Heavy Rotation.

My first week of classes have gone by faster than i imagined.

This week has left me exhausted, more exhausted, and on the verge of sleep deprivation. I'm hoping in the following weeks i will catch up to my schedule, because right now it is dragging me along.

I don't know if i can say i was surprised when Mike came walking into my Math class today. He had asked me on Wednesday(via facebook) what Math i was taking, and because even through email i am a pretty bad liar, i told him the time and the teacher.

This has got to be like the 6th class we have taken together. Perhaps he has just grown accustomed to me being their in one of his classes. But he is kind of a distraction, and I'm hoping not that big of a one seeing that i need to do really well this semester. It is good to finally have a familiar face in one of my classes though, i mean a face that i have talked to rather than admired from a far.

I never thought it would be so hard to connect with people. I almost admire the people who can freely start up conversations, who can just say Hi without fear. I've been realizing that generally I'm a happy person. Sure i have my ups and downs, and have bordered on depression from time to time in the past. And my anxiety is a bitch, but I'm happy. I'm happy to be living, I'm happy with my writing, and with the exception of my brother, i am happy with my family.

But it's fulfillment that i am looking for. And fulfillment is much harder to get than happiness.
I don't even know where to begin looking for it, or if i am able to attain it...yet. Doesn't stop me from looking though.

In other totally unrelated news...i have begun the deconstruction of my hot English teacher. He was as hot on Thursday as he was on Tuesday. This semester all my teacher, except one, are male. I've always had better experiences with females then males. I of course am generalizing this experience from my high school years where my male teachers gave me the hardest time:

My speech teacher wouldn't take my "shy, non talkative" participation, so purposely put me in class situations where i had to assert myself.

My Calculus teacher, the biggest jerk of all, threw my test in the garbage can once because i assumed we were suppose to turn in our test rather than keep it at our desk. He also managed to scold me for not knowing the name of the girl who sat in front of me....though he had been calling me Tiffany for 5 weeks. My mom later on had to come to school because his taunts were borderline harassment. He moved away the next year after many failed attempts to apologize to me.

My history teacher, who i hung out with during lunch sometimes, made me question everything and made sure i took nothing for face value. He pushed me to explore the world around me, which didn't always make it easy during class discussion, as he prodded me to give answers.

And last but not least the creepy hot math teacher, who called me Beck, and wanted me to attend "after school" help with him. He was hot, but he kind of creeped me out. I brought a friend along,just in case, and as soon as the sesson began he brought my chair so close to his, dragging it closer to him, that i quickly stopped those sessions. He also later quit.

My track record has not been well. College is a little different though, my 101 professor, Barnett ,was super nice, graded rough, but I got an A. My European Lit professor pretty much lectured and the Ta's took over the bulk of the grading.

But Mr. McHotty is very...excited as he teaches. He doesn't ask us for our opinions, he demands it. He paces the room with his leather shoes, giving fire and brimstone lectures, just without the religious undertones. It's absolutely amazing to watch him teach, not because i understand anything he says but because he seems to believe in what he does so much that he wants all of us to believe so too.

This doesn't mean I'm still not intimated by him. The girls giggle and laugh at his jokes, the boys have so far tried to question his theories on theories. I remain frightened through the whole class. So I'm working on deconstructing him, to make him a little more approachable.

Being the queen of observation I'm picking up on some clues that make me think he isn't as tough as the charade he puts on.

1) he drinks Evian water. Perhaps it just me, but there is something about him drinking what i consider an expensive brand of water as funny. Like he would never buy water out of the machines in the hallway which only carry AquaFina. Does he have like a stash of Evian, does he think it will do wonders for his skin.

2) He has moments of ADD, where he goes on tangents about irrelevant pop culture news. So far he has reference South Park, Prince, and The Real World. Which means he is either very nostalgic or out of tune with the time.

3) Back to the Prince thing, which he mentioned was his first concert. Hmmm...PRINCE? I'm just saying, thats a far cry from The Clash he was so eagerly promoting. Not trying to make any generalizations..but Prince. The Purple Rain king himself. HMM....

4) He is kind of tall, and muscular which i don't think he has grown into yet. He has tripped over this yellow chair in the room several times already. And he has no idea where to place himself. He will lean against the table, come walking down the aisle, return back to the table, put his knees on the table, fumble with bottle cap. I imagine he was a slightly gangly and awkward teen.


I figure if i keep assessing his characteristics, even if they are totally off the mark, he becomes not so intimidating, i mean how can you fear a guy who listened to Prince and has ADD. Come on.

Time to go back to...studying/watching tv/or sleep. I may go to the Movie club(making them not watching them) on Sunday, just to do something and try this whole talking in groups thing. But i haven't decided.