Better Luck Today...

I woke up in a bad mood today, listening to "To Be Alone with You", and making up some excuse to myself why i shouldn't go to class today. I don't deal with embarrassment well, and i felt utterly defeated after yesterday.

Of course, logically i knew it wasn't a big deal. Being drilled about poetry, pausing for 5 minutes struggling for an answer(which in my mind is like an hour) and then shrugging and going "I have no idea" several times... is of course no big deal...Logically. Emotionally it was like "WTF was that, God i am so embarrassed, where is a pillow, i can't possible go back tomorrow after i made an idiot of myself. ATTICA!!! (for some reason Al Pacino always comes out at those moments)..."

I thought sleeping it off would help, but it didn't. I cursed at the clock this morning, began doing the "Wow I'm not feeling so well" thing and finally downloaded a pity song to put on my "Sad day" playlist before heading to class.

But then i remembered something from therapy...

While i was in therapy my therapist gave me a Wonder Woman address book. It's very small/bright red/ and has a million images of wonder woman. It's suppose to represent me, when i am strong and brave and fearless. I'm not a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, i keep it in a locked safe place where no one can see it. The problem with keeping my heart shielded is that i am keeping myself hidden from others. I am not letting anyone in to the wonder of a person i know i am.

So she made me walk around with this thing every where. To let people see my "heart", so i would learn not to be ashamed of it. That it was cool, and nice, and funny, and that i shouldn't keep it hidden where no one could get to it. It's suppose to symbolize me putting myself out there, because that is the beauty and experience of life.

When i found out that she wouldn't be my therapist in the fall, the wonder woman book became more of a strength, i keep it with me to remind myself that when and if i get scared, i shouldn't be. I am strong, and brave, and fearless not only because someone believes in me but because i believe in me.

So after a short anxiety freak out, i grabbed my Wonder Woman book and headed to class.

Thank god for Wonder Woman because today was way better. WAY BETTER. I talked and was interesting, and i wasn't scared(well not that much), it made up for yesterday's disaster and i felt a whole lot better after class.

I kind of need to do good in this class for a sweet recommendation from my professor. Joining the English game a little late, i feel a little pressure to make some sort of impression on my current and future professors, including this one.

I guess yesterday was kind of a realization that anxiety is holding something back from me, i can't even talk(or a least BS a semi answer) without this overwhelming fear of embarrassment. I need at least three recommendations for writing school, and i can count 1...tentatively. I feel like my inability to talk is simply the only thing holding me back from having three strong recommendations to my name, along with a lot of other things. So i guess it wasn't only about my frustration with Emily Dickinson(though i still blame her) it was more my frustration with myself.

I'm working on it. Slowly, but I'm working on it.

In other news

I'm going home this weekend to get a new cell phone!!! I think i simply want more friends so i have more people to call my phone. I mean I'd at least like to put the new thing to use, more then i do now anyway.

Time to study and write a paper.