Still Haven't Learned My Lesson.

Drinking coffee after 8pm is a bad idea...I know this from first hand experience. And yet, put me in a coffee shop after the street lights come on and I will order some ridiculous drink like coffee regular knowing the effect it has on me.

I never learn.

I think it is 2 o'clock in the morning. My stomach hurts, my mind is racing, and I am typing out a new story. It's about loneliness if you can believe it or not. Self imposed loneliness that disconnects us from each other because of our fear to get too close, rely on others, and sometimes ask for help.

I like the concept of it so far, but I say that about every story I write. I am noticing that thread in my life. Loneliness. I am not lonely here, I have friends. I am finally doing the things any 22 year old (with a good head on her shoulder) should be doing...yet the idea of loneliness always lingers in my mind.

That topic was the main article in a popular magazine some time ago. How in New York (and other major cities with a lot of people) you can literally feel lonely surrounded by faces. You would think with all the sources of activity you wouldn't get trapped up in this isolation that you cannot break free from. But from the subways, to the sidewalks there is a loneliness in this city that creeps up on you from nowhere.

Sometimes I get it. And when I do it pains me more then I would like to admit. The loneliness makes me feel like I'm spiraling out of control. Not because I am behaving any differently than I have in the past. But because I feel like life has taken hold of me and I am too scared to embrace it. I want to isolate myself in some safe nice space, where I can catch my breath and breathe. Even if that means escaping into a lonely bubble where I am the only inhabitant.

This could be the coffee talking and/or the stomach ache. This could be the disconnected, antsy, neurotic me talking. I don't know, but it still doesn't change the fact that's it's 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I hate coffee, remind me never to drink it again.