Hide and Seek

Today it is too hot to go outside. I wish i was one of those people who loved the sun and everything that revolved around it. You know those people who are always at the beach, playing volleyball and things like that. But unfortunately I like it when it rains. Thunderstorms, gray skies, and chilly weather. I like being huddled up under a warm blanket with a lame DVD on, a book my hand, and cocoa. How i love hot chocolate.

After taking the Advil, i went off into lala land and woke up late today hugging a pillow. The cats were huddled at my feet and all was quiet in the house. If every morning could be as pleasant as that, i would be set for life. I'm looking forward to the day when i will have my very own apartment, and mornings like these will be more prevelant.

It think there is a hard task of creating the life you wish to live for yourself and if my life could be full of the very simplicities that elude me at this point, i would be a very happy person.

I'm feeling a little weird today.

Like a little girl who has broken something and now has to explain it to her mother. Or if like my mother has happened upon this blog and seen all the things i have written. Which she hasn't but that is the feeling i have.

Like those moments you are playing hide and seek, and you hear the footsteps upon you. You hold your breath in hopes that they will never find you. If you are lucky, they will turn the other way and you will not be found. If you are unlucky the moment you are discovered is quite frightening. And in that instance you scream.

The weird feeling for me is the holding my breathe part in anticipation of whether they will find me or not. And it is causing my stomach to twist in knots.

I realized that i live life in a shroud of mystery, and the comfort of it's secrecy. But the comfort i revel in so much can be very confusing and frustrating to many.

I was yelled at before because of that. She did it in very joking matter(on of Katherines friends) and i didn't take it to heart. Probably because i knew that in a way she was very right.

But i don't believe i'm a girl with secrets, i believe i'm just a girl who likes to hide. Being front and center to me is more suffocating than finding the right hiding place to hold your breath in for a while.

But what happens when you outgrow your hiding space. When the door opens from where you have been hiding, and you can't even let a scream out.

Like the dude on Real World, it pains me that i make people have to come to conclusions about me and try to figure me out because of I am a very secretive person.

I not only have a wall, i have a safety lock. And sometimes i forget the combination.

So...

i'd like to hide today. Head under covers and listen to the stormwinds come in. And maybe when the storm dies i will feel safe to emerge and evaulate the damage it has caused.

But this storm looks like it's coming in strong, and i've tucked myself in pretty well for the long road ahead of me.