Little Faith.

I've been listening to the National a lot lately. Hence the title. Outside of them being a brilliant band, they provide a soothing (and often sad) soundtrack to my life these days.



What I do like about working at the bookstore are the cool Cd's we play during the day. For the most part the music department gets away with playing some amazing tunes. Some are promotions ( James Taylor) while others are Cd's the music manager accidentally opened and had to play (Scott Pilgrim Soundtrack). I still don't know if The National is one of those Cd's or if the bookstore is on top of amazing bands. Who knows. But while I drag myself around the store shelving books, helping customers and scowling at life it's nice to have The National in the background.



It's been more than a week now since my amazing interview and I haven't received any bad or good news to write about. I am still simply in limbo waiting 'patiently' for... something. I know that i royally damaged a good impression due to the phone debacle. But I killed that interview. I may not have said all the right things, but I was personable, professional and down right awesome. And that is not an exaggeration. But as the days come and go and my phone continues not to ring I cannot help but doubt all of these things.



Maybe the HR Assistant couldn't get past the phone thing? Maybe they are 'going in a different direction' (a direct phrase used in a rejection email once) and found someone more tailored to their company? Maybe I wasn't as sparkling as I thought I was?



Whatever it may be, the waiting game is tiresome, especially as things around me begin to change so drastically. At work everyone is leaving. Well almost everyone. Yesterday I just found out that my favorite manager took another job at another store because the hours and pay are better. He is every one's favorite manager because he lets us slack off. I can't believe there was ever a time when he wasn't there and to imagine the store without him is nearly impossible. With Him gone the rules are going to be stricter, we are all going to be less happy and our days of talking endlessly at customer service will come to an end.



The store as a whole has become a different place since May. Books are becoming less important with the introduction of digital resources. And for some reason we are now selling all of these School related items so I kind of feel like a Staples when people ask me where the 'scissors and poster boards' are. With people now getting new jobs or simply moving on, still being there feels...strange. I feel like a permanent fixture.



And now that Favorite Manager is leaving I want to move on from this place desperately. We started working at the bookstore around the same time, and I felt like part of a team with him. And now he's leaving.



As I wait to hear something back from Possible New Job, I know I have to keep moving. I have to keep going just in case this doesn't work out. Sure I hope that it does. I have faith (even if it's just a little) that it will. But until then I have to keep existing. I have to keep trudging along. I still show up with a smile on my face and a pleasant demeanor even though I'm freaking out inside.



It does not help that Heather is becoming a nuisance at work (girl who just graduated with a BS, wants to be a teacher). On Friday I came into work and she was having a temper tantrum in the break room. She was sitting in one of the chairs with a huge frown on her face and typing on her phone. Apparently she got a call from a school upstate about coming in for an interview for a substitute gig. Because she was on the clock she missed the call (sounds familiar huh) and was trying to get in contact with them with no luck.



I suggested she leave a message, write an email and just keep trying until she got in touch with someone. She threw her head down on the table and in front of everyone exclaimed that working at the bookstore was on some levels beneath her and that she really needed this teaching job. When she stormed out minutes later I had to remind myself not to say nasty things about her in my mind.



The next day I come in and Heather is very happy. I mean smug happy. She was able to get in touch with someone at the last minute and scheduled an interview for this Monday.



'isn't this amazing news Beckett! ' she said to a very disinterested me, but i grinned anyway and said something on the lines of 'totally'. She then went on and on (and on) about how this was her ticket out of the bookstore and that she had this job in the bag. Maybe she should wear a blue shirt with her interview suit. No pink because it will add character. Should she move closer to her job or save money by staying with her parents for a while? Oh come on Beckett this is real people salary I won't have to worry about being able or unable to afford things.



I wanted to strangle her. After she described how awesome it would to finally get a job after being out of school for 3 months, she said that because her interview was at 8:30 Monday morning she saw no point in coming into work at noon that day. Because 'whats the use of coming into a job I will no longer have. hee hee.'



I couldn't even fain interest after this. I'd recently made the mistake of telling her about my attempts at getting a new job and because of this, she patted me on the shoulder after talking about her interview on Monday and said 'don't worry. just hang in there and in no time you'll be out of here like me'.



Of course when I arrived to work today, Heather, who was scheduled to work, had called out 'sick' and wasn't there to cover her shift. Because of her call out someone else was asked to come in on there day off, causing for a very long day at work without a Head Cashier. I couldn't help but voice my frustration to favorite manager about Heathers lack of professionalism and general suckassness. For the most part ALL of use want to leave the bookstore. But we come into work when we are scheduled (me), we don't take days off before a big interview (me) and we sure as hell don't plan on calling out sick because we can (me). We grin and we bare it because we have to. Because we have a responsibility to our current job. No matter how dissatisfied we are with it(HEATHER).



But of course behind my general frustration towards this ungrateful girl is...jealousy. What happens if she actually gets a job before I do? What happens if her phony personality and, once again, general suckassness lands a real job? She once sent me a text message ending in 'okie dokie'. She dresses in dark clothing and wears spiked bracelets because it makes her look more 'rock and roll' and she complained about her parents raising her rent from $25 to $30 just days ago. I mean come on. How is this...fair.



And I hate being jealous. Hate with all of my might because it makes me feel like a horrible person. Because in all honesty I would hate for her to get this job (which I don't think she is going to get) and for me to want to be jealous of her situation. I would hate to think that someone saw any sort of potential in her while I continue to try to find someone to believe in me.



I'm unbelievably tired because of how long my shift felt today (thanks Heather) and now I am home and can think of nothing else but hearing something back from PNJ. Please let me hear something back from them.

In other news

I am going to see Inception again on Tuesday with Matt (guy from the Nerd Day Rooftop Extravaganza). He hasn't seen it and had plans to see it with Kat but she blew him off to hang out with Evan and so I some how found myself being asked to go instead. Awkward much. But because I need to take my mind off things and Inception was a really good movie I don't mind seeing it twice. I do feel kind of weird going alone with him though. But I figured we managed to have a really good time on the way to Jen's house that spending a few hours in the world of Chris Nolans imagination won't be so bad.