I had a bad day. I know I had a bad day because at the end of said terrible day I played 'So much trouble' on my Ipod about a million times (or at least until my ears cried tears).
Remember the whole roof incident. Well despite being locked on the roof for four hours, crying on the phone to a boy named Adam, and almost freezing to death...Lenny sent my back up to the roof today for round two.
The roof and I have a clear understanding. We do not like each other. When I go on the roof bad things happen. It's just fact.
Though I was not locked on the roof today, I may or may not have moved the still camera, which we are not suppose to move! And by move I mean I may have totally shifted the camera from it's originally position because I am clumsy and was so freaked out by last weeks incident that my hand slipped and touched the camera.
Holy shit. It's the one thing we are not suppose to do. Don't touch the camera! It's rule number 1, 2 and 3. And I fucking touched it. I was mortified once I realized what had happened, i quickly pushed it back to where I thought it was and cursed myself silly for the next 5 minutes.
I didn't tell anyone what happened, simply because I decided (quickly) to take the chicken way out of it. I could hear the French Directors voice in my head "don't touch the fucking camera" and then I could see myself trying to explain that I had. I touched it. Moved it. Shifted it.
Shit.
I spent the rest of the day avoiding eye contact and smiling tentatively when someone looked my way or called my name. I don't know if this place is for me. I mean outside of my big mistake today...I don't know why i am there. Sometimes I spend an hour staring at a screen not because i have to but because I want to look like I am doing something.
And now with this whole incident brewing on my conscious, I am fearful of what will happen. I am frightened that I have messed up a two year project and that the blame for camera-gate 2009 will not be place on the person who sent inexperienced me up there. I am frightened that I will lose this internship even though I don't particularly like it. I am frightened that French Director will give me a profanity laced scolding when he notices that the pictures do not align. I am frightened because I feel like I am screwed...maybe not today but one day in the near future.
My head hurts. I bought cheesecake today so I can eat an unhealthy amount of food and drown my fears away. Oh, and the Matt Pond PA song is still on heavy rotation:
I don't think i want to think about it
how the fall is coming down
the light is leaving and it's hard to breathe
buried in a pile of leaves
we don't want to ever change
we don't want to make mistakes
i hand the finger to my fate
he doesn't know me and he cannot see that far
nights get so long and cold, fewer places we can go,
you're in so much trouble, can't hide in your covers.
2 comments:
Deny, deny, deny. There's really no other way out of it.
Well, but wait.
You could always say something like, "Lenny, I'm paranoid the camera moved! I didn't touch it, but I swear something seems wrong!" You'd have to lie your head off, but if you can find a way to safely bring it up now (maybe blame the wind???), they can still save their work. If they're smart, they've got markings on the box that they can check and realign. They can't possibly have allowed two years of work to rest on the assumption that the camera will never, ever, EVER be bumped out of alignment.
And if they have, they are really stupid. Either way, not your fault.
P.S. Steal that coffee mug. :)
I am going to deny like hell. I am usually very forthcoming with admitting when I have done something wrong but this incident was so out of my control.
I am going to take your advice. I am going to deny until it is brought up, blame the wind, and hope that all is forgiven.
If that doesn't work... that mug is mine. It's really cute and has a cow on it.
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