Working On It

After Kat picked me up from the airport this Sunday, we headed out for a late lunch with a few friends. The late lunch had little to do with the fact that I was back in town and hadn't seen anyone in two weeks. My friends like food and this dinner was planned in advanced, i just happened to be in town this weekend to attend.

The night before a friend from work threw a BBQ at her sisters house (who is away on vacation) and much of the same crowd from that gathering attended lunch at this small authentic southern food joint nearby. Despite wanting to see everyone and share stories about my trip, I was reluctant to go. I knew i was going to be tired from traveling, i knew that i needed some time by myself after spending a week in a hotel room with my mom, i have felt quite disconnected from most of my friends (more to do with my mood than my actual affection for them) and i didn't want to shake Chicago off so quickly.

All in all the trip last week was exactly what i needed. I was able to go away and not be me in a sense. I was a stranger in a new place and i liked the feeling. I adapted quickly to the city and the streets and the atmosphere and felt at home. Chicago is absolutely stunning; the city is surrounded by water and at times intercepted by it. You can't turn a corner without sensing you weren't too far from a beach or lake. Despite being a huge city, it often felt smaller and more intimate.  And everyone was extra friendly and nice, there were so many parks and local attractions. I didn't want to leave.

I had a much better time than my mom though. I have never considered the fact that my mom is getting older. I am still at an age where she seems pretty invincible to me. She was an active mom when my brother and I were younger. She'd pull us out of school sometimes just to take us to a park so we could play baseball or throw Frisbee's. Like me she is small but strong and because this is what i have known it's hard seeing her in any other light.

But she was diagnosed with diabetes two years ago and her health hasn't been that great since. Not terrible but not great. She's been exercising and eating better this past year but she is not as active as i remember. Her work conference only lasted 3 days and we had another four days to ourselves. While I wanted to ride bikes along the riverfront and head to museums (stuff she would have enjoyed doing some years ago), my mom had little interest in leaving the hotel. In fact had i not been there I think she would have spent the next four days in bed or worse she would have cut her trip short and headed home.

There were times when this inactivity annoyed me to no end. I can often times become readily annoyed by things. I am irritable. Not all the time of course but sometimes. With my mother especially I was put off by how little she wanted to do. I didn't want to go hiking or stay out past midnight. I didn't want to spend hours in shopping centers or take long bus tours with other strangers. I just wanted to take pictures and visit parks and eat great food. I was able to do some of this while i was there but often alone as my mom had little interest in participating. I take that back, she did participate but for only so long before she wanted to head back to the hotel.

It was sort of a bummer. At times i was taking her demeanor to heart especially when there were lapses of silence between us. She seemed bored and distracted most of the time. She constantly talked about my nephew and her desire to see him as soon as she got back home. Her energy was only reserved for so little activity and often times I preferred being by myself if only because i felt less stressed around her. It felt like we were on two different vacations. It felt like we were strangers.

I called my brother frequently for advice and reassurances about the mom situation. He told me that our awkward exchanges had little to do with how we felt about one another but about where we were in life. My mom is a grandmother who is a few short years away from retiring. Her days consist of work and home. She lives in a small southern town where her favorite pastime is going to thrift stores. She is settling down. And I couldn't relate to this new version of her because it differs so greatly from where I am in life. I guess i wanted us to share our differences rather than be distanced by them.

Regardless of the awkwardness we managed to enjoy the last day in Chicago together. I finally had a Chicago pizza and hotdog. We walked on the riverfront for a short time and we stumbled upon a used bookstore and record store within the same block. It wasn't a particularly magical day but it was good.

Of course when i landed in New York Sunday i was a little homesick for vacation. I love Chicago. I loved everything about being there. I have a strange fondness for being new because I rarely feel I fit in. And lately i don't feel at place anywhere. I have this desire to start over every few years. To try a new version of myself out in the world until i feel happy. And lately this desire has been relentless because my unhappiness is vast.

I am unhappy here. Just unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fallout of the Sean drama (and today being his stupid 28th birthday isn't helping a girl out). A lot of it has to do with being 28 and having nothing to show for it. A lot of it has to do with loss and my continued feelings of emptiness. Everything here reminds me of something and that something usually causes an ache. This feeling was evident during dinner on Sunday, i just felt so disconnected from the familiar faces at the table. Kat kept asking me if I was okay and I replied 'of course' but I wasn't really.

I wanted to be somewhere else. Not necessarily Chicago even, just anywhere else. Though i joked relentlessly that I want to move there permanently I am not sure if the lure of the city has to do with the place itself or just my overwhelming eagerness to move on. To be somewhere new so maybe i will feel new. I don't know. I just don't know.

I sort of need the next few weeks to be great. I need a pick me up but i realize i will have to take huge steps myself to make things better. Not being on Facebook is a huge step. That motherfucker is a deathtrap of depression for me right now. I want to give myself a month away from that site, just for my sanity. Of course it feels a little weird but i'll adjust. I am trying to compile a list of things to look forward too; Kat's birthday being one of them. That girls been good to me and I want to celebrate her birthday as best possible. Outside of that i'm not sure but because crawling out of my skin and life in favor of a new one is not a possibility, i'll have to make do with what i have.

I think it's Love

I am back in New York after 7 glorious days in Chicago. My trip this time around was a vast improvement from my visit  this winter and i can honestly say i love that city and want to move there Asap. I have loads of pictures and videos to post (most of them using a 8mm app) and because i temporarily deleted my facebook account ( this week on social media is going to be rough thanks to someone's stupid birthday) I will post as much as i can right here. But first i need to shower and unpack a little and sleep. 

I had my interview with the other University today and I do no think it went well. I was all sorts of personable and adorable and enthusiast but one of the interviewers seemed unsatisfied by my lack of administrative experience. He was totally nice about it but when he found out that i have never worked with advising students about their curriculum he got all dull in the face and i got the sense that it was a deal-breaker.

Any other week i would totally be bummed about adding another bad interview to add to the list. Any other week i would lament about how shitty things are and how i am never going to get that studio apartment where i can make my own homemade lemonade. How nothing every seems to fall in my favor.  Any other week i'd feel defeated.

