Mallrats.

I hate the mall. Absolutely, completely despise the mall. Even though i can pass for a highschooler, i hate walking into the place where everyone is dressed like an Abercrombie and Fitch model, minus model height and general hotness.

My mom has been bugging me to get summer clothes(do we see a trend, get summer clothes; decorate room). To an extent she is right, I'm not really into summer clothing. Barely there dresses, tank tops and skirts were never my thing. I like cardigans, and t-shirts, and jeans. I LOVE JEANS. But as the temp goes up, there is no way that i can walk out of the house with a sweater and jeans on unless i seriously want to pass out in the middle of a department store.

But the problem is that the stores i like are not in my incredibly small town. I dig Urban Outfitters, Forever 21, and Anthropologie . Instead of going to hot topic, i know opt for buying my band tees off of their website, since hottopic only seems to buy death metal t-shirts. Not that there is anything wrong with death metal, just that i don't really want to wear a slipknot t-shirt. Just saying.

Unfortunately the stores that i like are not in close proximity, and so instead i went searching around town for summer clothing. Old Navy hates me. The clothes literally hang on me as if i am a hanger. It's pretty sad to shop there, which is why i don't. So then we headed to the mall.

It's the first time i have been anxious in a long time. I was surrounded by grown adults,little children, and teenagers who were literally wearing the same clothes. We stopped in some store that was like a weird "This is how we think people in California dress" place, and i literally dragged around for 15 minutes. My mom was picking clothes left and right that "everyone is wearing" and shoved them in my face. Of course she doesn't understand that "everyone" is 15 year old girls and boys who are wanting so desperately to fit in, they have become all the same. Trust me, at a time in my life i was that teenager. When the new school year came around i begged my mom to take me to coolest clothes shop for shoes and shirts that we make me the "new and improved me".

But... after a while, you realize that just because you put on a shirt that from Abercrombie and Fitch doesn't mean you are instantly warped into a new person. So i stopped caring, and by senior year, you'd be lucky if i bought a new book bag. The truth is, i know it's a teenager thing, i don't even mind it, but I'm not that kid anymore, who cares about if I'm wearing the same corny plaid shorts that are "in style", or that someone takes notice that i matched my hair clip with my belt.

I like the way i dress. I have no problem with it and the sooner my mom realizes that, the sooner she will save money on a 34 dollar shirt i am never going to wear. This shirt was this "I'm going to the beach, with my boyfriend Todd and his surfer friends". I tried it on in the parking lot and my mom said my boobs looked like tennis balls, the shirt was so tight. She later returned it, and i later order a Sufjan Stevens t-shirt, and another t-shirt that said "My future is so bright i need shades". CUTE.

Anyway, i have been avoiding Marie since my birthday. Which would be going on 3 months now. I don't know what it is that makes me not answer the phone when she calls. I feel like a horrible person, i feel like a horrible friend. A part of me is jealous of Marie, she has a boyfriend, and friends, and a clear idea of what she wants to do with her life, and for the most part she can do it. She is brilliant, i mean really smart, and knows her professors, and has a car, and an apartment...and i don't have any of those things. I have one friend, a car that doesn't work, i don't even have a crush.

It wouldn't be so bad, if she didn't rub it in my face. I don't think she does it on purpose, but i can't get a word in otherwise without her talking about her boyfriend, or her boyfriend, or her boyfriend. And when she isn't talking about her boyfriend she is talking about how well everything is going for her. I don't think we have any conversations about our interest, about movies or books, or anything. We just talk about her life, and too extent i feel like i don't even exist.

So that's actually what i have been doing for 2 months, not existing in her life for a while. Screening calls, and ignoring emails. But i figure i can't go on like this forever, eventually I'll have to pick up the phone and say something. I guess in a friendship i want there to be some two way appreciation for each others life. And unfortunately i don't think that is happening with us... i don't know. Sooner or later I'll have to pick up, answer back.

Until then...back to writing. I've stocked up on writing notebooks, and a writing play list on my Ipod. Now i just need a plot, some characters, and ending and I'm good.