No one said the course load would be this rough!
First day of class, and I am wiped out. From boring psych to confusing math; to more English/realism lit to the evilness of chem, I feel like I was just hit by a bus, landed in a ditch and am trying to crawl my way out.
Oh I knew it was going to be bad. Chem, Math, and a Bio in one semester. But I wasn't expecting 5 huge English novels, a math teacher who speeds through lectures, and a chem professor who isn't the one I signed up for.
Bonkers.
By the end of the day I was on the phone with my mother saying I was throwing in the towel. Of course I wasn't being literal I simply just wanted the little push of support to soothe the looming academic crisis that always arises when I feel like my brain cannot possible comprehend all that in one semester.
The truth is is that I know I am a smart cookie. I've gotten this far on potential alone, so there must be something in me that makes it possible to succeed. But I often have that fear that maybe my want to succeed cannot match up to my ability to. Maybe some people are meant to be good at one thing, and others...well always kind of struggle.
Oh I how I wished I got math and bio as easily as I got other things, or that I was certain med school was the path I was meant to walk . But sitting in the stuffy chairs with a room full of hopefuls in science/math classes I have the discerning ache in my stomach, a need to run from the room, and never return.
I wish I was one of those artsy people, whose talent made it easy for them to do something they really love. They casually sit around campus, with bikes feet away from them, smoking a cigarette and discussing music, art, and the next portfolio that is due. They dress ultra trendy swearing they got that ultra tight denim from a drift store, but I am certain I have seen it in the store window at the mall. They try to pretend they aren't pompous, but secretly know they are.They don't have it all figured out, but even that seems cool. I on the other hand suffer from a my wishy washiness and continue to return to a place of rut, wondering what the hell I am going to do with myself.
Perhaps tomorrow I won't feel so...Dreadful. Okay I don't actually feel dreadful I feel contemplative which may be the energy I need before I start studying for chemistry, and math for that matter of fact.
No one said this would be easy, I guess it would be much easier to want everything handed to you on a silver platter. I have no choice but to work extremely hard in what I do, because I do have the potential, at least I believe I do.
I don't know what's worse in my case, the fear of never pushing myself to the fullest and seeing what I could accomplish, or developing a realization that this is all I can give, and maybe my better best isn't as strong as I wish it could be.
3 comments:
I LOVE that picture! Took my breath away...just imagine if it were blown up to a big portrait size.
Anyway, about being pushed to one's limit...I have always wanted to feel challenged academically and this year, I finally was pushed to my mental limits. It's humbling and frustrating to realize you actually aren't smart enough to handle everything thrown at you, especially when so many of your classmates ARE. Humble pie tastes crappy...but it's supposed to make you a better person, etc, whatever.
You can do it! I just know it.
you don't want to be one of those artsy dipshits, trust me. there's no future in it - that soooo hip n cool thing starts to look really, really lame after, oh, age 24.
what novels are you reading for english?
you ARE a smart cookie. and by the end of the term, you'll see, all of this will seem handle-able and, if not easy, then a challenge you can certainly tackle well. just remember you're probably smarter than about 80% of the population. it's what gets ME through the days... :)
that, and listening to really old michael jackson (THRILLER!)
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