 But, not this week because i'm about to go on vacation so honestly the only fucks i care to give is delegated to packing and buying clothes and cleaning my room. My bucket list of things I want to see and take pictures of has been drafted. I am bringing my big fancy professional camera along and of course plan to take and instagram as many pictures from my phone (the above shot is from my first trip their) as possible.

I'm flying out early Sunday morning and will be in Chicago for a whole week. A whole week! The real world and it's shittiness will just have to wait until I get back.

~Beckett

I have an interview this Thursday for an administrative gig at another university and I have all sorts of mixed feeling about it.

I currently love the University I am working at. I have my own office. My hours accommodate sleeping in late while also ensuring I get out of work at a good time. It's only a 30 minute walk from my house. And the lady in the cafe hooks me up with extra chicken in my quesdilla. I also work on the same floor as the cute IT guy who i've have yet to form complete sentence in front of but there have been intense staring.

The problem is my job is only part time. I have no health insurance. I get no paid sick or vacation time. And there are no raises. The hourly rate i started at is the hourly rate i will make until i leave. If I had another part time job that wasn't Le Sad store I could realistically work two jobs for the next couple of years and survive as I have without a problem.

But lately i've been wanting things that have forced me to look for a 'real job' or at least a salary job. About a week ago we had this epic thunderstorm and I ran outside on the porch to watch it. I wore nothing but a flimsy skirt and t-shirt and listened to Smother by Daughter on my ipod. I have never been happier, which says a lot because the last few weeks have been tough. It was just me and the rain and music and I was incredibly happy. I spent an hour on the porch and when i finally went inside I realized that if all i could have were thunderstorms, lemonade and a porch to chill on i'd, right now anyway, be content.

And while i like where i live right now i really would like a space of my own. A small studio with a kitchen and a living room space. I want to be able to come home and have this place that is all mine. I want more space to decorate than my bedroom. I want to bring people into my home and have them feel comfortable. I want to be able to enjoy rainstorms and homemade lemonade from my own home.That's it. That's all i want right now.

Of course obtaining those things means I need to make more money and at this rate I'll be renting a small room forever if i don't figure something out soon. Change has always freaked me out though and I am nervous about the possibility of working at a new school. I have no real sound reasons for this apprehension, i just do. For this reason i was only applying to positions at my current University because of comfort but I've either heard nothing back or gone on shit interviews like the one last Thursday.

It was for a position on the undergrad campus which i spent an hour getting two via the schools limited summer transport. While i got there early for my interview I had to wait an extra 45 minutes because my interviewer wasn't ready. When i finally met with her she informed me that she was an HR Manager and that this interview was just the first of many to come should i be deemed fit for the position. She spent 10 minutes going over my resume (verbatim) and then dismissed me.

I was not pleased, especially because I took off of work to meet with her and this interview could have been done over the phone. She did not get a thank you for meeting with me email. And she won't.

I was actually hoping not too much in the job hunting department would happen this week because of my Chicago trip but the assistant to the Dean of whatever called today and was uber nice and excited to talk to me and I have an interview this Thursday.

Fingers crossed I guess. I could really use a nice studio apartment and kitchen to make lemonade and a chill space of my own to listen to dope tunes.

In less than two weeks i will be in Chicago with my mom for a short vacation. I know, what?!?!?!?!

In the weirdest turn of events my mom has a work conference in Chicago for 7 days and asked me to come along since my last visit was limited and underwhelming. She had no intention of going at first but I sort of begged her to go on the all paid for trip and to bring me along because she's my mom and loves me and stuff. 

So yea, less than two weeks away i will return to Chicago like a prodigal child. I am very excited about this. 

You don't know how much i need this freaking vacation. Or maybe you do. I am tired and lonely and feeling in the pits lately about everything. 

After a small panic attack last week I decided to email Sean and tell him not to contact me anymore. Of course because it's me, the letter was a lot nicer than he deserved. I told him that i appreciate him trying to stay in touch but that i am no longer apart of his life or the one is creating for himself. I told him i wish things could have turned out differently and that i hope he has a great life as i will not be a part of it.

I now wish I would have written something meaner and that I sent that meaner version to his fiance (where i said things like:  he is lucky i stayed in contact with him this long. that he doesn't deserve kindness from me. that i am angry at him for taking advantage of me and that i don't wish him or his fiance luck. The fiance whose email i now have and want so desperately to email about how shitty and sketchy her boyfriend is. And that i can describe how he looks naked and that he said he wishes she would die so he didn't have to deal with her. I would end the letter wishing them a loveless and unhappy union for as long as their sham relationship lasts).

 But i decided that was too harsh and to be the better man and take the high road. So I hit send on my nicer version and waited nervously near my computer for a response. 

The response i got was typical of Sean: which means i was disappointed, confused and fucking angry. I don't even think he read my email because if he had the last thing he would have responded with was: "I got you sand from another country. But i can't tell you which one. ~Sean" . That's it. That's what he wrote. I spent two days drafting my email and he writes back that he got me sand. SAND

I was disappointed because I wanted an actual response from him. I of course wanted a 'you're right. I'm awful and  I don't deserve you'. I was confused because did he even read my email? Did he read the part where i told him i was not going to be around for him anymore. Did he read the part where i said our lives aren't going in the same direction. Did he read the whole 'goodbye Sean' line????

But mainly i left feeling angry because his response meant he either read the letter but is not validating what i wrote OR he didn't read the letter and is still trying to string me along via hope. Hey Beckett i got you sand from another country. Remember how happy you were when i brought you sand back from Delaware!!! So that means i am thinking about  you while i am at sea. And that when i get home i''ll have something to bring to you. Because i love you and i'm sorry i'm a douche".

What bugs me though is that it's a fucking lie. Because Sean lies to make things easier. He's just not very good at lying. Because honestly where the fuck Sean getting this sand from. I mean really. He is on a boat. In the middle of the ocean. I assume they are on land for some time but not enough time for him to magically collect sand and bring it aboard. He did not collect sand for me (even if he did it wouldn't mean anything) He lied and created a story to keep me interested. He lied so i'd stick around. He lied because it was easier than the truth.  

Ugh. That motherfucker.

Since then i have been in a funk. Not even because of Sean and his shit ways but because lately everything feels different. I don't feel like i have attachments to many people anymore. Kat has her new job which is making it damn near impossible to hang out with her. I am never at Le Sad store, due to me quitting soon, and when i am there I am bored by what people want to tell me about. Everyone around me seems to have someone or some thing to keep them occupied and here i am getting emails about Sand. Sand.

