The Line Begins to Blur

It's raining outside. Hardcore, and I would have walked home in the rain but the janitor asked me if I needed a ride home and I couldn't turn the offer down. I still feel a little bit like shit, despite the fact that I woke up without the achy stuffy feeling. When I got to work, I started to feel down again and I struggled to make it through the night. Luckily the manager-on-duty, wanted to get out of the store as much as the rest of us did and by the end of the night we had about a half hour of cleaning to do.

Now... the janitor asked me if I wanted a ride home as soon as I came into the store (around 5). I protested at first but then relented because a) a free ride home is a free ride home and b) I've decided to let this crush thing go which means I have to learn how to be be friendly without taking things the wrong way. Around 10 however, he asked if I still wanted a ride home ( or rather, "am i still taking you home"). My first thought was that he offered me the ride prematurely and forgot that he had something else to do after work or someone else to pick up (like the gf). Before he could explain the reasons for not being able to drive me home, I gave him an out "it's ok, I don't mind walking if you have other plans". Being a nice guy he said that wasn't it, but that he would also be taking another Co-worker and co-workers gf (and former cafe chick) home.

I don't do well in crowds. Even as small as four. So anxiety isn't ruling my life, as much, but I am still apprehensive in crowds. I do not mind being judged by one person. I can take the critiques one at a time, but in a crowd I feel judged by a million eyes. I wonder what they think about me and if I am living up to their expectations, and instead of failing them in some way (or worse; not turning out to be the person they thought I was) I crawl into myself, like a turtle.

AND...I am not a huge fan of cafe chick, because she is ultra beautiful with her tall self and exotic name who also happens to be dating the co-worker who looks like a gothic version of Johnny Deep. She is very food conscious and constantly critiqued my cafe choices along with my pension for all things sweet. This is not a thing to go all ape shit about, but I have never really jelled with her and all of a sudden I was going to be in a car with her and her boyfriend plus the janitor guy. I knew what was going to happen. I would be insequential and uninteresting among these three people who have a history. I would be the one walking a few steps behind, wondering if they even remembered that I was there.

And of course. That is exactly what happened. I should have walked home. At least I would have had Marie (and the rain) to keep me company. I sort of just faded into the back, like I always do in these situations. I listened to the janitor and cafe girl talk about some party they were both attending with a kid name Jon, I heard them all laugh about some show I've never seen on Adult Swim, and I was present during the kinship they felt for one another as I wished that I was anywhere else. The ran poured down, and I didn't want it to stop. I didn't care that my shoes would further be ruined by the puddles that I stepped in, or that my hair would look like shit when I got home. I wanted it to rain, I wanted the sound of the drops hitting the ground to drown out the pounding of my heart, and the subtle cracking of my being. I wanted the drops to wash me away.

I hate that I am like this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Tonight anyway. I hate that, even though he has a girlfriend I still want to be so interesting he doesn't care that the other broad is there to schmooze and talk with. I hate that I can't function when there are too many people to account for. I hate that I can't breathe, even though I know how. I hate relying on the rain to blur the tears on my face when it becomes to much to handle.

Late night rambling. I'll probably delete this post in the morning. Ignore that it ever existed.