from: [my email address]
to: {sean's father email address]
cc: [sean's military email address]
sent: Saturday 10:45am
subject: Re: Letters to my Son
Dear Mr. {Sean's Dad}
I received both your Facebook message and email and am glad to hear that Sean is doing well. It has been some time since Sean and I have really talked so your updates are appreciated. Unfortunately our lack of contact has much to do with the fact that while Sean is deployed his limited communication should pertain to family and close friends and we have mutually come to a conclusion that I don't really met either of those requirements these days. While he is deployed we decided to limit our contact as to give each other space to accomplish our goals independently.
I want to thank you for all that you and [your wife] have done for me these last few months. I understand the desire to share Sean's successes with me despite our decision to support one another from a distance. If you hear from Sean tell him I have received all of his messages on facebook and from his email and that I hope he is doing okay and that he is happy and safe out on the sea. I think about him often and can only hope that he is well. I wish you all the best and continue to expect only great and adventurous things from your family even if i am cheering you on from the sidelines. It's been a pleasure knowing you all and i thank you for having me along for this journey however short and brief it was.
Sincerely,
Beckett Amelia Hughes.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Return to Sender
No one tells you that being a person, whatever that means, is pretty hard. Pretty fucking hard and some days, despite your best efforts, you just don't feel like having to be a person for a second. NOT in the suicidal way of course. I guess i should preface that before i start ranting about not wanting to be a person these days.
As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.
My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.
On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.
As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.
Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.
But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.
To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.
What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.
I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.
But.
It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.
Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.
But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.
Because i am a HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.
As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.
My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.
On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.
As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.
Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.
But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.
To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.
What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.
I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.
But.
It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.
Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.
But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.
Because i am a HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.
Monday, June 09, 2014
Survivor Girl
Despite warnings from damn near everyone....I wanted to see Sean during his time home for leave. It's something i had to do. It's something that after four years needed to be done.
I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.
I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.
But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.
The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.
The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.
It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:
When i was in the fourth grade our class raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies. We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.
By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.
I was prepared.
But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.
I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.
And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.
But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that. There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything, should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.
At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.
But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.
I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.
And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.
Motherfucker is crazy.
Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.
I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.
But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires. I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.
It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.
I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.
I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.
I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.
But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.
The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.
The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.
It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:
When i was in the fourth grade our class raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies. We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.
By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.
I was prepared.
But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.
I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.
And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.
But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that. There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything, should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.
At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.
But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.
I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.
And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.
Motherfucker is crazy.
Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.
I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.
But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires. I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.
It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.
I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Sunday, May 04, 2014
Lord Give Me Strength Part Deux
Me: I don't think i've ever seen you happy. Not as happy as you've told people you are?
Sean: I believe you are correct
Me: Then what are you doing?
Me: Why are you doing this?
Sean: not many people see that i am more likely neutral or insanely pissed off but hide it behind an act of laughter and jackassery
Sean: but you're wrong too?
Me: how am i wrong about this [his engagement/unhappiness]?
Sean: u have seen me genuinely happy, because u've made me genuinely happy
Me: I don't know what i'm supposed to do Sean. You've put me in a weird position.
Sean: i think i should come home and talk to u face to face if u want
Me: And what will you say
Sean: I will say words, like always.
[End Chat Session]
Sean: I believe you are correct
Me: Then what are you doing?
Me: Why are you doing this?
Sean: not many people see that i am more likely neutral or insanely pissed off but hide it behind an act of laughter and jackassery
Sean: but you're wrong too?
Me: how am i wrong about this [his engagement/unhappiness]?
Sean: u have seen me genuinely happy, because u've made me genuinely happy
Me: I don't know what i'm supposed to do Sean. You've put me in a weird position.
Sean: i think i should come home and talk to u face to face if u want
Me: And what will you say
Sean: I will say words, like always.
[End Chat Session]
Friday, May 02, 2014
'Lord Give Me Strength'
Me: so when were you going to tell me about the engagement
Sean: [my gf's] health is not the best
Sean: I figured I might be able to do something about that thru navy benefits
Sean: she has a tumor behind her eye
Me: ????????
Me: So you're marrying her so she gets your navy benefits?
Sean: no
Sean: i'm not married
Sean: and no time soon
Sean: it looks like
Me: But if you aren't married how is she going to get your benefits?
Me: I'm confused
Sean: It's confusing, so you are not wrong
Sean: my family is giving me the business about how i should be getting married
Sean: but they are scaring her away
Me: so they want you to get married. but they are scaring her away. she needs your benefits but you aren't getting married soon for her to use them. sorry.not sorry but this is confusing.
