Days Go By...

I have four days off of work this week. Yikes!



Yesterday, I hung out with a girl from work. We went window shopping, stopped at the supermarket and then hung out at her temporary apartment for a few minutes. Then she came along with me to the library where I added an extra 6 books to the 7 I had at home (I returned those today. I am really addicted to the library).



Today I plan on reading some of those books, lounging in some cute slippers I found and maybe getting some writing down. I have the time to do it. So why not. The part of me that doesn't like all of this time off is worried about my paycheck next week. 3 days aren't much. My manager is an idiot and for the next couple of weeks I will have hours and then not have hours. The part of me that does like all this time off is excited because of the books I get to read, the movies I get to watch, and the sleep I get to have.



I am trying to swing in some more social aspects to my life. I am loner. I have no problem admitting this. I don't like being alone, but dammit if I don't relish in some time by myself. When I don't have to be anyone else but me.



But there comes a point in everyone loner's life, where you worry about being alone. When all you have to look forward to is nothing, because you don't have anyone to share things with. I am still struggling with anxiety. I sometimes feel like it is just in remission and that there will always be the possibility that it will come back hard core.



I am ultra guarded about my life. Or rather, some insecurities about it (and me) that I can't shake. It's weird. I can make friends, I can maintain relationships, but I always feel like I am holding something back from the people who want to know who I am. I only feel like a handful of people have a true sense of who I am (my mom and marie) and despite the positive feedback I get from them about who I am and what I mean to them, I resist being as fully present to other people as much as I am to those two



But currently this is preventing me from making any real connections to the people I come in contact with. Especially the ones who want to get to know me. This particular girl from work has been asking me to hang out for a while. She, Jenn, was the one who invited me to the hotel party for New Years Eve. I didn't go, only because I thought Josh, the one throwing it ,should have invited me. Turns out he did invite me. He asked Jenn who had my number, to ask me to come because we hadn't seen me at work in a while (different shifts) and couldn't ask me in person. But the way she asked me on the phone made it seem like she wanted me to come because she didn't want to go by herself.

The next day he came in to work a little pissed at me. "where were you last night" was the first thing he asked me. And then I relayed the whole "i didn't want to be a party crasher. I wasn't sure who was inviting me to the party" thing to him. "why wouldn't I invite you. we're friends, but i wasn't sure if I had your right number so I asked jenn to ask you to come".

My bad. How was I suppose to know.

I have to make it up to him. I told him the next party he has I will come, and be all excited about being there. Though Jenn, totally fudge up the party invite, I still wanted to hang out with her because she has been asking for a while and I like Jenn. I don't want her to think that i don't, just because I am not much of a hanger outer. Marie explains it the best: It's getting me out of the house that is the problem. It can be a challenge, but after that I'm fine.

So yesterday I spent the better part of my day off hanging with her. It was fun. I was exhausted when I came back home and did my usual crash and burn thing. But then I couldn't go to sleep the rest of the night, I contemplate getting rid of my nap hour (2-3). It is sort of affecting my sleep at night.

Today will be more like my usual day off. I returned those damn books to the library (like seriously, who checks out 15 books!), then to target for food, and now I am home in bed (shit there goes that getting rid of my nap thing).I enjoy not having any place to be today. I don't have to wake up at a specific time to head to work, or to the mall, or someplace like that. I hate not making the money but for now I am going to enjoy these days to myself. I miss them.