I have actually written quite a few blog post this week but posting them has been a different story. I guess I will consider those the lost blog posts of 2009 to be published sometime in the near future.
I may have an interview on Tuesday with a production company. I am still pursuing publishing houses but that something in the water (the recession) is making finding an internship a hard thing. I contacted a production company last week after seeing their post online and i scheduled the interview for this Tuesday but I left the time of said interview up to them. They have not emailed me back in regards to what time i am suppose to be there so I will have to push past my anxiety and call him Tomorrow in regards to when I should make my way into the city (he said calling was fine).
I hope i get something. Anything. I want to go back to school, but i dread moving back home to small town USA for a couple of months. My mom is ecstatic that i am coming home, she is even putting money in my account to help with the cost of the plane ticket. She also put a bookshelf in my room because she knows it is the one thing I have been asking for in any room i have lived in since birth.
But I don't want to give up on this place. Sometimes i feel like a big failure but other times i feel like I have learned so much here. I am different and maybe not in a bad way. I am little more assertive, i know what i want, and i have a voice, a voice that is so much stronger. I don't know if I'll carry it back with me to small town USA but I hope so.
Angie has an interview tomorrow and she was freaking out at work the other day because she needed to have Monday off and couldn't find anyone to switch schedules with her. She couldn't switch with me because my hours weren't any better and I literally saw a meltdown in progress. She said she is like that. She doesn't handle stress well and that she sometimes (but not often) she crumbles when the stress becomes to much. She eventually found someone and now she has Monday off. She is 27 and has a master degree and this interview is a make or break opportunity. I often hang out with people a lot older then me and sometimes i forget that even though we get along there are differences in our age that i am starting to comprehend.
At 27 she is just in a different place. Having a crappy book job for her is a totally different thing. She had a career in archival work but was laid off a couple of months ago. She has a serious boyfriend (who lives across the pond) , a serious apartment and a serious life. Though five years doesn't seem like a huge it is when you are in your 20's. Or 30's and 40's. So this interview tomorrow is a big thing. It's not just a "oh , I didn't get the job woe is me". It's big. It's a life altering interview.
On Wednesday we both have a day off, and I figure we will either a) be excited about our new prospects and talk about it over drinks or b) lets not think about b. B sucks. B sucks hard. So drinks for every one!
It's weird that at a certain age you have to start planning out your life. I don't go much into gender roles and society but sometimes it feels harder to be a girl. And not in the physical "I can do anything you can do better way". There are just more choices and sacrifices that we have to think about making. I mean I was talking to Marie that other day and she basically said she probably wouldn't have kids. When I asked her why she didn't give me the "because i don't like them" speech. She literally summed it up in a numerical equation.
"So I'm 23 now. Which means for me to have kids before the age of 30 I would have to have started a serious relationship with someone 5 months ago. If this even turned out to be the guy I wanted to have a family with. Add in 3 years of just dating I'll be 26 when I get married. I don't want to have kids right away, I want to at least be married for a couple of years which means I wouldn't technically start having kids until I was 30 which isn't good because I have this disorder that makes having kids hard...so I'm not going to have any".
???
I mean I don't think dudes have this issue. Or if they do, I'm not hearing about it. I remember when we were discussing gender roles in my medieval class, women's role in society came up a lot. A student made a comment that went something like "the gender roles are pretty much the same but now we (women) have to find some balance between wanting a career and wanting to be a mom, or a wife, or just a plan girl. ". My teacher agreed, so much I thought she was going to raise her hand and say "praise Jesus". We all sort of agreed. It is a legit concern. A concern that I am confronting but from a far.
I did not mean for this to be such a feminist post but another thing has been bugging me about being a girl. The "porter' is getting on my nerves. After reading that interesting post on jezebel.com , I no longer feel wrong about my actions. Why is it that if a guy, any guy, shows you an interest in you it is assumed you should just go for it or be completely flattered. I mean in the town Marie is trapped in, she is hanging out with a girl who has already found a guy, moved in with him and now she thinks she may be pregnant. Said girl has only been in that town for 6 months and she doesn't even like the guy that much, he was just the first one to show an interest.
It bothers me that you can't be nice to a guy without establishing some boundary so your nape doesn't get assaulted. That niceness can be used to manipulate in a situation and give cause for a guy to assume some right over you, without your knowledge or agreement. Case in point, after said disaster of a 'date' it is I who looks like a bad person towards all of his guy friends at work. "I" rejected the nice"Porter", there must be something wrong with 'me' because I don't want to date a guy who showed some interest. "i" am at fault because I gave him the wrong signals by being nice and polite. They don't come out and say this but it lingers on their tongues during conversations with me. "I" am the bitch because I rejected someone who had/has an interest in me. "I" am the bitch because I don't have an interest in him.
Yesterday we worked briefly together. He walked around with a sad face and a mournful tone to his voice. He said hey to me but that was the extent of his exchange. He was trying to make me feel guilty. Yes, feel guilty about not liking him. This is preposterous and ridiculous. Every time I turned a corner he was there to give me a sad face and then he would go in the opposite direction. Of course, this makes it seem as if I broke his heart just because i had a few stupid conversations with him and agreed to go to the movies...the movies. I didn't agree to make reservations at a resturtant, I didn't agree to make out with him when the ball dropped, I didn't agree to be his girlfriend. It is weird that he took possession of my own right to choose who i want to date.
Like I would automatically like and be enthralled by him because he showed some interest. It is almost insulting. So last night after I leave, he asks Angie ( my new friend) why i won't go out with him. She tells him that I am just not interested (good answer). Upon hearing this he preceded to hit on her and give her the same sap story he gave me when I first met him. My niceness card came out when he told me about his girlfriend in England. They were engaged but she decided to break it off. He couldn't understand why she wouldn't want a dude who was totally devoted to loving her. He told me all the corny stuff he use to tell her over the phone "i love you more than life itself". I mean it was cheesier than a halmart card but I still felt bad for him and took the time to listen to his story.
It frustrates me beyond end. So while he is hitting on Angie he tells her that not only has his girlfriend broken off the engagement but she has died. All of a sudden there has been a death. Of course he is looking for sympathy because I broke his heart and his pretend girlfriend died. It's sad that our only protection from leacherous guys is pulling out the bitch card. I don't even think I have exercised that card but he is tempting me. I don't know, hopefully he won't grope her nape or I will feel horrible.
I'm sorry that I don't like him but what is wrong with being able to choose the person you want to spend your time with. What is wrong with being uninterested and a just nice. I don't know. My head hurts, good thing I have the sims to entertain me for the rest of the day.
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