Sean: accept it.
Thursday, May 01, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Once More With Feeling
Boy oh boy, this being a person with feelings thing is difficult. Just difficult. I wish there was an off switch for them. A temporary one of course, but a switch nonetheless.
I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.
This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.
I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears. I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.
In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.
On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.
But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.
Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.
This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now: in the sunshine and the warmth.
It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.
But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.
And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.
????
In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.
Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?
These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.
I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.
The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.
The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.
But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back
And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.
Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.
I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.
I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.
This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.
I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears. I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.
In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.
On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.
But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.
Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.
This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now: in the sunshine and the warmth.
It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.
But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.
And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.
????
In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.
Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?
These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.
I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.
The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.
The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.
But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back
And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.
Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.
I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.
As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.
But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously.
If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE') and he was easily swayed by the wind.
He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.
So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche.
I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.
And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%?
Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self.
I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .
But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him.
So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all. There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days.
I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep.
Friday, April 11, 2014
I did it.
As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)
After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.
So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.
8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.
So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.
I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.
So it's time to move on
.
As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)
After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.
So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.
8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.
So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.
I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.
So it's time to move on
.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2
After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.
And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity
I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.
I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.
I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.
Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.
And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.
And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.
So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.
So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.
Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.
For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject. I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.
I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.
However, in the same breath he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.
The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.
There were just too many factors against me.
After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.
Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.
Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.
We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.
We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.
The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.
The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.
And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him.
There were just too many factors against me.
Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.
Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.
We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.
The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.
And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him.
If i make it out alive today i'll finish up the post from yesterday and relay everything that has happened since i left Chicago.
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
Molly, You in Danger Girl.
No Way.
It was at times everything I could have asked for and a complete and utter disaster that had little to do with Sean or I but with every other factor against me and my attempt to....have sex.
Where do I begin.
Kat and her boyfriend drove me to the airport early Thursday morning and asked me a billion questions about the trip and what I planned on doing while I was there. I made it pretty clear to them that my main aim was to see Sean graduate and then hold him hostage for the next two days in my hotel room. It's as simple as that. Without being too vulgar or crude, Sean hasn't been able to 'do' much of anything these last two months. Boot camp has a huge no sex policy and he, surprisingly, abstained from self love. Because this boy has a huge sex drive I was prepared and looking forward to our weekend. Very much so.
After a small nap, I am startled by a strange knock on the mystery door. Not just a random knock but a procession of answer the door knocks. Because it was my first time traveling by myself to Chicago I start to panic. I duck behind the bed, as if it was my shield, and hold my breath because in my mind if I pretend I'm invisible the noise will go away. As soon as the knocking stops I emerge slowly from my hiding place only for my phone to ring. It's Sean dad and he asks if I can hear knocking in my room, I start freaking out cause my first thought is, "how can they hear the knock". I say yes and he tells me it's because it's them knocking! Our rooms are right next to each other.
Asaywhat.
When Sean's dad found out we had booked rooms in the same hotel he called the hotel to see if we could get adjoining rooms. When he spoke to the front desk person earlier in the week he was informed that it was unlikely they'd be able to accommodate the room situation in time. At the last minute though, they were able to find two rooms next to each other! How fucking awesome.
When I open the door there Sean's parents on the other side smiley brightly at the girl they have no clue is trying to have sex with their son (because of course they just know me as Sean's really good friend from work). For the next few hours his parents and I go out to eat and then crash in their room so we can watch a movie. We decide to call it an early night because the graduation started at 7am Friday morning and we wanted to get there early enough to get good seats.
As soon as I get into my hotel I do a silent scream/cry! While I knew his parents were going to be at the graduation and that we would of course spend time with them, I was not planning on having adjoined rooms. I was not planning on this trip being family friendly. I packed lacy underwear and short short skirts. I was equipped with protection and lust. Lots of lust. And NOW here I was a door knock away from his mom and dad. His PARENTS. I couldn't even fathom kissing yet alone having sex with this boy while his parents were within earshot, especially because they don't know anything of Sean and I's complicated as fuck relationship.
Regardless I thought maybe the weekend would be salvageable and that perhaps we would have a few hours to ourselves.
But of course....that never happened.