So i am more than ready for this vacation. This time around it'll just be my mom and I and we already have a bucket list of things we want to see and do. I need time to be away from everything that reminds me of how things use to be. I am excited to be in this new place where no one knows who i am. I am not heartbroken Beckett. I am not displaced friend. I am not annoyed employee. I am not sad girl-sweat pants.

I'll just be in this girl in a big beautiful city snapping pictures and wearing cute dresses. For a whole entire week. I need that.

Why Won't They Just Leave Me Alone :(

from: [my email address]
to: {sean's father email address]
cc: [sean's military email address]
sent: Saturday 10:45am 
subject: Re: Letters to my Son 

Dear Mr. {Sean's Dad}

I received both your Facebook message and email and am glad to hear that Sean is doing well. It has been some time since Sean and I have really talked so your updates are  appreciated. Unfortunately our lack of contact has much to do with the fact that while Sean is deployed his limited communication should pertain to family and close friends and we have mutually come to a conclusion that I don't really met either of those requirements these days. While he is deployed we  decided to limit our contact as to give each other space to accomplish our goals independently. 

I want to thank you for all that you and [your wife] have done for me these last few months. I understand the desire to share Sean's successes with me despite our decision to support one another from a distance. If you hear from Sean tell him I have received all of his messages on facebook and from his email and that I hope he is doing okay and that he is happy and safe out on the sea. I think about him often and can only hope that he is well. I wish you all the best and continue to expect only great and adventurous things from your family even if i am cheering you on from the sidelines. It's been a pleasure knowing you all and i thank you for having me along for this journey however short and brief it was.  

Sincerely, 

Beckett Amelia Hughes. 

Return to Sender

No one tells you that being a person, whatever that means, is pretty hard. Pretty fucking hard and some days, despite your best efforts, you just don't feel like having to be a person for a second. NOT in the suicidal way of course. I guess i should preface that before i start ranting about not wanting to be a person these days.

As this is a space for me to talk about my personal going on's, i apologize in advance if the boy drama becomes tiresome to read about. I don't really have anyone to talk to, in my daily life, about how i am feeling these days. Not because there aren't people around; there definitely are. But being able to express how i am really holding up about stuff has always been easier and more honest in written form.

My automatic reply for how am i doing these past few days has been "fine" 'okay" "hanging in there' "-meh, things could be better but ya know'. My facade is placid. I am all shrugs and wry smiles. The exterior has to pass for okay so people don't start worrying. Depression makes people worry naturally. The thing is when the depression surrounds a boy, people are less sympathetic. You are expected to just move on, get over it, function like a normal person...because heartbreak is nothing new or unique. So on the outside i've been doing my best to pass as a functioning human being as to avoid the look of annoyance.

 On the inside however I AM A FUCKING HOT MESS. The hottest mess ever. Not going to lie it feels good writing that down as i fight back the tears that are forming at the base of my eyeball. How is it possible to cry this much. Where are the tears even stored in my small body. Seriously, where are they stored.

As of Monday Sean is on deployment for the next 9 months. This should be a relief. Having him home for two weeks was not great. And while he was waiting to be deployed for 11 days in Florida it was even harder. Now he will be out of my life in every way for 9 whole months and i hope in that time it will be become easier without him.

Before he left however he reached out to me during moments of loneliness and nostalgia. He didn't say any of the things i wanted him to say. He didn't go above or beyond the bare minimal. But because our relationship often feels like two people clinging to each other to prevent each other from falling, i clung to him as much as he held on to me out of fear of what crashing feels like rather than anything else.

But it is never and will never be enough for that boy. Just before he left he uploaded a picture on fb of him and his gf from his college graduation (which was four years ago). Despite the big graduation she was unable to attend just a few months ago the lasting image he wanted everyone to see was a celebratory image of them together. And most everyone who liked on commented thought the image was taken from his graduation from the Naval Academy. The one i attended. The one i showed up for.

To say I was pissed and/or crushed when i came across the picture would be an understatement. But i wasn't surprised. Not at all. I wished he had better tact. I wished the light-bulb in his pea sized brain would turn on. But i wasn't surprised. I an perceptive and knowledgeable of things I cannot see. And in some weird way i know this boy, i do not understand him, but i know him. And at this point i don't want anything from him except for him to know that he hurt me. I wish he could feel what i am going through.But i know he is incapable of doing so.

What is more annoying is that on Monday before he set sail he sent me the shipping address for the boat he will be on for the next 9 months. As if i am going to write him letters while he is at sea. This is not the fucking notebook (a movie for which i have not seen but i assume letter writing occurred based on how many gifs from this movie appear on my tumblr feed). I am not going to send letters to him as i did when he was in boot camp because that worked out really well for me.

 I am not going to give him anymore of my words where i profess how much i care about him and miss him and want him to be safe out there at sea. I will not pen anymore letters with stories of my happenings to help him pass the time while he is out there. I will not invest anymore words on a boy who has so dismissively stepped on them as if they weren't delicate. I will not.

But.

It doesn't mean i don't want to ( I won't based on the previous statements. He literally told me he had no time to see me while he was home. And i should have been the one person he had the most time for). It doesn't mean I don't, despite everything, want to write him letters that will sustain him. like a life source. Because the part of me that won't do any of those things is met with the other part of me that desires to. I know things. I can't explain them but i do. And despite everything i still on some absurd level want to offer comfort to a boy who has not shown me an ounce of kindness this past year. I'll never be able to explain why.

Of course I will fight the urge to send him anything. Also, per my moms suggestion, should anything come in the mail from Sean it will be returned to sender. No explanation needed. I have to cut things off now or continued to be dragged in the mug.

