Rock & Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

I barely survived the pipe busting day. It was hell. I am not a heat person and the recent heat wave hitting the east coast is killing me. When my body gets too hot, my hands turn really red and begin to swell. I know i'm a freak, put me in some exhibit and call me lobster girl. It's do to a salt (electrolyte) imbalance which simply means i have to add more salt into my diet to compensate for the lack of it.

I didn't learn about this salt imbalance, up until a couple of months ago and have long suffered from overheating problems. I'm naturally an indoor person, but that doesn't mean i don't like the sun and sand like everyone else. The only difference is depending on the duration of my time spent in the sun can lead to me overheating and suffering from heat like problems that come with the sun.

After learning that my dorm (along with 67 other buildings on campus) would be without heat for at least 24 hours, i was resigned to sleeping in a hot room. I have been reading about Jesse James and the Old West lately (along with listening to the best damn soundtrack ever: The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. Buy that shit. It's amazing), so i figured if they could handle the hot ass weather back in the day so could I.

I was actually looking forward to sleeping in the heat. I think the body does this weird thing where your skin begins to glisten (because of the sweat) and you feel a little cold. Just for the moment anyway. I was actually digging the glistening skin part at first. I stripped down to some shorts and a tank top and felt like Scout Finch from to "Kill A Mockingbird". I put on the Jesse James score by Nick Cave laid down on the floor with the fan blowing in my face and wrote a poem or two. All i needed was my hot greaser boyfriend and a pack of cigarettes i don't smoke to set the mood, and all would have been good.

The "this heat ain't so bad" mentality ended as quickly as it had come and by 8pm, i was cursing the damn heat and the glistening skin. My hands didn't swell like i thought it would but i began having heat cramps around 8 and from then on it was downhill. When i say it was hot, i mean it was burning hot. My skin actually ached it was so hot. I couldn't think of any cooling tips, so i just cried the night away with fan blowing in my face. Eventually i fell asleep, only to wake up occasionally throughout the night.

I don't see how people lived without AC, because i am totally spoiled by technology. I admit it. The AC eventually came on sometime Friday, but i was in the library the whole day working overtime to beat the heat and the stifling humidity in my dorm.

Coming back to work has been a little different than what i expected. At the end of the semester everyone hated Amanda, Debbie Downer was Debbie Downer, and i hung out with a core group of buddies who made the day go faster. Now however, everyone who hated Amanda doesn't work their anymore, Debbie Downer is still Debbie Downer except now with an obsession with her weight (bordering on an eating disorder), and a new clique has formed with my sometimes arch Nemesis Kathleen and Amanda, and my buddy Britton and some dude named Michael.

It's a little weird because even though i am not excluded from this group, i still feel like the odd man out. This doesn't bother me so much because 1) they don't really talk about anything of value and 2) i am so preoccupied with reading all the books in the damn fiction section that i would rather escape for a while and be by myself ( I recently found Mr. McDreamy's dissertation in the fiction section and have been trying to read it during my break) .

This doesn't mean that i don't hang out with them (because i do) but i am still trying to figure out how to balance social interaction while also comforting my own personal space. I need time away from people just to think and breathe. It's weird i know but i need that time like needing water on a hot day.

On Friday i spent the whole day hanging out with the new clique with the addition of Rock & Roll (also known as Stephen). Okay here it comes... i kind of have a crush on Rock and Roll and i don't know how to explain it. By all accounts he is sort of my type (whatever that means). He's cool and artsy, has a shitload of knowledge about everything, and is not too bad to look at. Usually i would totally stay away from him, ignore the crap out of him and deny deny deny any interest in him because it's easier than wanting to hang out with him and start having girly feelings for him.

But in an attempt to work on this anxiety thing, i am putting myself out there just to test the waters. Where I'm usually shy, quiet and distant, i am now a little more talkative even if what i say is stupid. I joked around with him on Friday, made an effort to ask about his interest, yadda yadda yadda.

And MotherF*cker, the weirdest thing is occurring...He seems generally interested in me and what i have to say. Which of course is freaking me out!!!! It takes all the energy in the world for me not the run in the opposite direction when i see him coming. This is new uncharted territory for me. He's suppose to be another Art Boy. You know someone i admire from a distance but who I don't really interact with. He's not suppose to talk back and ask me questions. Right?

Relationships freak me out, because i like control. Plain and Simple. I think it's what i got from anxiety. Though having anxiety is anything but a calm and collected thing, when i get antsy i can run away, hide in my corner, not deal with the problem and escape into the realms of my mind. I don't get to choose when anxiety comes but i get to control where i run too when it happens. I can just step out of the situation and be done with it.

Getting close to people is risky, because we are inclined to want things from the people in our lives. And the things we want dictate how we treat them, how we act toward them, and what we offer in return. I am uncomfortable with my wants and needs from relationships (from family, friends, co-workers, potential boyfriends) because they (my crazy wants: Love and Understanding) seem complicated to me (even though i know they aren't). A part of having relationships is being vulnerable and being vulnerable for me means not being in control.

Rock & Roll is posing this dilemma. He hangs around me when we are in a group, he walks with me through the library and asks me stuff about the notebook i carry around all day( it's a small black notebook that i write stories in). On Friday after a couple of us decided to hang out in the computer lab, he came with me to the second floor for no reason at all. There were about 4 of us in the computer lab and when we decided to leave we each headed in different directions. On the elevator he said he needed to go to level 1, i needed to go to level 2 and Amanda and Britton were headed to level 3.

Our library is built kind of backwards. Level 1 is in the basement instead of being the main floor. So Britton and Amanda got off first (on 3), and when i got to my floor (2) Rock & Roll decided to come with me...for no reason at all even though he was headed to another floor. I felt all weird and awkward around him. But instead of being all weird and awkward i just kept talking. And talking. He listened though, and totally came back upstairs with me when i said i was going to the office to hang out.

I naturally, being guarded, want to run away from him because he is showing interest. If I ignore him, put aside my growing interest in him, then i won't have to worry about getting too close where things don't seem to be in my control anymore. But in the past few days, I haven't run away. I've just completely gone and gotten myself all interested in a boy who has noticed me, and taken a liking to me (whether that be a friendship liking or a crush liking). And that is making me uncomfortable.