Going to the Country.

It's Friday!!! Thank god. I've never been so happy to see a Friday afternoon in my whole life.

Me and another girl are still under constant supervision at work. Sometimes we definitely need to be supervised (what do you do if someone wants to order something that is not in the store) and other times it is not necessary. Like reminding us that spelling counts, that you have to bring the customer to the book and place it in their hands, and answer the phone in four rings or less. I guess repeating this over and over well beat it into our heads.

I was wrong when i said Keith was perv. I guess i got a wrong impression from his blood shot shifty eyes. He's actually pretty nice though a little too intense for his age. He recently got married, recently got a promotion, and now has 3 new employees to train. He looks on the verge of a breakdown like one day his body will literally buckle under him. It wouldn't deter him from making sure everyone is working, being productive, and greeting customers with a smile. Even if he is giving orders from floor.

Of course I had to get hired the same day they hired an extremely cute, tough and funny girl born here (Natalie). I wish i could say i hated her but I don't. She's pretty nice and outspoken, and for 20 has this tough exterior thing that you know is a facade but it's adorable. The last two days I have often been abandoned by employees who want to talk to her instead of me. So though it is an interesting job to have, i can't help but miss having employees who all liked me. That's how Amanda use to introduce me anyway to all the new employees: "that's Beckett, we love her you will too"

Starting a new job means having to situate myself all over again. It took me a year just to make a name for myself with the library staff. Debbie Downer recently emailed me to say that David (cute emo kid with a girlfriend) said he missed me. It made my day because i played a wicked game of Rock Band with him. I don't warm up to people instantly and sometimes I can come off as distant and standoffish, when in all actuality I am just shy and wanting interaction. Natalie has the interaction thing down. She's an lively extrovert while i am a contemplative introvert. Damn sometimes i hate being an introvert.

I have Saturday off which is a good thing, but unfortunately Hurricane Hanna has some other plans for the NorthEast. I feel like i need a vacation. Just a weekend to myself with a crying baby, stressed out aunt, nervous mother, and neurotic thoughts coming from my own head. I told my mom about my concerns the other day (that i will work in a bookstore my whole life and never get a career in publishing or writing) and she literally got angry on the phone.

"What are you talking about. You were worrying about getting a job and now you have one. And now you are worrying about something else."

I am relentless in the pursuit of something I have no concept of. I guess because I often feel unstable and on the fringe of falling apart, I seek out what I feel will create some stability in my life. If right now that stability is finding something that is creative and productive (publishing), I feel threatened by anything that might knock me off course. If that makes any sense at all.

But sometimes i forget to breathe. I forget that i am only 22, a recent college grad, and that i have a lot of experiences to go through before i reach a stability i am okay with. I don't enjoy being in the moment sometimes, it is a chaotic listless place that frightens the hell out of me. Being in the moment arises an anxiety in me that I can not articulate, so i always make sure to stay on some course (even if i am stressing myself out to do it) rather than feel like i don't have control over something.

At the end of the conversation my mom suggested i take a break for a while. Stop planning things out, and just have a relaxing day of nothingness. I wish i could rent a cabin somewhere and just be by myself for a while. I could a rent a car, take my laptop and camera and head up into the mountains and write. Or at least take in the scenery.

When we took my cousin to college a couple of weeks ago we crossed a river called the Tappan Zee. The bridge stretches over the Hudson River and takes you to upstate New York. It was like a different world crossing that bridge from the busy honking streets of Westchester County to the farmlike oasis of small town USA. I imagine there is probably some cabins up that way that i can look into. Just to rest my head and rejuvenate. And maybe write. I haven't done much of that these days.