But it has been a fight to distance this boy from my thoughts. If my facade is placid and stoic I am handling this 'breakup' inwardly like a girl losing her goddamn mind:. I've sobbed in various corners in public. I have avoided contact with people who aren't my close personal friends. I have moments of Beyonce confidence followed only by Fiona Apple angst. I bought new shoes, do i have the money for them, no, do i feel better having them, yes. yes. I do. I've created 2 breakup playlists which i have played repeatedly and then cried to. I haven't worn pants in days (skirts are easier to drag myself into) and yet i have worn some bum ass hoodies to emphasize that clearly i cannot properly dress myself. I called my cat my best friend yesterday, followed by a hug he had to escape from due to the crying. I call my mom constantly to vent and fake sob. Pizza is my new best friend. along with sweat pants and netflix. I eat pizza, in sweat pants watching netflix. I constantly find myself lying in the fetal position praying that i can not be a person just for a little while longer. Because being a person is fucking hard. I'd rather be a lump in my bed under covers trying to come to terms with the mess he has made than a person who has to pretend she's okay.

Because i am a  HOT FUCKING MESS. As with most things i feel every emotion on a large scale. And this, well this is a whole new territory.

Survivor Girl

Despite warnings from damn near everyone....I wanted to see Sean during his time home for leave. It's something i had to do. It's something that after four years needed to be done.

I don't think i will ever be able to explain what attracted me to this boy. I was interested in him from the beginning, i'm not going to lie. But then Marie died and it was like i sought something in him that i wasn't getting from anyone else. I wanted to distance myself from the girl i was when Marie was alive. And being around Sean made me feel different.

I won't ever be able to explain it any other way. I hate to even use Marie as an excuse. Because i may have ended up here anyway. But after she died, I desired to be new. And being around Sean I was able to wear new versions of myself every day because he didn't give a shit.

But then the feels happened. And my grief subsided and i wanted more from Sean. more than surface level interactions. I wanted to be whole again with him. But he just wasn't available/receptive enough for any of that. What he wanted and what i needed never matched up on all sorts of levels.

The only thing i'll regret about my relationship with Sean is not ending it after the fiasco that was last summer. even if he was lying. even if he was scared. even if he didn't mean too hurt me the bottom line is that he did and so easily to save himself.

The way he acted and reacted never matched up with his words or promises to do better. He'd say i'm sorry as if they were points to earn in a game. And instead of seeing that as a way out I held on tightly because i thought he would change. I needed him too. I wanted on some primitive level to fit in.

It's hard to explain without getting uber teary. So instead i'll use an antidote/memory to stave my tears:

When i was in the fourth grade our class  raised baby chickens. We received eggs and incubated them and watched as they hatched into little baby chickies.  We were all so fucking excited with their growth and development. We made bets on which egg would hatch first and I remember the day we spent hours deciding on names.

By the time the chicks hatched a few of us signed up to take them home for the weekend to take care of. Of course some of the chicks died before any of us had the chance but the one i named lived the longest and the week leading up to his stay at my house i made a little fort in my room for him to live. I wanted to be the best surrogate parent for the chick. I wanted to make sure he was the most comfortable in my house. I read up on how to take care of him. I readied myself for the feeding time. I even gave my own pet cockatiel Birdy (cause i'm dope with names) the responsibility of being our temporary housemate new best friend.

I was prepared.

But a couple of days before I was to have my turn taking care of the chick he died at one of my classmates house. Like that my plans and desire and hopes to be the best caretaker ever were taken away and when i got home i had to take down the fort i built for him. I had to resign myself to the loss.

I often feel like this fourth grade version of myself. That things don't have a place for me.That my strong desires to have a 'home' always teeter on the brink of collapse. That nothing does nor will belong to me. That i don't know how to keep things. I can't make things stay. I can't make people stay. That whatever home i have built is not suitable for occupancy.

And i must admit when it was good, I felt like i had a companion in Sean. I liked fitting in with him. I liked that he felt like mine, temporarily of course.

But of course that was not the case. The last few months especially have proved that.  There is a quote that says something along the lines of 'indecision is a decision' and my inability to get a straight answer out of Sean, about anything,  should have sparked some insight into the course of our relationship.But love or affection or whatever is what i felt for him was a blinder.

At the beginning of May, after the surprise engagement, i decided i was out. It wasn't easy being in love with a boy who had a girlfriend, i definitely couldn't contend with him now being engaged. So contact was shut off. Simple as that.

 But then his dad called and asked if i'd talked to Sean because he hadn't heard from him and that he last heard was that Sean was coming home at the end of May. Which i sort of knew because it was the last thing he said to me after "hey i'm engaged because my girl has a tumor behind her eye'. So after speaking to his dad i messaged Sean to ask when he was coming home. This was exactly  two weeks ago. The motherfucker said 'i'll be home Wednesday'.

I suspect that he was never going to tell me he was even coming home had i not asked. He had no intention of seeing me or talking about things because 'indecision is a decision'.

And turns out is Sean is at least consistent in one thing...letting me down. Though at this point i only expect so little from him. I have only seen him twice since he's been home. He flies out tomorrow for a 9 month deployment. He hasn't even called to say goodbye. Our Sunday meet up was a hot mess, We argued for two hours in a car. He said he wasn't going to change for me of all people and that I am the problem. I think too much. I am annoying. I talk too much. Why should i feel entitled to him staying in contact. I need to grow up. Then he asked if I wanted to see him in his uniform.

Motherfucker is crazy.

Wednesday we agreed to hang out and it went by smoothly only because i was complacent. Sean likes getting a reaction out of me. So on Wednesday i was the most charming girl in the whole entire world. I was reaction-less. I put on my happy person face. I laughed at all his jokes. I didn't disagree with him. I was a puppy and he lapped it up. When we got to my house he said that i would have to be the one who put in the effort. That he was really busy the rest of the week but that he would try to squeeze in time for me ONLY if i initiated first. I smiled and told him i would. I would call him and I could see him before he left.

I then climbed the stairs to my house. Waved goodbye. And blocked all communication from him. I've put in more than my fair share. I shouldn't have to accept the bare essentials. I am not the one who needs to put in a fucking effort.

But before you cheer me on and tell me 'you go Beckett' i'm so proud of you' "Sean aint shit you deserve better'....you should know that i am hurt by Sean. By this situation. By my own desires.  I am crushed. I won't go as far as heartbroken but my heart has been chipped. I do not feel like a champion in this. I do not feel like the better person. Instead I feel wounded. I feel unwanted. not good enough. I'm not going to lie and say that i didn't hope and pray and cry that Sean would call me these last few days. I wanted to be important and the only reason it has been so hard to ignore him these last few days is because he's made no effort to contact me.

