I have no clue

When i was younger, i ice skated. I wasn't really good at it, but something about being on the ice was refreshing.

Our school use to have trips to the ice skating rink in Larchmont. It was a town away from where i lived, but the anticipation of the ride, made my heart beat faster than anything. My mom bought ice skates, and needless to say i was the only 4th grader who brought there own skates to the rink.

In the 4th grade there are always these Student Teachers. They are about 20-25, and don't really do much. You can ask them general questions about homework, the help with lunch time, and recess, but other than that, they were kind of these off limits creatures we stared at from a distance. Our Student Teacher was a girl named Stephanie, who had a lisp but was nice. There were some other Ta's who were nice, but really weren't memorable, except for one. His name was...i don't know it was the fourth grade....so i'll just call him Mitchell. He was the Ta for another 4th grade class but that didn't stop the rest of us from pawning over him.

He was tall, had brown/blond hair, and was built like a football player. He reminded of the terminator. It seems so weird now, how boy crazed 4th graders were. To say the girls weren't throwing themselves at him, would be an understatement. My friend Tara and I, tried to brush him off as just some Ta, though we were secretly interested as much as the next person. I guess because technically he was like the first man, we had ever been around. I mean, teachers are one things, family members are another, but when you have a "man" around crazed girls it's a little exciting.

I was always the runt. The smallest out of the pack, the sometimes quiet one, but at the age i did have spunk, and wasn't afraid or intimidated. So while the rest of the girls tittered around simple flirting, pretending like they hurt themselves on the playground so he would rush to their aid. I completely ignored him. I try to rationalize him, and put in prospective that he was like 20 and we were like 10.

So on this particular day, the 4th graders and all the Ta's and Teachers went to the trip to the ice skating rink. New Rochelle and Larchment are basically a 30 minute bus ride, so we got there pretty quickly. Stepping on the ice, i was face with the prospect that skating on ground and skating on ice are two different things, and though i managed to not completely hurt myself while skating, it was still challenging. I had though. Halfway through the trip Allison(the popular girl in our grade and surprisingly a friend) came up to me and told me that the Hot Ta, was helping all the girls who got "hurt" during the skating. So as soon as word got around, it was like a wave, and about 15 girls skate by him and fall. Quite funy from my perspective

As i was skating i hadn't notice that my laces had come undone. Alison had skated around again, while me and Tara were up against the wall talking.

Al: Your laces are undone
Me: So i'll just tie them later
Al: I say you should fall, and have Hot Ta help you
Tara: Yeah, you could do that.
Me: No, i'm okay really, i'll just tie them later
Al: Look i'll go get him and then...

So she skates off, and tells him about my laces problem. So like watching the Terminator on skates, he glided over to where i was standing, and where a bunch of girls had crowded.

Terminator: Your laces are untied
Me: Yeah, i can do it later though
Terminator: You could break your ankle, if they aren't tied tight. Come on i'll tie them right.

So I, along with the other girls, thought he was just going to walk me over. Nope, to the amazement and envy of every pre-adolescent girl, he carried me like a big baby. I mean scoped me up like i was a doll baby. You should have seen the faces, it happened so fast, that i didn't know what had taken place. I was carried in a way so while he was skating to the box, i looked back on my friends who were a gasp, and a bunch of other girls who crowded around asking what had happened.

While he was tying my skates, and making small conversation, i kept staring at my friends, who were glaring by now. He didn't say much, just kept asking me if my ankle was okay, and if the skates were tight enough. After a mumbled yes, i was allowed to leave and skate on the ice. Returning to girls who were asking me a million questions about what had happen, and why he picked me up. But behind his terminator demeanor and magnetic power of attracting 12 year old years, i saw that in the end he was just some dude. Probably with his own faults, and goodness, but in the end just some dude tying a girls skates. Though when word got around it ended with

"Beckett fainted on the ice, and the hot Ta came to her rescue, holding her until she awoke".Complete bull. But in someway they had idolized him, put him on a pedestal, when in general he was just helping a little girl out.

I see how common it is for students to be attracted to their teachers. Maybe it's this thrill of him/her taking interest in a student. He/she could just be attractive, whatever the case is people are attracted to the things that are suppose to be off limit.

About 2 weeks ago we got a sub teacher for our chemistry class, for about 2 days. I'm sure i must have written about it somewhere, and our TA was basically throwing herself at him, just as the girls on ice were. I mean she wore her black little skirt, and revealing shirt and was glowing like no tomorrow. At this age, though there is still the "no no" of dating a professor, it's actually possible, espically if you are a TA. Rumor(damn rumors) have it that he has dated Ta's before, maybe she knew that.

So This monday he took over the class again, but the glowing, giddiness of her demeanor was replaced. It was a look like "he isn't all that he's cracked up to be". Maybe they slept together, maybe he totally rejected her, maybe her image of him was replaced by the reality, needless to say there was a familarity between them when the glanced at each other, but something else lingered. Something like learning Santa Claus doesn't exist. Like the Easter Bunny is just some stupid dude in a suit.

Registration is days away. Where we sit with an advisor who doesn't give a crap about our future, but who tells us what classes we should take. I'm kind of bugged out. As stated before i have kind of realized that i'm going to be an adult. I mean a real adult, and it freaks the hell out of me. Like before i know it, i will moving and going to school far away, and have to start a life for myself, without the watchful eyes of mom, or the Ra's or whoever other adult figure there is.

I Beckett Amelia, who still sleeps with a stuff animal, gets a little scared when it's thunders, who has to be reminded to wear a coat out when it is cold, who somehow cannot make a decent cup of noodles without the weird funny taste, am going to be an adult. I don't even know how to cook, i can't live off of peanut butter and jelly for the rest of my life, or keep buying subway sandwiches. Or eating life cereal as my lunch.

I who does not have her license, has a crush on a boy who i have not garnered the nerve to talk to yet, and who still gets excited about Halloween, will have to make a life for myself. I have no idea where i want to live, or go to school. I have to get an apartment, and maybe a dog or a cat. I have to pay bills. It seemed like yesterday i was skating on the ice, that i thought things would last forever, and that adulthood would be fun.

Not the case, i have in my hands this infinite possiblity. Each one bugging me out. I don't want to make the same mistake. Of choosing a place that i will end up dreading. Of not being happy, of giving up and returning to this place. What will i do? Where will i go? How will it work out? Pittsburgh? Boston? Philadelphia? NYC? Trenton? Volvo? Jeep? Toyota?

These are the times, when i wish it was the day on the ice. That someone would come up to me, hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay, now go back out there are skate. Cause i can't live life with laces untied, it's dangerous and you can get hurt.