Recalls

This morning, I had to drive to a Nissan dealership to get the recall on my car fixed. I knew about this recall the day i purchased the car but by that point I was so eager to own a car and not take the bus anymore, I told myself I'd take care of the recall as soon as possible rather than wait for the non-Nissan dealership to send it away to get fixed. .

But of course, as soon as possible quickly turned into next week which then turned into maybe the following week which became "maybe i don't need to get this recall fixed at all. I can just deal as is". It's not that I didn't have the time, I was just anxious that by taking my car in for a recall the mechanics would uncover some insidious damage that would render it un-drivable. I pride myself on being a pretty optimistic person but I am actually a bit of a pessimist and a worry wart. When things are good, I worry that it's because something awful is lurking behind good's corner.

I am a person who is rarely at ease. I expect the rug to be pulled up from under me all the time. That there is always some invisible banana peel around that i could slip and fall on.  I am not sure why I am constantly uneasy. But I anticipate the worst because when things are good I don't feel worthy of it. Growing up my mom would have to tell me (and only me) not to touch things in stores because despite everything, I often managed to break things. I'd get too close and then worry about my closeness which would result in some clumsiness that would break said item, Even now, I am clumsy to an un-adorable fault. Don't ever ask me to hold something because I will focus all of my energy on not dropping the thing that I get nervous and end up dropping it anyway

And if I can be honest this car thing has been the best thing in a really long time for me. The mobility has allowed me to benefit from the small graces of my little life. I can spend mornings now running errands, making breakfast, watching the news (um, Bob's Burger) and cleaning my house. My evenings are equally relaxing and great because of how much time I have now to do other things. And weekends, lord weekends, are magnificent and adventurous. I can hit up the farmers market, drive to the library, go shopping and cruise down my very small town where there are several farms and orchards. And because i am me, this is all done before noon so I still have the rest of the day to be an introvert and chill under covers while Netflix is on. It's splendid.

Things are generally good in my life. The car is an extra good thing, so naturally I feel uneasy and that perhaps the bough is going to break soon because I don't think I deserve all this good. I feel clumsy with it and that I will eventually, like everything else, drop it. I got this car at a unrealistic price because the dealership made an advertising error. Outside of a few small dinks here and there the car is literally the gem I was waiting for: 1 previous owner, low mileage, no major accidents.

This good fortune has me freaked out and perhaps the real reasons I haven't gotten the recall fixed is because I assumed this was the apex moment where things would come crashing down. That after today, I would find out something was seriously wrong with my car and that I would return to my dependent and limited life.

I am afraid of dependency. That's why, i preferred walking when I didn't have a car. I never asked for rides, I never took cabs or rode buses. If my legs could take me, I'd muster up all the strength and walk to my destination. I understood that I didn't have a car and that I was limited to certain areas for limited times. So i did the best that I could and I walked.

When I moved of course, walking to and from work was an impossibility. I moved to a town that was far from my work life and social life. I quickly adapted to taking the bus and train but I recognized that in doing so it didn't leave much time for anything else. I'd get rides from Kat and Heather occasionally but I never abused their generosity.  I never asked for rides just because, I never expected to be invited or included to things that I couldn't reasonably travel too and i didn't make plans that would require a friend driving.

I still tried to be as independent as possible even if that meant making social sacrifices. But of course having a car has imbued me with all this independence it's almost overwhelming. The independence feels so good and I know I could never go back to life before driving.    I am not waiting around for the bus or a ride from a friend or cancelling plans because I have no way of getting to a location. My new independence is magical and guilt free. This fear of course drives my pessimism, because i love the independence so much.

How I approached not having a car is not how my aunt has approached my new car situation and I must admit her current situation made me ever more afraid to take my car to get the recall done (I must note, for the most part there has been nothing obviously wrong with my car since buying it. It runs well, it sounds great and for a 7 year old car I am pleasantly surprised. But it is still a used car and people kept telling me the horror stories about used car ownership. So i knew at some point, I would have to get my car checked to eliminate big issues)

This weekend, I finally caved and spent the morning with my aunt who has been begging me for weeks to drive her around. She is the epitome of a dependent person, and my biggest fear is becoming as desperate and dependent as she has. Since getting my car my aunt has tried every excuse to get me over to her house.She wants to see me, she wants to make me dinner (she doesn't cook), my cousin Michelle wants to see me (she's 11, she only cares about her phone). After those excuses failed she simply outright asked for car favors: my knees are bad i need a ride to work/supermarket/shopping mall.