It feels like he has washed his hands of me. I didn't fit the mold, so i was expelled. This part of me will, for now, never feel like he was the one who missed out. For now, i will feel like the reject. Sean was my chickie. He was someone i was willing to build a fort for. I just wanted to take him home and care for him and be loved by him. And right now what I am feeling is the process of cleaning up what i had built for him. It is more solemn than celebratory. My heart went into battle for a war not worth fighting. I am sad. And i am embarrassed that i continue to feel this way even after every thing.

I wish i could love things that were softer. I do not know why i am drawn to sharp things.

Sean is coming home tomorrow. He'll be in town for six days. The bullshit is about to hit the fan. I do not have the strength to deal with this shit.

Changes.

I am quitting le sad store.

July 27th is the date.

Lord Give Me Strength Part Deux

Me: I don't think i've ever seen you happy. Not as happy as you've told people you are?

Sean: I believe you are correct

Me: Then what are you doing? 
Me: Why are you doing this?

Sean: not many people see that i am more likely neutral or insanely pissed off but hide it behind an act of laughter and jackassery


Sean: but you're wrong too?


Me: how am i wrong about this [his engagement/unhappiness]?


Sean: u have seen me genuinely happy, because u've made me genuinely happy


Me: I don't know what i'm supposed to do Sean. You've put me in a weird position.


Sean: i think i should come home and talk to u face to face if u want


Me: And what will you say


Sean: I will say words, like always.

[End Chat Session]

'Lord Give Me Strength'

Me: so when were you going to tell me about the engagement

Sean: [my gf's] health is not the best

Sean: I figured I might be able to do something about that  thru navy benefits

Sean: she has a tumor behind her eye

Me: ????????

Me: So you're marrying her so she gets your navy benefits?

Sean: no

Sean: i'm not married

Sean: and no time soon

Sean: it looks like 

Me: But if you aren't married how is she going to get your benefits?

Me: I'm confused

Sean: It's confusing, so you are not wrong

Sean: my family is giving me the business about how i should be getting married 

Sean: but they are scaring her away

Me: so they want you to get married. but they are scaring her away. she needs your benefits but you aren't getting married soon for her to use them. sorry.not sorry but this is confusing. 

Sean: accept it. 

Sooner Than I Thought

Sean got engaged to his gf last night.

I am never wrong about these things

Once More With Feeling

Boy oh boy, this being a person with feelings thing is difficult. Just difficult. I wish there was an off switch for them. A temporary one of course, but a switch nonetheless.

I have always been an over thinker. Always. More often a fault than an asset, i analyze the shit out of everything because to me everything has a meaning. Absolutely everything. I like to interpret things as well. And because everything has meaning, everything is open for interpretation. Absolutely everything.

This ability/ desire / need to understand things has made me a perceptive person. I have an internal radar for nuances. I make predictions based on subtitles because once again everything has meaning and anything can be interpreted. And these perceptions, however far fetched at the time, have proven right more so than wrong.

I can tell when someone is upset based on the smallest details in their face. I know when someone is lying just from the infliction of their voice. I know things, i just know them. Like when it's going to rain even before the dark clouds show up. I know when bad news is coming just from a 'feeling' that resides in the back of my throat; where i hold back my tears.  I know things even when i can't see them. Whether from prediction or interpretation, i know things. My instincts are like a flashlight in a dark room. I know what things are even when they are obscured by shadows.

In my relationship however this has not always been such a good thing. I'll get a bad vibe or feeling about a person or a certain situation and i'll remain un-wavered by my initial thoughts. It can be pretty frustrating on several levels because a) i trust my gut so much that even without facts to back it up I don't ever think i'm wrong. And b) if i am proven wrong it can be devastating. I feel devastated. I am ashamed. I am humbled. But mainly i am devastated.

On one end if my first impression of you is sketchy i have no desire to establish a relationship initially. This happens a lot at Le Sad Store where every week we lose and get new people. Because of this I am not friendly to the new people, definitely not rude, but if i get a 'wrong vibe' from the start i can be a little dismissive and aloof. Case in point: there is this one new girl who i  haven't even attempted to get to know because during her orientation she walked around with a straw in her mouth and played with it constantly. I thought i was witnessing a sex act on a poor innocent straw. I don't know why this annoyed me but it did and I haven't given this poor girl or her straw sucking abilities a shot since.

But this is the rare instance where my gut is just being a judgmental dick. I'm human after all. I am not always sugar and spice and everything nice. I am never mean. or malicious but i am definitely not above giving a mean side eye every once and awhile. When i am wrong about a person in this regards i feel ashamed and guilty because I didn't give a good person a chance based on a bad day. Kat and I hated each other when we first met because she thought i was a snob and i thought she was mean. Clearly i was wrong. Sometimes i am wrong. Sometimes being wrong is great.

Where the devastation part comes into play is when i am wrong about someone i have let past the initial screening. When i have done that stupid thing where i put someone on a pedestal based on my gut. And because i believe my gut is never wrong i find it hard to take them down from it even when the evidence begins to pile up. Even when i can see the lies in the nuances. Even when i have discovered things in the dark. I find it devastating and hard to accept that i was wrong about a person that i gave a shot too. In this instance being wrong is terrible.

This is what I've been feeling lately. If my mood could be surmised in a word it would be disenchanted. And for such a pretty sounding word, the feeling is unbearable. I am experiencing more good days than bad if i can be honest. Last weekend Kat and I went to the city and saw a play and walked around central park and took pictures and ate cupcakes. It was amazing, the weather was delightful. I wore a polka dot dress and everything was right with the world. When i have plans and am surrounded by people i am okay. I don't over think too much. I don't over-analyze. I exist in the now:  in the sunshine and the warmth.

It is when i am alone that it's hard. I go over every single detail trying to figure out where everything went wrong. This weekend I had off from Le Sad Store and i proclaimed it No Pants Weekend because i had no plans and wanted to spend it at home. So i got some good reads from the library, planned some DIY projects and vowed not to wear any pants until Monday. And it went well for the most part. There was a lot of dancing and video game playing and cat naps. I tend to reread novels for comfort so i easily read through one of my favorite books. And I didn't put on pants for two days. It was glorious.

