Dance. Dance

Before i took a class with Mr. Mc[insert name here] i had a dream about him which involved dancing.

From what i remember, i was taking a creative writing class with Mr. Mc[___] (go figure). He wanted the class to get up, and learn some dance moves, to get the creative side of us up and jumping.

There were these painted shoe imprints on the floor, that we were suppose to follow. I was following the moves pretty well, freely dancing to the music playing only in my head. Mr. McNotSoBadOfAGuy started walking through the aisles complementing everyone on their moves. When he got to me however, he began kicking at my feet, messing up my perfectly coordinated moves. It was rather frustrating and irritating.

And then i woke up.

I remember wanting to figure out what the dream meant because it was the first dancing dream i remember having. And Plus My dream guy made an appearance. I learned that to dream of dancing signifies: freedom from constraints and harmony/balance with yourself. You are working in cooperation with yourself. It also represents frivolity, happiness, gracefulness, sensuality and sexual desires. Alternatively, it may signify intimacy and a union of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself.

I was content with the definition of the dancing part but i still wanted to know why Mr.McNotSoBadOfAGuyButQuestionableAsTeacher, was kicking at my feet. Especially since up to that point, i had only seen him walking around campus and was madly in love with his face. When i went to therapy later that week, Casey said that the professor was probably a symbol for anxiety. That having the disorder is attractive because it promises security by making me so distant from people ( i had talked about anxiety resembling a person once) and that this alluring thing was causing me to be off balance, causing a great disconnect.

Her analysis sounded good to me and i bought it.

Today i felt off balanced, more than unusual. I was ready to hide my head under some covers and call it wrap. I went to my religion class where i got my test back. I didn't fail it, but it was sucktastic. An A was demoted to a C because i either a) over looked the directions or b) my professor is old and senile. I wish i could say it were the latter but he took the exams back and i just don't remember if he or I was at fault. Either way, i was pretty pissed after i got my test back and wanted to sulk for a little while.

After the disappointing grade, i had to go to work today. I just wanted to be by myself. Some days i'm just in my head. I like to camp out in my thoughts, and have some time to collect myself. But Amanda came over to my section during mid "introspective moment" and started talking about her boyfriend. She did ask me how i was doing, but then quickly changed the conversation to herself.

After that, i couldn't even be sad, mad or angry...because i had to have a smile on my face or everyone would ask what was wrong. I don't have melancholy days, but sometimes i just want to be in my own head. It's the whole introverted part of me, where i just want to float around in my own thoughts. I'll come up for air eventually, if you give me time.

But i was sort of forced into happiness today, and i hated it. They still joked around and gently teased me, as i was completely not feeling it. Amanda was sort of rude as usual, and i was on defense like always. I did a horrible time training this new dude who is potentially crush worthy (GREY EYES!!!!) in that "i am sort of emo way". I'm not into emo kids, but whatever. And tomorrow i have to see the result of my horrible training and then probably be teased about it.

After work, i went to Shakespeare. I'm performing average in that class and i don't know why. Yes, my professor is very nice but the class is dragging (much to our fault). Then i got my paper back on Titus Andronicus. It was pretty wicked awesome, i thought, on why Rome is a wilderness. When i got the paper back however, a big ol' B- was on it Followed by:

You are too prosy! Nice argument but prose gets in the way.

After that i was pretty much done with him and that class, because he was telling the truth and it hurt.

By the time Shakespeare was over, i was tense from the whole day. So tense that i felt like i couldn't breathe. I had to go to the dinning hall after class, where crazy suite mate was hamming it up with the people next to me. There just something about her that creeps me out. I don't know what it is. She continued her sort of running into me, "excuse me" "hey Beckett" "excuse me again" thing. Eagerness is just not attractive. The day had already sucked, and i sprinted out of the dinning hall with a cookie hanging from my mouth, and GQ magazine on my mind (Hell Eric Bana).

When i got back to my room, i sort of wanted to collapse on the bed. Hide under the covers. And weep. I don't find crying so embarrassing anymore. It's sort of a relief. My day wasn't terrible but i was so tense i needed some relief and crying seemed the best thing to do.

I hate those days when I feel like my best isn't the best. On a test, at work, in front of other people. I hate feeling embarrassed about who i am, or who i aspire to be. I hate being awkward and withdrawn some days and so introspective that it comes off as distant. I hate that all those things made me tense today. So tense that i wanted to cry for some release.

And then i thought back to the dream. Mr.McOkayGuy kicking at my feet, throwing me off balance and having a hell of a time doing it, with his gorgeous face. And i realized that today i was relying on anxiety to protect me. I wanted to hide from the day and myself, and let anxiety tell me that everything was going to be okay. Some days anxiety isn't a big deal and other days it lures me back in with promises of safety.

Damn Anxiety.

I want to feel balanced. I don't want to feel disconnected or self consciousness anymore. I am proving everyday that I'm more blooming flower than wilting stem. And yet i don't implement that into my everyday life. But instead of crying about every thing...i danced. Because i don't want to be constricted by self doubt everyday.

I twirled, stomped, moved, and jumped. Not in any particular way or rhythm just in a "i don't want to be embarrassed with who" i am way. In all the parts of me. The prosy part, the introspective part, and the sullen part. I just want to be congruent and connected, and not so unbalanced. I don't want anxiety kicking at my feet anymore, no matter how attractive "he" is.

It was like footloose and Flashdance, but at least i didn't almost sprain my ankle this time.

I just wanted to throw it in anxiety's face, that even though it's kicking me and knocking me off balance some days, I'm still moving, I'm still dancing, cause I'm still looking for the balance in life i desire.

I don't know if it worked, but dancing sure was fun and at least for a moment i felt balanced in the chaos of moving freely.

I'd recommend it for those Monday blues.