What an Off Day

i woke up and just knew that today was going to be an off day. I don't know how to really explain off days, they are just days when you think you may have forgotten something, or you learn that santa clause isn't real, or that the universe is just off it's axis today.

I been thinking of my home in Westchester, NY for the past couple of hours. It's horrible for me to revert back to my childhood, but i just keep wondering what would have happened if we would have stayed. Would i be who i am now, would i be happier, where would i be going to school, would i have more than just one friend in my cell phone? I mean these are my off day preoccupation, it seems to just consume me, and i wallow in my self petty for the difference 6 years in the hell hole has produced.

I want to go back to Westchester/NYC so bad, and i fell like it is so out of reach. I mean if we wouldn't have moved, i would have been able to attend my grandma's funeral, maybe she wouldn't have died. Maybe i would have some ouce of ease with who i am, instead of the constant nagging feeling like i am going to be a universal outcast loser, virgin, pariah for the rest of my life, with no human connections.

But tomorrow, i will feel all different. The world will be one of optimistism instead of dred, NYC will seem attainable instead of out of reach, and my self pity will die down. But fuck it some days you just need to feel like shit, and fucking complain.