But every once in a while, during the mid-activities silence I'd stop and reflect on the last year of my life with The Boy and i'd get angry for being wrong about him. I'd get pissed at myself for everything that happened. And not in the jaded, men are terrible way. I love men. I think they are great and some are really nice to look at and talk too. But because when i should have called it quits I didn't. When i should have listened to my gut i ignored it for THIS boy. What the fuck.What the hellery fuck.

And even now i still continue to question my gut despite everything. Since the big deletion we have been in 'some' contact. I ain't gonna lie. He called the job looking for me because after 14 days he noticed we hadn't talked and that i deleted him from facebook and blocked him from calling my phone. 2 whole weeks. He was taken aback by my decision to block him but then we sort of carried on as if nothing happened. Literally. He asked me how i was doing, I told him i was doing okay, he took my somewhat cheerful tone to mean I wasn't pissed at him, he then told me he'd be home in May for a little while and then sent me a friend request on facebook and asked if we could Skype later.

????

 In our short exchanges since we haven't once talked about why i blocked him. Honestly he doesn't deserve an explanation or an entry back into my life. But not addressing it bugs the hell out of me because it sort of devalues my reasoning behind it. But i am at fault too. I could have shut him down when he made contact. But the boy gives so little that i often mistake his small gestures for grand ones though by normal standards they would still fall under the curve. I kept some of my restriction but i didn't turn away his attempt to stay in contact because it isn't easy admitting that you were wrong about someone.

Because of this I've been doubting myself the last couple of days. Not my gut self but the self that wanted to be with this boy. I start to wonder if what i am asking from him is too much. I don't know how this works. I've never had a relationship like this before. I've never felt like as i do know. Am i being too needy? Are my expectations too unreasonable? Am I pushing him away? Am I the one fucking up? Is my constant 'what the fuck are we doing' conversations annoying? Are my instincts wrong?

These are the ramblings that have been going on in my head the last couple of days. I can't stop them. I have placed the blame on myself (again) instead of accepting that i was wrong. I was wrong about Sean. He is not the boy i want in my life. He is never going to be. Whatever I was clinging too was wrong. Whatever I thought he had to offer was wrong. I let him in and he stepped all over me, i should have listened to my gut. I am so devastated that i didn't and that i wasted so much time missing out on anyone else.

I don't know much about relationships but i do know whatever i had with Sean was fucked up. I felt so lonely and replaceable with him. I shouldn't have to ask someone to devote time to being with me. I once had a dream that Sean and I were hanging out and afterwards he charged me for it. I had to pay  him because dream Sean wouldn't see me any other way. And honestly it's how i felt in my waking life with him. His time was always too valuable and I should be grateful of the little time he offered to spare me.

The 6 months leading up to him joining the Navy was complete nonsense. Almost non-stop arguing and backpedaling. I'd either wanted him in my life or I wanted him out of it. I'd get visibly upset over both small and huge offenses. And my outbursts made me think that I was in the wrong. I was the one who couldn't let shit go and just move on. But my anger had more to do with the fact that I never got what i wanted from Sean and for myself.I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted to be his priority. And because i wasn't, i felt like disenchanted when i was with him. It was like putting a starving person in front of a plate of food and then yanking it away before they could touch any of it.

The whole situation was/ is manipulative and unfair. A little cruel and hurtful. And while he's been away it's only intensified because i have gone above and beyond for someone who just considers me a friend. I wrote him letters, i talked to his parents, i went to his graduation, I extended the trip so i could spend my birthday with him. I was dutiful. I am dutiful. And were i his gf, i wouldn't have an issue with any of this. Not at all. I love supporting the people i love. It gives me a sense of purpose.

But then he graduated and everything i thought would happen did. I had done all the work and it didn't pay off. He didn't break up with his girlfriend. He didn't make anything official with me. The opposite happened. We established less contact then when he had a pen and a few pieces of paper to write me. And i'd call him out on it all the time. I eluded to how i felt; that i was doing so much more than i needed too for a boy who refused to give me what i need back

And what i wanted from Sean, want i needed from him, was a future. I can deal with the distance and the spotty communication. I can deal with the changes and differences. I didn't mind extended my best self because i wanted a future with him.

Lately my gut feelings have been working overtime. I know when Sean comes back into town i will be the least of his concerns. Despite going to his graduation and establishing a pretty good relationship with his parents and sending him snail mail while he was in boot camp... he is not coming home to me. He is never coming home to me. And worse yet i have this feeling that he is going to ask his 'gf' to marry him because all a Sailor needs in a girl on his arm for all the world to see. Even if that girl is a lost cause.

 I know things. I just know them. Even when i can't see it, i know things. And what i know to be true is breaking my heart more than the actual boy. Because even during our limited correspondence the last couple of days he expects things from me that I have no interest providing for a boy i have no future with. Le sigh. I really wish there was an off button. It would make everything so much easier.

I am not going to lie. I am very sad. Not the saddest I have ever been but sad nonetheless.

As always writing about my sadness is much easier than expressing it. The last few days have been both liberating and isolating in a lot of ways. The liberating part is that i have taken a stand for myself, finally, after months of shitty treatment. I have put myself first. The worry and anxiety about how Sean treats me has been buried under soft pillows. I am not waiting around for him to write or call me. I have not gone to bed anxious that i'll miss a opportunity to talk to him. I feel a little more sane. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I know this to be true.  

But i'd be a liar if I said i haven't questioned my decision to block any and all access between us. I'm the kind of person who likes the 'final word' and I wish the end would have been a little more dramatic than me up and disappearing from his life especially since he doesn't seem to notice I've gone missing. Our last conversation ended with him saying I needed to make him a list (for him) on how to treat me because he needs to be constantly told what to do. Seriously. 

If he isn't told what to do or how to do it he fucks up. He can't think independently which makes a lot of sense when i look back on 95% of our interaction. He never took the initiative on anything (and when he did...it was always done so clumsily: "here is my penis. SURPRISE')  and he was easily swayed by the wind. 

He never trusted his gut or his heart. He had to be directed by strings and if he tried to walk on his own he couldn't. It was damn near impossible for him.   

So even though the idea of telling someone how to treat me mortified the shit out of me I wanted to try it out, you know, because I wanted things to work out. I still stupidly want things to work out in some weird way. Its hard to explain. But i don't think rules like that should be spelled out in a relationship. I don't think i should have to tell someone when they can talk to me, keep in contact, care about my well-being, not be a douche. 

