Rooftop Day....

...and I'm nervous as hell.

the last few days have not been great. Readjusting to a plethora of activities, people and general anxiety has put me in a funk. A weird depressive like funk.

It doesn't help that the other day I was caught up in a rift with two of the people attending this rooftop lunch thing. Not a huge rift but nonetheless it has made things pretty weird. I'll talk more about it later. Essentially it involves my feelings of isolation, jealousy, and confusion after finding out that these two are now really close (despite one having a boyfriend, and the other trying to date a girl from work). While working with them they talked secretly, confided in one another, flirted openly and had inside references I was not a part of.

This did not bother me too much. I am use to being the third, oddball wheel. My defense against feelings of isolation though is to crawl inside my head when people inadvertently shut you out without noticing. I don't mind being in my head sometimes. Fun things happen there. But I guess they got wind of my silence and spent the rest of the evening asking me what was wrong.

As a girl who has felt on the verge of crazy her whole life the question I hate the most is 'what's wrong'. It makes me feel like I can't feel my various moods in all of it's...power. I don't mind being a little moody. I know that I can go from calm and relaxed to antsy and contemplative rather quickly. But these two extremes help me function. I need them.

I need to experience every emotion without interruption and having it repeatedly challenged (inquired about, though I assured them that I was okay and just have a tendency to fade into myself some days ) makes me feel like a whack job. It does more harm than good when you ask over and over again. I don't know why yet.

Anyway, the last two days have sort of sucked on a personal level and I was tempted to bail on this thing. But Matt is going, and he seems sort of excited about it which is making me excited. We are riding the train and subway there together and as a stickler for time I debated whether I wanted to go with him at all because I hate being late (and I didn't know how punctual he was)

But on the cuteness scale from 1 to ten, he scored an 9 yesterday when he said 'so I guess we should be at the train station at 11 because the train comes at 11:11' 'okay, i don't live to far away so I should have no problem making it. The real question is what time are you going to get there', he followed this by the most awesome sentence ever ' 1o:45. i hate being late'

A man of my very own heart.

I hope this goes well. I need it to on some level.