We are holding up pretty well here in the Hughes house (and by we i mean my mom and I).
There is still this need to stay in the comfort of our own house and process Danny's death.
My mom is finding comfort in religion.
My brother is finding comfort in cigarettes.
And because neither of the two are my particular vices, I've found comfort in writing.
Some how i've reclaimed my writing mojo, and have been typing out stories since his death. I don't want to say this is any divine intervention, but he's inspired me to write and keep writing until i cannot stare at the computer any longer.
So far it seems like a tragic case of SIDS, which i've researched a lot in the last couple of days. We won't know until next Friday, but it will put a peaceful closure to this tragedy knowing that he was in no pain. We sort of feared that.
I finally cried the other day, out of the blue. I was alone in my room, and a sudden sadness came over me. It was followed by a feeling of safety, and that every thing will be okay...eventually. I admit after i had let it out, i felt sort of okay again.
We are just processing the whole thing in our own little ways, and finding our way back from grief. What a weird thing that is.
I graduate in less than a month (August 9th). Crazy insanity. I got my tassel in the mail today, and have to mail out invitations on Monday. Then a week later (after graduation) i am headed to NYC, to begin...life, i guess. I'm scared shitless. I feel unprepared, like the kid who skipped a bunch of grades and is way out of place among the high school girls with boobs and cars.
When i tell people of my plans they have a way of eyeing me up and down and saying something like "aren't you scared". This is usually followed by the worst case scenarios of moving to a big city. Though i laughed it off, and said "i can handle it", i was really screaming inside wondering if i could actually handle it.
I guess i won't know if i don't try.
Thank you guys for the kind words. It has helped a lot. Back to my regular sporadic and nonsensical postings soon.
Now time for some Gavin Degraw and pillow hugging.
2 comments:
i'm here for you now, and after the Big Move. i've got your back (from a distance) - trust me on that one.
and who knows? maybe someday i'll go to new york and visit you!!!
i'm glad you and your family are - well, coping. i'm glad you cried, too - i think that's important, and cathartic in a way nothing else can be. i'm not at all surprised you're writing as a coping mechanism.
if you need/want to talk, you know where i am.
Hi Beckett, I've been reading your blog for awhile (I even link it on my blog, is that weird?), and I'm not a big commenter, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing right now. Take care.
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