept up in his mystery. He was an engineer major in college because of his interest in numbers and concrete answers. He sort of 'fucked up royally for a while' and took a job in marketing because he needed to get his life together before applying to school again. He likes hip hop and philosophy, is a professional gamer outside of work and once quoted Plato and Thomas Jefferson during our many rambling sessions.

Because my office is super weird, we spent the most of this time getting to know each out via Slack (a g-chat isque form of communication which served the purpose of making us look busy at work while simultaneously allowing us to chat for hours with no one really knowing).  We spent the first few weeks getting to know each other on a superficial level, asking each other questions about our past, present and likes. He was a jock in high school turned nerd. He is a foodie and likes driving to remote areas and writing lyrics. He is self conscious about his weight and height(he's a giant compared to moi)  but he's also super aware about everything and everyone around him.

I can't remember where we went from superficial to in-depth but to put it bluntly: I found him fucking fascinating. I kept telling him this when we first were getting to know each other. He'd send me song recommendations throughout the day and every song, every melody every lyric was so beautiful I felt like he knew me. He'd genuinely want to know stuff about me and then be totally reciprocal when I asked him questions back. We shared enough similarities to make us friends but enough differences to keep each other engaged. He is fascinating, self-deprecating but honest and whenever i got the chance  I'd tell him over and over again upon each new discovery that I was utterly fascinated by him and his mind. Just fucking fascinated.

Of course, once we got past the initial stuff I knew that I liked him in a way that bordered on romantic and platonic. I may be a person who is unable to have a lot of platonic male friends. I am a person who does not think men and women can easily be friends without some sort of feelings shinning through. Trust me, I have had a lot of male friends I did not like in that way. But I have noticed that most of the guys I tend to like and fall for start off initially as good friends. I am more comfortable dating someone that I have a history with (be it a small 1-2 year friendship or in recent cases someone that I've known for a super long time) and more often than not, I (or the person) end up making a decision to just be friends or have suffocating feelings for each other. There is no black or white.

But  based on my previous mistake, I knew that I should probably squash any crush feelings that could come to the surface because he mentioned he had a GF when he first started working here and I just don't ever want to be in that situation again. So I enjoyed making and having a new friend. He made work the best place in the whole entire world and introduced me to the most euphoric music I've ever had the pleasure of hearing. BUT THEN, during one our conversations he said that he broke up with this GF (the one who drove a Volvo) months ago and I mentioned that I too was single and I'm not sure, something just clicked.

He started driving me home after work, where we spend the ride home talking about the universe and music and life. We'd smoke weed (i know, i know...i only smoke socially) and ask each other questions and bond like i haven't bonded with any other person in a long time. I couldn't get over how open and honest he was about everything. He seemed filled with regret over being someone who picked on people in school but then also very apprehensive about his future and trying to figure out what he wanted to do with this life. And every time we'd get to this point of our interactions, I'd become even more fascinated.

But for every great interaction between us, he'd respond by sometimes retreating for days into silence. I tried not to take it personally but of course that was pretty tough to do cause I enjoyed talking to him and being around him. Despite our shared singlehood, I wanted mainly to be his friend because as his friend we could see where or if anything transpired. And because I knew we only had a limited time left as colleagues (he was accepted to an engineer program and would only be working in the office until August) I was tasked with becoming his friend while also leaving our budding friendship open to progressing naturally.

I thought I was doing a bang up job of this. Thought being the best word i can think of at the moment. Despite the pitter patter and the rumblings on interest in my chest, despite catching him on numerous occasions starring at me from his desk, I tried to keep it as friendly as possible. Not so casual that he didn't think i was interested but not so suffocating that it would scare the living daylights out of him if he wasn't interested in me that way. It's a hard line to walk but I felt pretty good about how I was going about it AND he seemed pretty receptive about my approach. But then last Friday rick-rolled around and boy o boy....

So, we planned in advance to chill after work his last day. He is a professional gamer so he had a tournament to drive to that night but said he still wanted and could chill after work because it wasn't out of the way. We left work mad early (because Fridays everyone is on a summer schedule), drove to my house, smoked in his car and talked about everything under the sun. Towards the end of hanging out I told him that I thought he was a really dope guy and that he made work bearable and that if he wanted to hit me up anytime to just chill and hang out or nature walk and write lyrics, i'd be totally down for that.

Good, right? Well, i thought it was good. Especially since I am not a person who willingly puts herself out there. Nope and more nope. It makes me uncomfortable and I am petrified of rejection. So after I said this I was hoping, yes hoping, that his response would give me  hope that I have moved past this Sean situation a better brighter person...with a potential better brighter boy on the horizon. I was hoping but that hope was quickly dashed.

"Um, yea, maybe. I mean, i don't see myself coming up this way for a pretty long time so that might be impossible but I'll definitely keep you in mind, maybe".

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

I am emjoi cringing right now.  That is definitely not the response I was hoping for. One bit. After he said this, i said "oh, okay" and then slinked out of his car like the loser I apparently am. I haven't talked to him since and I guess, I won't ever talk to him again since you know...even being friends was sort of out of the question. Surprisingly despite the initial disappointment and embarrassment I am super proud for putting myself out there even if my attempt got chewed up and then spit back at me. I may have been baby birded in a negative way but you know it happens and it doesn't feel...devastating.

It feels a little liberating knowing I don't have to waste my energy on someone who doesn't want to be my friend...or my friend. It feels a tab bit liberating that I can have an interest in someone, have nothing come from it and still just kind of move on. Like today, I woke up, put my hair in a bun, got some coffee from Starbucks put on my gangster rap and heavy metal playlist and went about my day killing it at work and maybe even at life.  Maybe I am just finally learning that rejection is a part of life but it does not define my life or the strides I am making everyday.