Seeking You Out...

...when the time is right.

I have a love/hate relationship with facebook. On one end I like having access to people's lives that I am currently friends with. I don't mind knowing that Kathleen ( this cool chick from work) can't wait to see Jennifer's Body by Diablo Cody or that Angie is enjoying DC. I don't mind seeing the results of my friends stupid quizzes, or that today they are feeling shitty/happy/angry and yadda.

I mean in a sense I already know these things about them. But sometimes you get a nice bit of tidbit that surprises you or reiterates why you like them so much. Not saying that you can't have a solid healthy friendship without knowing that Josh stayed about late drinking or that Ana has a psych test today, but it's an added bonus.

The problem with facebook though is that you now have access to people you would never have access to in the past. Remember that kid you use to play with who lived around the corner or that drama teacher you had a crush on in middle school. There was once a time where you could go "I wonder what happened to this person" and then brush the thought aside. And even if the nagging curiosity got to you, you could ask your parents or the friends you have kept in touch with if they know what happened to this person.

Now, it's completely different. All you need is a name or good research skills and you can find out what happened to your crush from the 3rd grade. It's amazing. And I must admit I am guilty (during my more infrequent nostalgia days) of going through a year book and seeking these people out on facebook. Not even to read their profiles, but just to get some glimpse of who they are in some attempt to get some insight into their lives.

But it has always stopped there. I have rarely pressed the 'add as friend' button (though it's tempting). I talk about my past a lot but there is something about befriending someone who I don't really know anymore. I mean I could be over thinking this. But in all honesty if I'm seeking out Diane from around the corner ( a person i once knew) it's not really because I want to know what she is doing now and want to grab drinks with her. I mean a part of it is, but I think the real reason is because I want to connect to that part of my life that no longer exists.

Now this does not mean that I won't accept a request from a person I once knew. For some reason Graduation has spurred a lot of requests from people in my past. Two of my best friends from childhood contacted me late last year and I was thrilled to reconnect. Of course it went no further then emails and comments on pictures but I was okay with that. I would soon find out that one contacted me because his mother had just died and he needed to be reminded of times when she was alive (which included memories of me and orchestra class) and the other had to leave school early (financial reasons) and she wanted an old friend to talk to. So now you know why I don't take these requests seriously.

So waking up early today in order to get some writing done (blogging counts) I was a little apprehensive when I saw a friends request from a kid I knew way back when. His name is David and we went to elementary and middle school together. He was actually a really good friend at the time. I went to all of his birthday parties, and ate lunch with him regularly. He was a drama nerd and I was a 'serious' screenwriter back then, so we were a creative match. The apprehension did not come from the out of the blue request. It came from the fact that this is not the first encounter I have had with this kid. But the first time I was the one seeking him out.

When I had to leave my first college because of financial aid reasons I was the most miserable I have ever been. This is no exaggeration. I was what some would consider a 'hot mess'. At the time I felt as if I were this big failure and this was probably my first real encounter with depression. Needless to say I was on the 'google your friends online' bandwagon before it got popular. At the time facebook was exclusive, and I don't believe myspace existed (or it wasn't as known as it is now) so I just googled names . The only person who I could find was David simply because he was taking this acting thing seriously and had a website set up with his Resume. On the website was an email address and being the idiot that I am I emailed him. To this day, I regret that.

I got an email a few days later. And after debating whether I should open it or not, I found the courage to read the damn thing. And luckily because I didn't lie when I said I document everything I have the email for you. I wrote it down (word for word) in my journal because the content was heartbreaking:

Hi there...this seems to be the summer for blast from the past, as I recently got in touch with a high school friend whom I haven't seen in two years, but you've definitely beat her out...Mrs.Bruno's class in the 5th grade....WOW!

The letter starts out great. But it goes downhill from there

I'm trying really hard, and I'm not sure if I remember you or not. I'm terribly sorry, but I have a bad memory for names, and unfortunately your isn't triggering my memory. If you have a picture you could send that might help jostle my memory, though (as you've seen pictures of the current 'me' on my website) we have each probably changed a good deal since 7th grade.

Good luck with the pre-med! I know I could never do that....but screenwriting is something I've definitely tried my hand at! I hope you have fun and succeed with everything!

I certainly did not expect to find this in my inbox when I logged on. Hopefully we'll find some way to bring back the memories...Oh, god, seven years ago back. Thanks for getting in touch!Ciao!

The end. When I got this letter five years ago I was pissed. Not so much because he didn't remember who I was but because I had spent all of my time remembering who he was. Remembering who all of them were. In my mind they had never stopped being my friend. In my mind we were just divided by distance, nothing more or less. And in a way, his letter was a slap in my face from my own hand for hanging on to something and some people who were no longer mine in the present tense. They were mine and they remain mine only in memories where we never grew up.

So this friend request was weird. I don't know if he befriended me because he has an idea of the girl he knew in the 5th grade or because he remembers the girl who wrote him five years ago. In any case, I am brushing this aside as another reminder of the times. That we have become so accessible to people we once knew but who we don't really know anymore. Sure I checked out his pictures and read some of his wall comments but this kid is a stranger to me now, as I am one to him.

F*cking facebook. Anyway, I am suppose to be writing stories but I can't stop reading books. I am preparing myself for my internship in August by reading a crapload of romance books. I use to love these things but now they seem like frivolous excursions to places where members are always throbbing and bosoms are always rising and falling. I just finished a book where a woman has fallen in love with a werewolf. She is treating him (yeah, she's a doctor) because he's an alcoholic who has blackouts. The blackouts turn out to be connected to his claim that he is a werewolf. Of course they fall in love yadda yadda yadda. I've never read a book about a werewolf, so all I could think about was whether she was going to have sex with the wolf or the man (turns out having sex with a beast is illegal). I am not much of a feminist but this books (targeted towards women) are fun to read but questionable. But that's a whole post in and of itself. I have put those books aside to read The Rules of Attraction by Bret Easton Ellis. I love this guy. I have read The Informers, Less Than Zero, and American Psycho. I think his dialogue is to die for.

~Beck