Friday comes and we get to the Naval Base bright and early. The ceremony was beautiful and patriotic and I looked freaking adorable in my polka dot dress and heels. His parents and I pose for a bunch of pictures before the ceremony and then take our seats next to this adorable girl named Jo and her fiancé's father who are attending the big day. Jo, who once again is very young, ask me who my sailor is and how long we've been together. I look to his parents quickly and try to come up with a proper way to answer the question but luckily the ceremony starts and I am able to dodge the question.
During the ceremony it was pretty hard making Sean out amongst the other tall, white, bald guys. In his previous letter he said he would be performing in the color guard (flag holder) and that he'd be holding the Mississippi State Flag. Of course when the color guard comes up, Mississippi looks nothing like Sean but because everyone sort of looked alike I snapped a bunch of pictures of Mississippi until I was positive it wasn't Sean. Throughout the ceremony we could barely distinguish one sailor from another but halfway through I spotted him and my stomach did that stupid flutter thing. At one point, each division was able to pose for photos before the ceremony and his dad managed to get onto the auditorium floor and snap photos of Sean. When Sean didn't see me next to his parents he mouthed 'where's Beckett" and I can't lie and say I didn't get a little choked up.
Anyway, after the ceremony the sailors who would remain in Chicago for the next six months got to meet their guests in the auditorium for an hour before going back to the base to move their belongings to their training school. The processing would take about four hours but afterwards family and friends would get to return to the base and pick their sailors up for what is deemed Liberty Weekend. Luckily Sean's was one of those sailors and immediately after the ceremony ended he was able to find us in the bleachers where we got to hug and congratulate him. He looked amazing in his navy blue Sailor outfit and white cap. After his parents got to hug him I sort of just draped myself over his shoulders and told him I wouldn't let go for a really long time and that I was proud of my sailor.
The reunion is pretty short lived and Sean has to rush back to the barracks (not sure it's called that but whatever) to pack his belongings. I can tell there is a million things he wants to say to me and there a billion things I want to say to him but the thing about his parents being there, that I quickly learn, is that we are on their time and their concept of time is royally fucked. Sean tells us that he should be ready by 2pm but that he'll give us a call to let us know where and when exactly he needs to be picked up.
His parents and I decide to grab lunch and then linger around the hotel until Sean is ready to be picked up. On the way back to the hotel I post a picture of Sean from graduation and tag him on facebook so everyone can see. What I was not expecting was his girlfriend to call his parents literally a minute after I post because bitch didn't know I was showing up to the graduation. She asks how everyone is doing, excluding me of course, and then begins to come up with every excuse as to why she couldn't go. She had school. She had tutoring. She had finals. I can hear her a little through the phone but not enough to take in everything.
The kicker comes when she tells his parents over the motherfucking phone, just minutes after Sean has just graduated from the Navy.... that her grandmother just had a massive stroke and is now blind in one eye!!!! Granny just had a stroke? is blind in one eye? can't get out of bed? may die soon? Oh, and the pet pigeon she had died last week! What the hell!!!! What the fucking hell! For all the shit I give this girl for being dumb she played her cards well. I can't compete with a blind grandma. Of course his parents are very sympathetic and extend their condolences. While I am not a heartless person I am too suspicious about the story to give a shit because of all the times to lay this information on his parents and possibly Sean...that day and time wasn't the best.
So now, I am fuming in the car. Fuming! His parent's wonder if they should break the news to Sean or allow him to call his girlfriend so she can tell him over the phone. I am caught between anger and hysterics. I want to laugh and scream because not only do I have to deal with his parents, and the room situation but now my horny sailor may be too racked with grief for TLC.
Motherfucking sitcom my life is.
Sean calls about two hours later letting us know that we can pick him up. Now, the ceremony ended at 10am. Sean called at 1:30pm. We didn't get to Sean until 4pm because his parents literally have no concept of time. Literally. I was already dressed and ready to pick the boy up and they couldn't find their shoes, wanted to google something, saw a commercial for sneakers, had to stop at Walmart for paper. It was insane.
On the way to the new base we got lost several times because his dad's GSP system hated us. All they can talk about is blind grandma and how upset Sean is going to be when he hears the news. All I can think about is how upset I am that on my last night in town I won't get the time I thought I would have with the boy. When we pick Sean up, he is pissed because we are almost 3 hours late. While his parents initial plan is to avoid the grandma thing his dad says 'so did you hear about {terrible gf's }grandma. Surprisingly Sean shrugs, says 'yea she told me weeks ago' and then asks where we are going for dinner.
THIS BITCH purposefully waited until the day of, after I posted his picture on FB to tell his parents her grandma had a stroke. She had weeks to call them and let them know what was going on and instead saved this conversation for Friday. I was livid.
