I am fucking tired. Excuse the cursing, but i just got out of the longest three hour exam of my whole entire life.
After having a really high moment yesterday with my story, i have hit a low period with my chem exam. There are no words to describe how f*cked up that exam was. 20 pages that weighed more than i do, composed of material that was so ambiguous to what we had learned. The first person didn't finish until at least hour two, and by then i had given up. Oh i stayed the whole 3 hours, playing around with numbers hoping that just by showing work i will get some credit for it.
I am so exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and i haven't even started packing.
This semester has been so weird. I feel like i have made leaps and bounds but am more and more confused about my future. Is it wrong to not have an idea of what i want to do. The more and more i take classes and get closer and closer to graduating the more doubts i have about going into medicine. Like it isn't a passion and i absolutely suck at everything science.
I mean sitting there and struggling through those problems almost affirmed what i have been denying for so long. That i don't think this is my path. Even if i wanted it to be (which at this point i don't want). It's weird i feel like growing up it was something i wanted to do, but the more and more i have been faced with coming closer to that "dream" the more i am notice that i dislike it. I mean even last year, going to those conferences with med students who stuck there noise up at everyone beneath them, was a downer.
I never thought in a million years i would come to a point in my life where i didn't know what i want to do. Who i want to be, where i want to go. I just know that perhaps the reason this road is so difficult is because it isn't the one i am suppose to be on.
I have all Christmas to think about this, but now i must pack and pray(in the non biblical more whining) that my professor will take pity on my soul and pass me.
3 comments:
Ha! it is the trick of Growing Up when all of a sudden you realize: oh shit, this isn't the road i meant to be on...where's that goddamn map....
and the map turns out to be lost or torn or illegible.
it took me years to figure out i wanted to do what i'm doing, and very rarely do i have a week go by when i don't think "is this REALLY what i want to do???"
and now that you mention it: you talk about going to med school and being a doctor, but i rarely hear (well, read) you talking about medicine or doctoring as some TOTALLY AWESOME thing that you can't wait to do.
(and send me your alice story! pleasey please with a cherryontop!)
My therapist said the same thing. Other than reading and/or watching medical things, it isn't something i'me like "HOT DAMN that's awesome", it's more like "that's alright".
I'll send it to you by the weekend, i have to go through and correct this mistakes i made.
I once more agree with kbryna. You never really talk much about medicine and you are such a fantastic writer. I could see you going into some field involving writing or the arts. I hope you figure out something you really love and it loves you back! Happy Holidays~~
Don't forget - I want your story, too, please!
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