If I ever write a memoir, it will be called "I Have No Idea What the Fuck I'm Doing and Other Misadventures". The chapters will be filled with my slapstick attempts to manage day to day life stuff, along with a few anecdotes on how at 31 I still have no idea what i am fucking doing. At all.

So, last Friday Blue wanted to hang out at my house and despite the super short notice I was game to have him over because I am eagerly awaiting some serious form of necking to occur between us. Spoiler alert:it didn't. Though I am happy that the last few weeks with Blue has been exceptional and fun and super friendly, I have a tendency of wondering why all of this is happening in the first place.Why did he reach out to me of all people? Is he just interested in being just friends? Or more? Am I only interested in being friends?  Or more? I just don't know.

It's not that I am getting mixed signals from Blue, it's that I am getting no signals at all. There is neither hot-blooded advances or out-right "naw, fam we are just friend". There is instead this feeling that he is creating a list (as am I) of whether this is something worth pursing. If he wants to walk down this path that we can't decide later on to turn back from. A few weeks ago, he invited me to his place and I was all but convinced it was so he could make a move on me. Spoiler alert: he didn't.  And it wasn't like there were moments that could have lead to something more, because there were, but we both at the moment are kind of friend-zoning each other for reasons I am not quite sure of.

I like Blue a lot. We have so much in common and he's constantly texting and talking and seeing each other. A week has not gone by without seeing this boy...and yet, there is nothing...romantic unfolding. We talk and talk and talk which is fine but i can't imagine a 30 year old, attractive, friendly and single heterosexual guy just wants to re-kindle a bookstore friendship. And if he does...well, why me? To be fair, I was very receptive to his desire to get in touch again and am super excited that we've had a good time the last month but what's supposed to happen next? I keep thinking of what's next.

So when he texted me last Friday and asked to hang out again of course I was game. I got to leave work early that day so I ran back to my apartment, cleaned up and put on something more comfortable. I freshened the hell up, thinking this time the boy would make a move. That we could, if he is game, start this friends-with-benefits arrangement because we seem to talk about and around this subject a lot. But he did not. And of course, I did not. Instead we spent all night talking about sex and politics and sex and travels and then back to sex and then it was midnight so he went home. And I understand all the sex talk may have been his attempt to spell out his interests but there is nothing in his body language that tells me he wants to kiss or touch or do anything really.

He has told me in the past that he feels insecure around women. He has told me that he never knows what he is doing in the romance department. Unfortunately, I am in the same boat, paddling in the same direction and if one of us doesn't man up soon, I feel like we could be venturing into the dreaded zone of platonic admiration. We are seeing each other again on Saturday because I am heading home for Thanksgiving and he wants to see me before I go.  By god if nothings happen, i will have to risk it a bit and be the assertive one or accept this relationship as just a solid friendship. I must repeat, I am not looking for a romantic relationship. Don't get me wrong he is the ideal boyfriend material and I like the shit out of him. But I am not looking for anything serious or long-term. I'm kind of just looking for casual and fun and new, I just wish I knew how to go about achieving that with Blue.