As we are in the car Sean learns that I am only staying Friday and that in the morning I will be on a plane back to New York. He gets very upset and asks why I'm not staying longer. I'm a little confused because in the letter I sent him before I got up there I told him I was only going to stay until Friday because I wasn't sure who else was coming and I didn't want to be a third wheel.
When his parents are out of earshot the boy pleads for me to stay. He says he needs for me to stay. he wants us to spend my birthday together and that it would make him the happiest person alive if I stay until Sunday. Of course I am freaking out because I can't afford to stay an extra day. I can't change my plane reservation or afford an extra night at the hotel. My mom would kill me if I stayed an extra day. I would have to cancel on everyone I made plans with to stay with him. It's a terrible, horrible idea. But I haven't seen this boy in two months. Two months and outside of wanting to have sex with him, I crave being around him. I want to talk and cuddle and figure shit out. And he looks so damn good in the navy uniform.
We have to drop him off at the base around 9:30 and he makes me promise that i'll think about staying an extra day. He'll pay for my plane ticket back if i'll just stay. I tell him I'll think about it and then we say our goodbyes.
And in less than 12 hours I have to decide whether to stay in Chicago with Sean and his crazy parents or fly back to New York in time to spend my birthday with my Best Friend?
I am still trying to decide if the decision I ended up making was the right one....
To be continued of course.
~Beckett
P.S. Of course I stayed in Chicago for an extra day.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Today's the Day
I'm heading to Chicago today! I'm nervous as shit. I've packed and re-packed a million times. My mom has worried call about 2 million. Regardless in a few hours I'll be in Illinois and tomorrow morning the boy and I reunite after 2 months apart.
This trip is going to be interesting if anything else.
So wish me luck on this following my heart thing. It's impulsive and may end in heartache but it'll be a battle wound I'm okay with.
I'll update as much as I can
~Beckett
Update: landed in Chicago! It's effing cold but my hotel is awesome
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Got a call from Sean today!
He is officially a Sailor. A Sailor.
Our conversation lasted only a few minutes. He sounded tired and coughed a lot on the phone but hearing his voice after 2 whole months without it put to ease all of my fears concerning my impending trip.
I leave this Thursday to see him. He said he doesn't want to do much accept spend the whole weekend holed up in a hotel with me.
I am over the moon excited. I have not seen or talked to or touched this boy in a very long time and I plan on doing all of that and more with him this weekend.
This may be the best and most devastating birthday ever.
He is officially a Sailor. A Sailor.
Our conversation lasted only a few minutes. He sounded tired and coughed a lot on the phone but hearing his voice after 2 whole months without it put to ease all of my fears concerning my impending trip.
I leave this Thursday to see him. He said he doesn't want to do much accept spend the whole weekend holed up in a hotel with me.
I am over the moon excited. I have not seen or talked to or touched this boy in a very long time and I plan on doing all of that and more with him this weekend.
This may be the best and most devastating birthday ever.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
...and the frustrations continue
Dearest Sean,
I apologize in advance if this letter is uber short and curt but i wasn’t planning on writing again due to your graduation being [ ] days away. I am little pressed for time but hopefully you’ll get this letter before [ ] and can sort out some things accordingly. On Saturday your dad called to tell me he’d just gotten a letter from you and was surprised though happy that i am going to your graduation. He was very nice and seemed excited about the three of us getting to see you ‘cross the stage’ but was concerned that I wouldn't be able to actually see you graduate if i am not on the list of people who can attend. SO per his request he wanted me to make sure that have changed the names to reflect that your mom, dad and I will be in attendance because on your initial form letter I, of course, am not listed. This is VERY important and though i am pretty sure you are aware of this it would be a huge bust and disappointment if i got there and wasn't even allowed to step on the base yet alone see you graduate.
I do feel sort of bad and weird however that your gf and her mom can’t attend. Especially because they were the two people listed on the initial form letter as your official graduation guests. Your dad said your gf was busy with school or exams or tutoring so she wouldn’t be able to make it. Which of course makes sense but it still feels a little weird being the ‘filler’ on a day that’s so important for you. Don’t get me wrong i’m excited to be invited, even if secondarily, but it is a little disheartening planning this trip knowing i wasn’t the intended invitee. I feel like the replacement prom date who wasn’t the first choice but who’ll do because it’s last minute. I wish i would have been privy to the graduation information a little earlier to save myself this last minute rush. Cause i def would have agreed to go months in advance (and made arrangements‘) if i knew going was option. Right now the planning and packing has been a little stressful and everyone has not been as supportive of me going as i imagined.
