In The Cut

Grad school stuff is due in less then two months. Argh. I don't feel as unprepared as I was last year, but still my stress level is pretty high. I am going to submit a chapter or two from my 'loneliness' story which should be an adequate assessment of my writing.

I like the concept of the story so far. But that's what I say about all of my stories in the beginning. Before I get caught up in trying to complicate it with dare i say...action. Sometimes the use of action and intent puzzles me about narratives. I wonder if there needs to be an absurd amount of overt exciting event after exciting event to make a story...work.

I am a fan of nuances, subtlety (if you can believe it) and characters. Sometimes simplicity is much more honest than action. Just like in the movies. Sometimes I would rather watch a movie about a character and how they interact with whatever situation they are in. Not specifically a intense situation but subtle ones that effect their every day life (growing up, unexpected death, family issues, and loneliness). I mean don't get me wrong I am looking forward to Transformer 2 and the new Terminator movie too, but sometimes movies about people (In the Bedroom, Imaginary Heroes, and That Night) compel me the most.

Between my job, internship, and burgeoning social life, finding the time to get all these grad school requirements completed is hard. I have two days off this week (yesterday and today) but once 12 o'clock rolls around my day goes by so fast I can barely even call it a day off. Angie wants to hang out later on today, but for the first time in a long time I am not feeling up to it. Not because I don't have a lot of fun with her, but I sort of want to stay in bed.

I have reasons for this. Ever since I started this writing career thing, I notice that I am required to do a lot of reading. Not even really required, but my writing school as of this moment consists of reading a lot of material from contemporary and older writers. To get a sense of how stories work, I sort of use previous narratives as my guide. I concentrate on what works for me as a reader to understand writing. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Whatever the case, I am reading a lot. I use to read a couple of stories a week when I was younger. This number has decreased drastically since high school and I am now once again finding my passion for reading. I think they (writing and reading) have to go hand in hand. In order for me to write I have to be able to read critically. Or something like that.

I am running low on money, which has put a halt to buying a book every week. Yesterday I went to the library with a list in my hand and picked up some books I have wanted to read for some time. The trip was semi successful. I forgot to look for Under the Volcano and Nausea (two books I always start reading but never finish). In the end I picked up The Crying Lot of 49, some Joan Didion books, and a book called Goodbye Lemon. The selection is pretty good, and I don't want to leave my small space and enter the real world today. I would rather take some time with the individual text along with dabbling in my own scattered work.

I just finished In the Cut by Susanna Moore. At work, employees are now getting their own endcaps for a month. If you walk into a bookstore endcaps are the displays located at the end of a shelf. The books cascade down from said shelf based on a theme. These themes are mostly promotional, so said endcap and said books on endcap can be found in any bookstore (affiliated with this company).

However, last month the managers suggested that we have encaps dedicated just to the employees. Only three employee endcaps (along with the required endcaps) would go up a month, but we would be able to put up books that we like. For some reason we are all excited about this. We do not get to be individuals in this store. We can't talk about politics, money, religion, or personal preferences out loud (though that does not stop us from trying). So being able to have our own endcap for a month with books that will no doubt give customers some insight into who we are as people...is pretty damn exciting.

I remembered seeing In The Cut, a few years ago late at night. It's an erotic thriller starring Mark Ruffalo and Meg Ryan. I don't know if I liked it because I knew it was something I shouldn't be watching or if because I really like the story line. Whatever the case, my endcap is going up in two days and I wanted to put this book on it. Of course, I hadn't really read the book but I figured it could be a potential candidate as long as I finished the book before my endcap went up.

I was instantly turned off from the book after a couple of pages. It made (makes) me uncomfortable. The sex is graphic, the characters are raw and uninhibited. As a reader I felt like a voyeur, watching a very violent act occur but being powerless to do anything but gasp and walk away. I was tempted to return the book after the first 30 pages. I searched all over for the receipt and when I found it I placed in the book as a bookmark so I would know where it was when it came time to return it.

For two days the book sat there, on the floor, where I stared at it with interest and disgust. And after my horrible Friday I had convinced myself that the book had given me bad luck. But I was compelled to read it, even outside of being repulsed by it. Outside of how unabashed Frannie and Jimmy (the teacher and the cop) are the story is beautifully written. It has voice, purpose and dare I say intent. A part of what turned me off about the book, was that it turned me on (in a non sexual way). Most of us are repressed individuals who act out of fear rather then pleasure. But the two characters are not repressed individuals. Jimmy is pretty much a masochist (very masculine except for his 'girly hands) and Frannie is...willing (delicate yet experienced). Murders are occurring around her, she may be a target, he may be the murderer (though he is the detective on the case) and throughout their intense relationship both of them are aware of this, and yet both of them continue to act out this awareness through sex.

Brilliant.

I want someone to talk to about books. Not only about this book but every book. I like Angie because she likes talking about books and analyzing them with me. But I don't think she gets into the analyzing thing as much as I do. I can literally go for an hour discussing one specific book in an attempt to understand it. When we hung out the day before I just wanted to talk about this book and nothing else. I kept talking to her about it as if she had read it (which she hadn't) and I was disappointed that I couldn't give my analysis to her appropriately because she didn't know what i was talking about.

Anyway.

I just finished In the Cut today, and I was very sad to put it away and add it to my collection of books that I have read. I don't know if i'll put it on my endcap but I enjoyed the read.

Next on my list is Run River by Joan Didion. Should be interesting. I really need to focus on my story and am hoping I can do both (read and write) at the same time without complicating my role as the audience and as the writer. We'll see.