I don't want to make work out of something as simple as affection. To me it takes the fun and spontaneity and joy out of being with someone when everything is predicted and predetermined. But i still tried to come up with rules even though they weren't coming to me easily.

And then i remembered something he said earlier in the week, something that bothered me but that i didn't address at the time. He told me that he was only capable of giving me 2% of his best self. 2%. And for the next couple of days i couldn't get the number out of my head. Did it mean that he was only able to give me 2% of himself ever? Did it mean that I was only worth 2%? 

Whatever the case, I complied a list of 98 things that I have never done to Sean (most of which he has done to me): I have never sent him on an errand for someone else, I have never told him he was unattractive, I have never crossed sexual boundaries, I have never stolen from him, I have never put him last, I have never had him fight for my attention, I have never used him, I have never been unreachable, I have never given only 2% of my best self. 

I was going to send him the list so he could go over it, feel impacted by the countless shitty things he has done and then promise me that he would work on giving me more. I wrote the list for him because if 2% is the best he could offer me, whatever was on that list, represented the rest of him. It was visualization of what he had to offer; which was less than the bare essentials for anyone you claim to care for .

 But before i emailed it to him I realized it wouldn't change anything between us. It was just another way for me to point out flaws in a boy full of them. It was a way for me to feel a little entitled because I've been incredibly awesome and giving (maybe a little too much) in this relationship. It was some attempt to hang on to whatever future i wanted with him. 

So i didn't send it. Instead I put an end to us because hanging on is worse than letting go if you know you can survive the fall. And while it has felt somewhat empowering the last few days, there times when it hasn't felt that way at all.  There have been blank moments in my Sean-less life where I wish he would have 'seen' me like i 'saw' him. I am silently hoping that he notices my absence and misses me but not like you miss your pet when you've gone out of town for a few days. 

I want him to miss me like you miss a good nights sleep. 

I did it.

As planned i talked to Sean last week about wanting to 'end things' with him. He tried to convince me that i was being irrational and that i shouldn't stop being his friend due to distance (because in his mind distance is the reason i wanted to end things)

After talking for a few hours he pretended everything was okay again and told me he was sorry for not putting in more of an effort since boot camp.

So of course like an idiot, i forgave him because he said he would make things right.

8 days later and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. He hasn't made any attempts to be present in my life. And i'm done waiting around for a boy who the Navy can't even mature.

So i deleted him from facebook. I blocked his number from my phone. I took every Sean related item from my room, put it in a box and shoved it under my bed...which if you know me is the place of no return.

I am done. I did all i could do. I give him my best self and it wasn't good enough.

So it's time to move on


.

I think i'm going to end things with Sean tonight.

If this is what heartbreak feels like i'm totally over it.

Molly, You in Danger Girl Part 2

On Saturday morning i'd convinced myself that i would be on a plane back to New York whether Sean wanted me to stay or not.

After spending so much money on the plane ticket and the hotel room and having to take off from both jobs, I imagined my trip up to Chicago would give Sean all the fire he needed to...i don't know, be with me. It's so stupid, i know. Growing up my favorite show was Felicity on the WB and I couldn't understand why she would go all the way to New York for a boy who barely knew her in high school. But she was in love with him and she thought moving closer would give their relationship a chance or at least a start at something.

And in my 28th year I finally realize I have become Felicity

I can't lie and say that outside of my wanting to have sex with Sean, the real reason i went to see him was because i wanted him to finally reciprocate the feelings and the devotion and the love that i have continued to display towards him. I was hoping that this trip would inspire him to choose me. Because i have chosen him time and time again. And i know it was an idealistic and stupid expectation. But with my birthday corresponding with the trip and Sean's sincere desire to see me i was hoping all the pieces of our fucked up puzzle would align.

I didn't calculate having to deal with his parents. I didn't calculate his gf's jealousy. I sure as hell wasn't prepared for blind grandma and dead pigeon. By the end of Friday night Sean and I got into a mini argument because the facebook photo i posted  came up again in conversation. He'd just gotten off the phone with his gf and he turned to me and said "so i hear  you have been 'plastering' my photo all over the web'. I don't know why this enraged me so much, mainly because i knew it was her who said it. Plaster indicates that I posted a fucking gallery of him, i literally posted 2 photos so his friends and family back home could be as proud as i was and if his lazy ass gf had gone to Chicago she could have had photos of her own to share.

I was more annoyed by the fact that i continue to be the one who shows up and yet is always questioned. It's fucking ridiculous.

Sean immediately knows that i am upset and on the drive back to the base when he begs me to stay i am so pissed and ready to go home that i tell him i won't make any promises. In my room later that night i call my mom and she says  that i have to come back on Saturday. Have to. I got to see him, i got to spend time with him, he didn't do with he needed to do to make me stay, so it's time for me to come home.

And of course, i shared the same sentiment. Here i was in Chicago, to see a boy that i truly care about and i felt, like i always do with him, like the second runner up. I know that if his gf would have made it up I would not have been invited. All i've ever wanted was for Sean to see me for who i am and who i can be in his life and it's like he is wearing a blindfold and shades. And it's not to say that he wasn't great on Friday. He was attentive and present and there but it felt like he wasn't mine. I was sharing him with his parents and his gf and he was so accommodating to them because their role is so prominent yet mess I just wanted him to finally take a stand or exclaim that he needed time just for me because i'm the one he's unofficially been seeing this last year. And i couldn't get that.

And I was so eager to have him all to myself so we could talk and maybe figure out what everything between us is about. And i knew if i stayed Saturday none of that would happen.

So in the morning, I pack all my shit and when his parents ask if i'm going to stay an extra day, I tell them i can't. When we get to the base to pick Sean up, he is anxious to begin the day because it's my birthday and he doesn't yet know i am not going to spend it with him. My plane was scheduled to leave at 12:30 but by the time we pick him up it's 10:30. The first thing he asks is if i am going to stay and I tell him no. He makes a face and then says he will do whatever he has to if i'll stay the extra day. He wants us to go to Chicago and see the sights and he has a present for me. As he is saying all these things all i can think about is how much i'll regret not staying. I don't know when or if i'll ever see him again and to be honest i didn't want to go. I really didn't.

So at the last minute i tell him i'll leave on Sunday, i'll stay for him, but he has to promise that my birthday will be spectacular.

