Get Me Gone

I need a vacation. Not a summer vacation where I lounge around and get use to doing nothing except watch TV and munch on cereal.

I simply need a break away from my life, from everything right now.

My head/emotions/moods have been running at an all time high lately, which means I feel like I am in a rut. No particular rut, just a whole mess of one, which I have yet to get myself out of. Even the small triumphs(chit chat with a very hot French man while I was buying a poster. He was uber nice and is sure to become the object of my dreams for the next few weeks) of my week have been crushed by the setbacks of my increasing self doubt.

It's almost suffocating how bad I feel somedays. I think Dido said it best " I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore" . They come quickly(sadness) and for no unseen reason, but I know there must be a trigger to the depression somewhere, and then I just want to disappear. Like that crazy Buffy episode where the girl was ignored in school so much that she actually became invisible. One of my early Buffy favs.

Running away is a very familiar theme in my life. I may or may not have mentioned that I use to run away when I was younger. My cousin and brother would be in the house, and the moment they did something to upset I would pack my Beauty and the Beast sleeping bag(which I still have) throw food, toys and a book into it, and protest that I was going away forever. Forever of course was 5 minutes, after standing in the abandoned lot around the corner realizing no one was coming for me.

I felt completely invisible wherever I roamed, being bumped into, being unrecognized on the street by peers...What a dreadful feeling that is.But even more dreaduful that i need those things to feel okay. It's that little voice in the back of my head that wonders if I were to disappear would anyone even care. And I realized the answer to that is No. A big invisible no. I have never felt so lonely in my whole entire life.

I need a vacation, a long extended one that differs greatly from the life I lead now. I need to get away and figure out where I am heading. Weird...I feel like I need to get lost to be found. At this point I don't care what path I stumble on or where it leads, as long as when(if) I return I will have a greater sense of myself. Of my significance. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of it.

Who knows.

I've been meaning to put this list up for a while, but procrastination caught up with me in more ways than one.

Life Simple Pleasures

1. Watching my cats sleep at the foot of my bed and crawling beside them to rest my head near them.
2. Experiencing deja vu.
3. Pineapple Italian ices! The ones in the small cup where you eat it with the wooden scoop that comes when you buy it . Priceless.
4. Blackouts(due to storms), the house lit up with candles, my mom and I curled up on the couch reading a book(preferably rain line), listening to old CD's.
5. Listening to an old song and remembering the sentiment behind it after all those years.
6. The moments when life literally seems to good to be true. Where you take a step back and look fondly on the moment, knowing that they are infrequent, but cherishing that you at least got to experience it.
7. Walking in a new pair of converse , and breaking them in, so in a few months time they will have that old scratched up look to them.
8. Finding something new in something old. Like that house you have never seen before though you have driven down that street a million times. Or that new favorite song on the CD that hasn't been played for a while.
9. Finding that thing that makes you laugh and then having to repeat it over and over again, or in my case making someone(usually my brother, he does amazing impersonations) repeat it over and over again.
10.Being old enough to be nostalgic but young enough to be surprised by new things.

~Beckett Amelia Hughes~

*Postscript*: Not dead i swear just trying to fall back into place. Will be back to regular postings soon.

*Post-Postscript(is that how it goes)*- Will be back FRIDAY. I'm so excited, i've missed writing on this thing more than anyone will ever know. These 4 weeks have been the longest week of my life and i have so much to say. I've missed you all. See you on Friday. For real.