I've run out of motivation and energy. Which is never a good thing when you are trying to get a job and move to England. What in the world has happened to my life.
I can't even begin to explain how I feel about Heather getting a job. It's a blow to my very sensitive ego these days and I wanted to smash things like a character from the Flintstones. Bamm Bamm was his name.
I was already having a shit week and to come into work yesterday and hear that she not only got the job she wanted but that she quit the bookstore without any notice was...unbearable. Being unable to find stable employment is sucking the life out of me. It has made me question every skill I ever thought I had. I keep hearing that I just lack the experience, but how can I ever get the experience if no one will hire me.
I can't even go into work with a smile on my face anymore. I literally hate being there with every fiber of my body. I feel caged in an endless pit of customers, books, and digital e-readers. And I know this phase of my life is suppose to suck . I know this. But why can't it suck at a crappy office job. Why can't it suck with a 9-5 job with weekends off and benefits. Why must it suck whilst I slave away at a retail store finding corners I can hide in.
And it feels like EVERYONE Is leaving or moving on or finding crappy sub jobs in fucking Newburgh and I can't even get a desk job. It's heartbreaking.
I couldn't even concentrate yesterday because immediately I was filled with jealousy. And in a very immature move I silently prayed that she would be teaching awful bratty eight graders who will make her question teaching. I know I'm a horrible horrible person.
Wallowing in self pity is pretty hard to do when most of the people I 'hang out' with do not understand the expectations I have set for myself. When you are use to be the brightest student and the one with all the potential not being able to achieve a level of success in an entry level career is difficult to grasp.
I mean when Marie said my degree in English was useless I wanted to claw her eyes out. How dare she invalidate four years of my college career just because I didn't major in science or business. And I stand by my decision to switch my major. I freaking love/loved English. When I was a science major my only solace were in my English classes. They were challenging and engaging.
But getting a job with my degree is hard. Very hard. Or maybe it's the economy. Or maybe it's my inability to pin point what I really want to do. But I'm floundering. I am at a loss as to what I should do next. Yes I am still on track to pursue this UK Scheme but in the back of my mind I worry that if I can't even get a job in the US how will I ever get this production scheme overseas.
And because of all these obsessive thoughts I feel burnt out. Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. I have no motivation to do anything outside of sleep. Kat, once again, keeps asking me what is wrong but i find it hard to explain that I just can't do this anymore. That there is no future for me at the bookstore and because of this I lack the motivation to be there.
I just feel like all kinds of a mess right now. Directionless and alone. It's weird because I've been on a nostalgic trip lately and have watched several clips of the television show Felicity which aired on WB teen years ago (can you believe it). I've talked about the show before; college girl who moves to New York to follow a boy she loves and of course find herself in the process. The Felicity soundtrack (the first season) was the first album that I bought and listened to religiously for like a month.
As i watch some of the episodes on Youtube again and listen to songs from the album I can't help but remember how depressed I was when this show first came out. It was a dark low period of teen angst and severe anxiety. And as i sit here today listening to Here Comes the Flood by Peter Gabriel (one of my favorite tracks on the album) I wonder if I have returned to that place again. I hope not.
I need to find the motivation again to march on. I need to light the match that will spark life back into me. Because I am black and blue with numbness.
1 comment:
Have you tried temping? I can't say I recommend it (from personal experience - I temped for a good long time before I found my shitty office job post-college), but it does usually pay a little bit better, and it's a desk job. In my cases, it was almost solely a "sitting-at-a-desk-doing-next-to-nothing" job.
You're in the classic conundrum of i need experience to get a job but i can't get experience without a job. AND it's happening in a very shit economy. Unemployment is hovering very close to 10% right now, and that's HIGH. I promise that it ISN'T YOU that's the problem here.
Have you considered applying for jobs in other cities? like - chicago or boston of philadelphia or savannah or anywhere? if you're willing/able to move, that might be worth thinking about.
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