Rainy Day.

Yesterday for about 30 minutes it poured outside. As if the sky had said "I am sick of all this heat too.", and wanted as much relief as the rest of us. While everyone else ran inside from the rain, it was the perfect opportunity for my mother and I to run outside, and jump in puddles. And as quickly as it had come, it was gone. The sky got blue, people begin to come outside and we retreated. The story of our lives.

With relationships questions looming all around me(what to do with Mike who is in one of my classes, What to do with Katherine, who almost certainly will pop up again and what to do with my nonexistent friends/boyfriend situation), I have spent my last week at home covered in blankets holding on tightly to a pillow. Why? Because it is comfortable, and most days I would rather be in a bed anyway.

Everywhere around me the people in my life are evaluating their relationships. My brother and his girlfriend, Marie and her boyfriend, My mom and James(who she called on Monday). I feel like I'm in whirlpool of "connections" and everyone has managed to swim their way out to safety because they were open to receiving help. I on the other hand am drowning in my inability to make connections and sustain them. I am fearful of getting close to people, and having them see me as vulnerable, because in my mind vunerabilty is cast out to sea and left to suffer...Alone.

After getting off the phone with James, my mom had that "love" look on her face. She smiled and acted like a teenager, and then admitted that every time she talks to him are the only times she feels like this move was a mistake. To her, he is home. And she wants nothing more than to return. She asked me if that was how I felt, if she was the only one who felt like that. Than even though it has been some years since we've moved, his face never escapes her heart.

And I couldn't say anything. I felt it, I've felt it. I knew actually what she was talking about. She had extended her hand for me to open up, and I froze, stuffed a animal cracker in my mouth, and did awkward "love...Maybe..I don't know." she seemed content with that answer, and said "well maybe one day you'll be able to tell me"

I felt like shit. Like this is my problem. I completely afraid to open up and connect, which makes it almost impossible for anyone to get to know and like me, and perhaps fall madly deeply in love with me.

Truth be told, I have no idea what love/standards/relationship are, and haven't a clue how to understand them. But sometimes I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like I'm searching for something I have never had, but deep down inside, I'm completely aware of what it is.

It is so hard to explain, that I don't know what love is, but I know how it feels. That I have never done the whole mushy kissy things, like Marie and her boyfriend, but I know the safety of a loved ones embrace. That especially on those stupid rainy days, when I am gazing out the window up at the sky, the spot next to me seems empty. I turn in my bed expecting someone to be there. A leg to kick, an arm to hold onto, but mainly the chest where I am expecting to lay my head, and hear the even rise and fall of his breath.

Thinking back on standards, I completely want to shun them. Standards are why I don't approach people,why I keep a fair distance, because I always felt like deep down inside I am not good enough for those I secretly want to let in. I once read that my possible weakness is "shame of my secrets". At first I was like "what secrets" But it is really that I am ashamed of how much I need people, and how much I want to be wanted and cared for. But my biggest fear is that having that exposed to the ones I want to connect too.

Sometimes I feel love is enough, and creating standards are a way of trying of drive a wedge between it(love) and fear of...Letting go of the restraints that hold us in. I mean sure I'd rather my potential boyfriend not to be a pothead, crack dealer, abusive ass, and all around negative human being to be around.

And sure I don't want my friends to make me feel less than human, insecure, alone...

and I don't want my family to place the weight of success on my shoulder, and abandon me.

But when I contemplate that idea of standards(and distance, and connections), I am certain that love is enough, that it has to be enough, and maybe I have never experienced it but I surely know how it must feel. When there are pleasant moments between Marie and I( and even Mike). Or when my mother and I run in the rain.

but mainly on those grey rainy days, huddled in the blankets,staring up at the sky, and yearning for the place next to me to be filled with warmth. Or at least a very nice chest to rest my head on.

Life is getting harder and harder for us dreamers.

Time to pack and write, and sleep.

I wonder if Mr.Darcy is looking for a new love interest. I wouldn't be opposed to it.