Better Version of Me

Damn you Fiona, you've done it again. Genius.

So i'm still feeling a little crappy. The splitting headache i have had all day, hasn't put me in a jolly mood. And it must look a little strange as i hold me head in complete agony, as the professor stares at me, thinking that i am taking a nap. I wish.

Yesterday was a bed day. Nothing better, than having the remote in one hand, pillows piled up so i feel like the Queen of the castle, and blankets swallowing me whole. I faded into sleep and waking state pretty much the whole day. But by 11pm, i was unusally restless, and had no idea what to do with my time. I did some chemistry and somehow this headaches have turned me into a math genuis. Because i was whizzing through the problems. At about 12, after doing a rendition of Riverdance, to the dismay of my neighbors below me, i jumped back into bed. Of course now with a slightly bigger headache, but at least more sleepy. So my college, and maybe others, gives us free pay per view. We don't have any movie channels, so there is one channel devoted to playing pay per view movies, and some other old favorites without censoring. I liked the movie the Ring,and though i was less excited about seeing the sequel when it came out in theaters, i was excited when it was on last night. So turning off the lights, for dramatic effect, i watched...in utter horror. It was the worst movie of my life, and i want those 2 hours back that were stolen from me in watching this less then superd sequel. The boy annoyed, the crazy little girl annoyed me, Naomi annoyed me, and that fact that Martin Henderson wasn't in it annoyed me even more(i know he died in the 1st...damn did i spoil it...oh you've seen it by now...but he was so beautiful they should have brought him back anyway, post girl coming out of tv, not deformed Martin). So after that, i turned the lights and stared up at the ceiling.

I have had insomnia before. I ususally just stare up at the ceiling, with a million thoughts running through my head. So was the case last night

Random Beckett thoughts

"Is that a star on the ceiling, must have been left from last year. It's not glowing though, why won't it glow. Tomorrow i have chemistry, don't fall asleep, he'll probably call you out and embarass you...he wouldn't do that he's nice. Though he does have man boobs, not there's anything wrong with that, can guys wear bra's. I wouldn't see a problem with it...wait yeah i would, if cute art boy wore a bra, i might think he liked wearing girly underwear, not that there's anything wrong with boys who wear bra's, whatever makes them happy. Gender is so weird, like why do all the girls who play softball here look like dudes with a pony tail...okay so i haven't seen all the girls who play softball but most of the one's i've seen look like dude's with ponytails, dudes with ponytails aren't horrible...just depends on the placement of the ponytail. Low ponytails are cute, i wore ponytails once. Not anymore, my hair isn't that short for ponytails, maybe i will wear one tomorrow. Damn tomorrow is Friday, Mike, lab, Chem, Spanish, I studied for Spanish right. Why was Sissy Spacek in that stupid movie, she was a good actress...did she play in Sybil....no that wasn't Sissy...Damnit who was in Sybil...that was such a good movie, Sally something...[look over to the computer]...i can just look it up on the computer...[start to get up. HEADACHE] damn veto that. Sally...jones, smith, davis, f----FIELDS. Sally Fields, she was a good actress, just like Sissy Spacek, i wonder what happened to her...OH yeah she was in that horrible.... "

Then i fall asleep...finally. Other than last night, i usually get insomnia when i am completley upset/nervous. Insomnia is a bitch. My eyes are droopy though they won't close, my body is heavy though i can't sleep. i unfortunately usaully think about the past.

So on Wednesday, in the wonderful world of facebook, i got in touch with a friend i knew in Kindergarten. Yes...all the way back to the age of cubbies, and staring at the kid you ate glue. Her name was Heather, and she was sweet and nice, with curly red hair that bounced as she walked. And freckles that were on her nose. My mom remembers my first day of school because unlike the other kids, who held on to their moms, i wanted her to leave. In her words

First day of Kindergarten
Mom: Beckett do you want me to stay for a little while until you get comfortable
Me: I'm okay mom, you can go, i'll see you when i get home.

She said she was a little sad, but proud that at a young age i was so independent.

I walked up to this nice girl who was playing at the building block station, and asked her

"do you want to be my friend"

"Sure...my name is Heather"

And we were friends until i moved to New Rochelle when i was ten.

She was my first school friend. And her family was like my family, i spent most weekends there, and we were like sisters. Closey attached and alike. So needless to say when i was typing in random names in the search box, and i say her picture and recognized her name i was more than a little happy. We wrote each other some messages and exchangd IM. on her IM she put the link to her journal...which needless to say, were her syaing how much she hated herself. I mean entry after entry were "I hate myself" "Why do you hate me". I felt all of her pain, and it made me sad. I always envisoined that my old friends, would all be happy emerging adults(unlike myself) but maybe i was wrong, maybe i just keep forgetting that they are humans, and this image of them that i had was competely wrong.

That maybe i'm not the only, completely unsure of who they are. That i'm not only, though it feels like it.

Okay...well back to sleep. Movie thing tomorrow, and i wrote the director saying that i could only stay till three. My head hurts, and unless he wants someone sleeping on those nice comfy couches, that it's best if i do what i have to do, and hit the bed.