I Wake Up.

Everyday i wake up, and i can swear i see a visual countdown of my last few days here.

Nina (the grey cat) is always at my feet, the sound of my noise machine is whirling, books are everywhere, and Seth Rogen is staring at me from the magazine rack on my desk.

I wake up. I stare at the ceiling for a while, and then there it is ,like some scene from a movie, the visual countdown telling me i have only 3 days left. I know I'm imaging it, i know the letters and numbers are not really spelled out for me. Over my head like some mirage that i can't get rid of. But it's as real to me as anything else.

I pull the covers back. I get up. I pet Nina (the grey one) who is usually purring. I can hear the internal soundtrack of my life right now. Some James Newton Howard or Deborah Lurie score: a little moody, simple, and quiet.

I shower, brush, and moisturize. I check my email and miscellaneous websites. I read to get my mind off of things. I write to remind myself of things. I watch as much tv as i can without going insane. I nap with Nelly ( the other one, who snores) and Nina. I wake up. I get up. I pack or attempt to. And the rest of the day is just a blur.

I realize that my life here is boring and monotonous. I realize that i spent the last 3 years of college hating the experience until the last moment. I realize that I've waited for this moment since i moved here. To get out of this stupid town, and head out there into the real world. But now i cannot understand where this feeling of fear is coming from.

I do this often. I get nostalgic about a place and a time, blurring reality from what really occurred. I have forgotten about all the bad years wrapped up in boredom, self doubt, shitty friends, and people my age who are all getting married and starting families. In this town some people's only way out is through the false security of married life. There is no potential for growth here, you come here to rest, settle down into a complacent existence.

I have forgotten all that of course, for fond and often embellished memories of idyllic times. Good thing i have a documented history of the last three or so years to smack some reality into me.

I'm glad that i am graduating (this Saturday to be exact) but that doesn't mean i haven't fretted over why i was deteremined to gradaute in 3 1/2 years. Why i didn't just take the slow and easy path like Mike, Steph-en, or even Katherine. Of course i realize that all three of these people are struggling to grow up. That they have bombed classes, switched majors more than anyone else, and are looking at least 2 more years of college life. But that doesn't mean it hasn't crossed my mind that maybe extending a few more semesters wouldn't have been that bad?

These are just crazy thoughts ,i know, that are working as my defense mechanism. I am afraid of what the future has in store for me, because i haven't yet planned it out. I once had a dream that i was on this extremely fast train. It was so fast that i didn't know where the hell i was or where i was going. I knew that i wanted to get off, but that i spiraling to a place faster than i wanted to go. I had thoughts of jumping off, as it rocked back and forth with acceleration. I woke up before i could make a decision. I woke up.

With 3 days until graduation and 5 days until NYC, I must turn this anxiety into something productive. For it threatens me, with it's looming promises of false safety in a place i never really liked.