As of now my mom, Kat and your parents are the only ones on board with me going, the very select few I’ve told have had choice words with me and have made me feel like a fucking fool for attending. I wasn’t prepared to have to defend my decision to see you to our friends but it seems to be the case. I hope that my attendance is because you sincerely want me there, it’s sort of the only good thing i’m riding on. Regardless of anyone’s opinion and concerns, I’m still going to go and am very excited to see you but PLEASE don’t forget to add my name to the list or i’m literally forking over [$$$$$] to see you for a minute or two. Sorry for having to send this letter to reiterate this (I mailed you a letter on Saturday before i spoke with your dad and the post office was closed Sunday and today due to the holiday) but your parents seemed pretty concerned that i wouldn’t be allowed on the base if the names you listed on the Form Letter didn’t reflect your current invite list.
Anyway, i am going to keep this letter short. You may have already seen that there are two letters in the package. [ ] felt bad for not writing you so i offered to send her letter in the same package so she wouldn’t have to pay for postage. It just seemed easier to send ours together because i’ve noticed a delay in when you receive your mail and i knew if she sent it via regular mail you would never get it. Have no fear, I didn’t read what she wrote as i want to respect her privacy and yours. If you do write her back though try not to mention our correspondence. The first thing your dad said to me was “you wrote Sean [ ] pages!” and it was sort of hard to explain that I’d written you multiple letters that accumulated to a lot of pages. I haven’t told [ ] that I’ve been writing you and I know she would give me more grief if she knew I was. She’d kill me if she knew how many pages i’ve written since you’ve been gone. So yea, try not to tell her anything.
As for getting people to send your more letters…I understand wanting to post your address on facebook but i don’t feel comfortable giving everyone access to your mailing address on a social networking site because of the provisions you have: like NO PORN. When it comes to [ ] or [ ] or [ ]or [ ] i don’t mind giving them your address because it’s one person but posting it on facebook seems like a bad idea because anyone who looks you up will have it. And it’s not my place to moderate what people can send you. I figure you could give me a list of the friends you’d like to me to give your address to (and i could email them privately) OR when you are able to have access to the computer or phone you will be able to give that information to whomever you want so my letters aren’t the only things filling up your box. I know it must be annoying to get mail from me and i apologize. I’m sure you want to hear from other people as well. So if you definitely want snail mail from your friends just let me know which option works best. For your privacy though it just seemed a little unsafe to post your business on the interwebs for any and everyone to see.
I’m sorry if the tone of the letter is a little less “Beckett-esque It’s hard not being able to have direct communication with you sometimes and today especially it feels like i am relaying information from a million different people in this letter. In this case i wish i could just call you up and say ‘hey don’t forget this, yadda yadda yadda….’ Because it’d be a lot easier. I know this letter may come off as a little angry or frustrated in tone and i am sincerely sorry about that. I was sort of surprise though elated to get another letter from you this weekend because there is a HUGE part of me, the only important part, that has been so happy these last 8 weeks being able to write you stupid silly letters and send words of encouragement so that you don’t feel alone while you are away. I know how it is to be surrounded by things that aren’t familiar. I know how it feels to be alone in a strange though exciting place. And I wanted to make sure that if you didn’t have anyone else you at least had me to provide you with a connection to home. It has given me a sense of purpose and like the journals has made me feel closer to you.
But then there is this other small part that worries that I am just filling in again for a role that isn’t mine to step in on. And i wonder if i am setting myself up to be swept under a rug where my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. I want you to be happy but there is still apart of me that is like ‘what more can i do’ before i throw my hands up and just back off. It’s akin to being in a group project and you are the only one who has done all the work and it’s frustrating and hard but you want to get a good grade so you take on everyone’s role despite how frustrating it is. And when you get that “A” it doesn’t feel great because you know you were the only one who put a 100% in it but you’ll never get the recognition for it. And tonight that reality is a ache i can’t shake. After your last letter, i sort of feel like that girl in the group project and it’s bums me out a little. So i do apologize. I don’t want you to think im not grateful or excited about seeing you. Because I am. I’m hella excited. I just wish…idk, never-mind, it doesn’t matter.
Yours,
Beckett
Monday, February 10, 2014
So...
I'm sort of going to Chicago for my birthday to see the boy officially become a US Sailor.
Holy Shit
Holy Shit
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