Now, i believe, if his parents had any clue about the nature of my relationship with their son they would have backed off a little in the parental department. I mean had they known that we wanted some alone time, without it looking uber suspicious, i'm convinced my birthday would not have felt like a field trip monitored by adults. But because they assumed i was Sean's really good friend from work so Saturday turned out to be a disaster because we spent most of the day accommodating Sean's mom and dad who are...unique to say the least.

For the past two years i've known that Sean's dad has bipolar disorder. I don't know much about the disorder except that it involves mood swings and depression and episodes of extreme highs and lows. Because I am a very moody person Bipolar disorder has always been a very sensitive subject.  I do know that when i found out his dad was diagnosed with Bipolar it was something i knew Sean was predisposed to. I never wanted to self diagnose him because it's easy to equate someone's short-comings to mental illness. But i can't lie and say that i haven't recognized some of the features of the disorder in him. He even told me once, out of confidence, that he is pretty sure he has it but doesn't want to take medication until he can't function normally.

I probably spent more time with his parents this weekend than with Sean and getting to know them made me understand him so much more. His dad can at times be this jovial, brilliant, charismatic man an in another instant throw a tantrum like a child. Despite what Sean has said about his relationship with his father, his dad was so fucking proud to see Sean graduate.When Sean's dad was good, he was fun to be around. He joked a lot and was considerate. He talked passionately about movies and computers and was focused. Socially, he talked to any and everyone who would listen and had an authority about him that was approachable.

However, in the same breath  he could be sullen and crabby, aloof and downright angry. Both his parents were oblivious to the concept of time but his dad especially regarded it with such indifference that lateness was the norm. He'd get distracted  and that distraction would obsess him and we all would wait patiently until he worked himself out of it.

The worst was his irritability. He'd become irritable about the littlest thing and we'd have to deal with the fallout of it for however long it took him to calm down. The fallout was usually anger directed towards a)inanimate objects b) Sean's mom and/or c) Sean. It was sort of tough to witness because Sean and his mom at times seemed immune to it or worse paralyzed by his dads moodiness. I on the other hand observed with curiosity. It's not to say that his dad moods were the only thing that complicated Saturday being spectacular because it wasn't. His mom is passive and absent-minded and a huge hoarder! Huge. Though they only stayed for four days they packed so much shit their hotel was almost impossible to move around in. And while we were in town she wanted to buy things in bulk because she 'never knew when she was going to need it'. We couldn't go into a store without her buying any and everything.

There were just too many factors against me.

After i agreed to stay we drove back to the hotel so Sean could buy me a plane ticket and extend my hotel reservation. One of the few alone times we had was in the hotel lobby to use their computers and we both agreed that the trip would be a million times better without his parents around. Of course this sentence was short lived because his father came down soon after to ask us what we wanted to do now that I was going to stay the whole day. I had no clue, i'd never been to Chicago before and I really just wanted to spend my birthday alone with Sean. The front desk clerk recommended the Chicago aquamarine and because i am totally into sea life i was ecstatic about the idea.

Now we made plans to go to the aquamarine around noon. Instead of leaving soon after to get t there  we spent 3 more hours at the hotel while his mom watched tv and his dad google deals for the city. Sean and I seemed to be the only two aware of the time restraints and kept stressing that we had to go because it was my last day in town and Sean had to be back at base before 10pm. We left the hotel around 3:30 but because of traffic it took us two hours to get to downtown Chicago. At 4:30 we were realized that by the time we found parking and paid for admission we'd only have about 45 minutes inside so we bailed on the aquamarine that was literally a block away.

Sean could tell that i was getting upset and just as we decided to turn around we noticed this big ass Ferris Wheel in the distance (fyi, i'm obsessed with Ferris Wheels). Sean redirected his parents waning attention and we headed to what is called the Navy Pier for my birthday dinner. This would have been a romantic and splendid experience had it just been the boy and I. The sun was setting. The crowd was lively and nice. He was dressed in his best Navy suit and I looked nice in a navy blue lace top and skinny jeans. But his parents were starting to wear thin. His mom was cold and kept getting distracted by stores and his dad started complaining about everything. Parking, the noise, the crowd, the weather and how much he hated Chicago.

We decided to eat at a Italian restaurant and for a brief moment when his parents went to use the restroom it was just Sean and I. And it felt nice. I literally told him that as we were settling into our seats and looking outside the window. I told him that I missed 'this'. The one on one and just time with him. He apologized again for his parents and dinner was spent dealing with another one of his dad's meltdown this time because Sean's mom couldn't decide what she wanted to eat and his dad dropped a fork.

We managed to find the Ferris Wheel and I could have stayed their forever but Sean had a curfew and I had an early flight. The night ended solemnly. We just didn't have enough time to do anything, not even talk. We watched a movie on my laptop, cuddled on the couch while mom slept and his dad was downstairs in the lobby. We talked about me coming back to see him, this time alone so that we could have time to ourselves and just like that he had to go. And we said goodbye in the stairwell of the hotel room. And i boarded a plane back to New York early Sunday morning.

The trip wasn't anything like i expected. Not even because there wasn't any sex. I really just wanted to discuss us and what we're doing and how long we are going to continue as is. I didn't want definite answers but i desperately wanted and on some part thought i deserved something. And while Sean is definitely more mature, i could see that he still doesn't know what he wants.

The one thing he said he liked about boot camp is that he didn't have to think. There was always someone somewhere telling him what to do and how to behave. He liked not having ownership of his thoughts and it's a little frustrating for me because what i need from him is ownership of what he wants to do next.

And the navy couldn't make him conquer his fear of following his heart. The Navy couldn't make him see me. And even now, since I've been home, i have no clue where we stand. He calls every night to check in, I have spoken to his parents regularly  because i think they've adopted me and Sean and I are even planning another visit up to see him soon. But I still do not know what this boy wants from me or if he will ever want me as much as i want and love him. 

My job at the university is pretty awesome. I usually have little to no work to accomplish during the four hours i am in the office. Of course on the one day when i want to update the rest of my weekend shenanigans I am backed up with shit to print for professors. Like i haven't had a free moment to myself in hours. Argh.

If i make it out alive today i'll finish up the post from yesterday and  relay everything that has happened since i left Chicago.