September Slump!

I'm starting to really hate the month of September, which is a shame because it use to be one of my fave. September signifies the end of summer, the beginning of school and for me change. But for some reason, this month has kicked my ass and beat me up so badly I may not be kidding about that move to Australia thing.



For some reason, I thought I would come back to New York and everything would suddenly fall into place. I would love my internship, dig my part time gig, and enjoy living on my own (via my aunts house of course) but that has not happened. Though I still have this internship, I am convinced more and more that publishing is not for me. My part time gig is also wearing thin. There are too many changes, too many new faces which only remind me that I have been at the bookstore for a year. A whole year. Living with my aunt sucks too. There is no cable, no food (outside of what i buy) and no Internet (the Internet problem has been solved though thanks to my mom, the people at sprint, and some weird USB card I plug into my computer. Oh technology).



But still, times are much harder than I thought they would be and I feel as if I am running out of the little options that I have here. I feel like I am in the same place I was a year ago, and this is a heartbreaking and stark realization. I am smart, I am sensible (well, sometimes), I am well adjusted and-and-and yet after a year of interning and working part time BS at the bookstore, I have nothing to show for it. Nothing at all.



Last week was dreadful. As suspected, the old guy incident just set off a train of badness that followed me until the end of the week. I am dissatisfied at work, selling books, cleaning up after people, putting on my fake happy face that people fall for time after time. At my aunt's I still get this looming since that I bother her or am taking up space in her house, though I am rarely here when she is. This last week, she has avoided me more times than I can count. When I come inside the apartment she jets off to her room closing her down and shutting me out. My mom thinks she is behaving this way because the facade of her life is falling apart. There has been no cable for weeks and the food situation is still pretty grim. But I don't see why she should act weird around me.



The internship is coming along. I try to take in as much as I can without falling asleep at my desk. The Nazi is in Italy for two weeks, leaving Bethany and I with the Associate Editor. My time there is okay, but I am so bored some hours it hurts. I have no idea what to do with myself even though I have a pile of work to complete in just two short days. I am beginning to think that I am not as talented, bright or smart as I once believed. I can't be if this is all I have to show for it. I know that I am putting my all into getting my life to pick up, but my better best just seems to come up short. My better best is a bookstore job, an unpaid internship, and a couch to which I sleep on every night.

Some days I need to do a little self pitying. And last week I had my fair share of it. I want my life to pick up, I want to feel like I am succeeding in some small way instead of feeling like I am this big loser. I came home a couple of nights away and sat in the dark living for about an hour. It rained that whole day, and for some reason the rain always does something to me. For some reason all I could think about when i got home, soaked in my ugly work clothes, sitting on the couch that would in moments become my bed, is why am I not living this life of passion? I am consumed by passion in all facets of my life. I laugh hard, I cry hard, I feel so deeply for things that sometimes I am blinded by it and here I am at 23 with no f*cking clue what to do with my life. A life where i want nothing more than to live passionately and work passionately and love as passionately as I can. Why am I not doing this? Why?

I'm sort of stressed about all these things. I will not miss September it sucked hardcore and has literally kicked my ass.