Lullably

Why do i get all my epiphanies while lying in bed?

I swear if there was job that i could have which meant i could spend the majority of my time in bed i would take it(except prostitution. That's kind of gross. I'm doing a story on prostitution, and my research on ancient prostitutes has been a little...rough).

There are many things about myself that i have learned in the last year.
1) dancing is dangerous in cool socks
2)Psychology sucks
3)Katherine is out of her fucking mind
4)This was the weirdest thing i have ever seen
and last but not least
5) I know nothing about boys, boys, or boys .

They make me nervous, especially the ones i would want to date. The boys who are just friends, Mike, i am comfortable around. I will punch them in the arm, lean into them when i laugh(loudly at best), and don't even mind the close talking.

But boys that i do like, i completely ignore, avoid eye contact, and can barely muffle out a noise.
(Music boy bearing the brunt of my awkwardness)

I am completely hopeless.

I was walking to my therapy session on Friday(i had some biofeedback workshop to attend, where they measure how stress my body is. Apparently i am a walking corpse and my body is stressed). On the way i noticed a potential "crush" walking to the side of me.

The class that occupies our classroom before my Theory class is a Creative writing class. Due to time conflicts i wasn't able to take it this semester, but luckily for a few minutes every Tuesday and Thursday i have the pleasure of seeing BRIAN. OH BRIAN. He looks like he just graduated from grad school, he has this disheveled look going on, and doesn't have the arrogance of my Theory teacher.

Of course the class is full of girls, who remain after to ask him benign questions about writing. I just stare on in awe,and a couple of times have been caught staring rather hard. Plus he's the creative writing professor, I'm good at creative writing, it's a star-crossed relationship waiting to happen. I've already imagined it up, and am hoping beyond hope that i can take his class this summer or next semester(preferably next semester because it's longer)

Though this crush is really just a "you're really pretty to stare at" thing, it didn't stop me from completely tripping in front of him on Friday. I caught his eye for what seemed like a minute, and then i tripped over some rock in the sidewalk. After regaining my composure i ran into a building cursing my clumsy legs and antsy nerves.

After the biofeedback i headed to my room for my favorite 6 o'clock nap. I get the greatest insight during my nap times, thoughts forming as soon as i close my eyes.

I realize or have come to accept that i put people on pedestals. I make people larger and more iconic in my mind than i should. Art boy being the biggest example.

I have unrealistic ideas about people, about boys in particular. I attribute it to my imagination, as vivid as it is. Though Art boy is very nice, and apparently "dating" a girl named Barry(for real), perhaps he wasn't everything my mind set him out to be.

I mean the more real he became to me incidentally started the demise of my crush. I had placed him so high up there on cloud nine, where he was perfect and beautiful. Nice and thoughtful, that when he actually turned out to be just a normal guy, i didn't know how to deal with it.

Perhaps this is what i did with my Theory professor(and everyone else for that matter of fact), and why in the matter of two weeks i have grown to dislike him. But on Thursday after taking him down off the pedestal of cool rock and roll rebel guy, with James Dean Sensitivity, James Stewart morality, and Steve McQueen edge(I am taking applications) he became less intimidating. He became almost approachable.

And i hadn't fully grasped i was doing this until my epiphany the other day. Until i had tripped over some rock because the Creative Writing teacher had appeared suddenly, and i became all to aware that i had begun to place him on the pedestal of nice,sensitive, art guy, with awesome bed head.

I mean it's hard to get a know a guy when you put him out of reach. It's hard to not be afraid of getting to know people when you feel you can't offer them anything. And a lot of times, even though i know that i am funny, and sweet, and that i have something to offer, i don't feel that way towards the guys i like. I feel inadequate, naive, clumsy, and uninteresting. Like they are so high up there on some list i could never get on, that i as minus well just admire them from a distance.

But i had the realization that the moment you are on the same plain with whatever you wish to have,when you put "it"(whatever i put on a pedestal) on an eye to eye level, it becomes so much easier to grasp. The odds seem in your favor because the playing ground is leveled.

I have yet to put this new found knowledge to use, but then again it is only Sunday.