It was pretty bad. Just last week she asked me to drive Michelle to a girls scout meeting that was around the corner from their apartment. I nearly threw a fit. I ignored the request of course, but I was taken aback by her gall. I saved money for this car, I toughed out months and pinched all sorts of pennies so I could buy without leasing or financing and here my aunt was demanding that my car suddenly become part of her routine as well.

This weekend I was in her town for a few hours, so i took this opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.  I could run errands and drive with my aunt and cousin in tow. Of course this was the worst decision I could have made. As soon as she (and my cousin) entered my car, she needed me to take her to her friends house, to the supermarket, to the mall, back to her friends house and to a restaurant she wanted to place and pick up an order from.

She was pretty ungrateful about the whole morning. She complained that I waited so long to come and visit. She complained that her knees were super bad and times were rough and she wasn't sure if she could afford to take the bus this week (::wink wink::). She also kept trying to stall when I told her I had to head back to my apartment soon to meet a friend. She would quickly ask me to drive her to "just one more place". Eventually, I just headed back to her house regardless of the protest from both my aunt and Michelle. I only learned later as I was dropping them off that Michelle had another Girl's Scout meeting in an hour and by the power of deduction, I assumed she was trying to stall until that meeting begin so I could drop them off there.

As m aunt was getting out of the car and placing her bags on the curb, Michelle and I were left alone for a few minutes to chat. During this very brief exchange she exclaims "i can't wait til my mom gets you a handicap sticker so we can park in the handicap spots from now on". What the hell are you talking about kid!? Yes, my aunt recently had unnecessary knee surgery. Yes, she has been milking this surgery for 4 months now.   She uses a cane still and takes medication that are both unneeded. I have witnessed her theatrics in public places where she will tell sales associates of how much pain she is in so she can get special treatment.

But that special treatment ends with me. I would never illegally use a handicap sticker for medical issues I do not have! As the cars owner I am the only one who can request a handicap sticker for my car. So why, in the world, does my aunt think she alone is capable of obtaining a sticker for my car based on her bad knee which implies that I will be driving her around so much that having one is necessary. AND why would you tell your daughter this which in a weird manipulative way gave her the hopes that she would have a built in chauffeur.

I have no words. No words at all. I just sort of drove away and I made no immediate plans of visiting her anytime soon. She is what I fear I could become. This needy, desperate, dependent person who isn't ashamed by the favors she asks of people. Even when things were tough I made them work as best as I could, and as hard as it is for me,  when things are good I try to make it work, to sustain and care for it as best as I can. Sustaining however, always ends up being the hardest thing for me.

Today was my first attempt at sustaining. Today was my first attempt at not fumbling the things under my care. I notified my job that I would be a few hours late because I was getting my car checked. I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and was the first person in line to get the recall fixed. I was there for 3 hours. I chilled in the waiting area, read my book, watched Youtube videos and checked work emails. I shuddered often at the awful noise of someone working on a car: metal on metal is an unpleasant sound. I waited to hear my name called telling me everything was taken care of. I also waited to hear that I purchased a lemon and that my independence would soon come to a close.

Obviously, theatrics runs in my family. My name was eventually called and my car is fine! Well as fine as a 7 year old car can be. I'll have to get the battery checked soon and maybe an oil change in a few months but nothing so major to worry about. Plus, the recall was fixed which was the last major thing I had to check off my list when I first purchased this car. For some reason this makes it seem super official. I own something, this car is mine, I am close and not fumbling and grasping for air. I am sustaining in one aspect of my life and it feels nice. Cautiously nice but nice.  I don't know how to deal with this revelation but at the moment I am proud of my small achievement.