Like any introverted girl, there are some days when i like to be by myself. It's just how it is. There is no way to explain it unless you are introverted too. People are exhausting and sometimes i need to breathe. I was watching a documentary the other day about a couple who have been deaf since birth. They decided at 65, that they wanted to hear (with the advances of technology). 65 years in silence and all of a sudden they hear the sounds of the world. Of course being able to hear myself, allows me to take a million things for granted. I don't question whether my feet makes a noise when i am walking, or whether branches make a noise when you break them. But to them, simple connections between movement and noise where puzzling. Does the wind make a sound? What does a piano sound like?
Of course once they got the surgery to fix their hearing, noise was not as melodic as they had imagined. I mean of course a child's laughter, a sound of a piano, or even the sound of waves crashing into shore are comforting. But carts being pushed in a store, cars honking, and dogs barking weren't as nice. Even though they spent all this money to hear, they ended up in a years time barely using the aid, preferring the calm of silence rather than the chaotic noise.
That's sort of how being an introvert is. You want to hear and feel and see all those things that come with human interaction. But sometimes you would rather just turn off the hearing aid, fall back into silence, and concentrate on the day to day things that make you happy... without interruption.
When i got back to work, i sort of thought i would fall back into my own group of buddies. Which wasn't the case as previously noted. Rock & Roll doesn't work in our department, so i only get to talk to him when he comes in the office. Me and Debbie hang out, but she leaves an hour after i get there. All the new people are nice, but i usually don't talk to them unless someone else has started the conversation. That leaves the old clique of Amanda, Britton, Kathleen, and Michael.
But as the days go on, i don't feel like hanging out with them all the time. I admit it, sometimes i like to just go off by myself and daydream. There's nothing wrong with that. And i have been doing a lot more reading than laughing about insane things. Between the hour that i socialize, the hour that i work, i spend at least one hour day just by myself...where i want to be with my books.
Interestingly enough Debbie Downer and I have been talking a lot more since i got back. I think she realizes that i won't be there in the fall and is trying to squeeze in as much time with me as she can ( she gave me some chop sticks today!). Which is nice, because when she isn't being a totally downer we do have some pretty interesting conversations.
For an hour (the socializing hour) before she has to leave, we just sit in the office (because everyone is at lunch) and talk. It's actually better than i thought. I was at first offended by her proclamation that we were cosmic twins. I now of course understand that we are similar people, in very different stages of our life. I'm not exactly like her, and she's not exactly like me but where we find the middle ground has created a friendship. This relationship with Debbie Downer however has people talking. My co-workers now think that i am secretly spending that hour a day with Debbie Downer squealing on them. It's complete bullshit.
On Tuesday after spending some time with D. D, as started replacing call numbers on the 3rd floor. Since I've been back i haven't really done any of the normal jobs. While everyone else is shelving, I'm typing call numbers, scanning books, and explaining things to new people. Apparently this means I'm doing absolutely nothing but being bossy and sucking up to D. D. Amidst my call number job, I heard Britton say "be careful what you say around Beckett. You know she goes back and tell Debbie Downer everything".
That motherfucker.
I generally like Britton. He's my crossword buddy. So to hear him say that was not only sucky but totally out of left field. Amanda saw me coming and said "She's standing right there". He then went on to say he was just kidding and that I know that he didn't mean anything by it, but the damage was already done.
It sucks majorly. I know it's probably karma for all the things i have said about Debbie Downer behind her back but those comments render on "she's sort of depressing and tells sad stories". They don't question whether she is squealing on people at work. Whatever the case, it made for an awkward Wednesday.
2 comments:
It's okay to sometimes want to be alone with your toughts. It is also true that people are exhausting. Rock & Roll sounds like a cool dude and it's so cool that you are putting your fears to the side. It's awesome that you and D are getting over all the B.S from the last semester. I say let them think you're the mole. I know it sucks hard but what can you do just try and make the best of the two more weeks you have left and have fun even if people glare at you.see you in space
buncha assholes.
people are lame and weird. HAVE you ever mentioned anything - even really offhandedly - that DD could have interpreted wrongly (and then scolded someone for)? that's the only thing i can think of as explanation.
can you go talk to Rock&Roll? i mean - go to wherever HE is, not wait for him to come to your office?
i only have one week left of teaching; then grades are due by the 25th, and I am DONE for the summer. well, not with my own work, but that's on MY schedule.
i cannot imagine life without extensive periods of alone time. i really do start to feel panicky on those odd times when i'm stuck around people - for a weekend or so - and cannot get away to be alone.
everyone has been talking about that documentary, lately. what the hell?
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