My post vacation days are not flying by as smoothly as I would like it. This is starting to get on my nerves, so much that I've contemplated taking another break. That's not going to happen anytime soon though.
I am going through a small freak about issue as of late that involves a potential interview for a potential job that i hope i didn't potentially screw myself out of.
On Tuesday after getting three calls in a row from Marie (which i ignored because it was my day off and I didn't want to hear about how sucky her life is) i checked my messages to make sure she hadn't gone and got herself arrested or something and was calling me from jail to bail her out. Yeah it would be pretty hard to do from New York, but she knows I have her back.
I had 6 voicemails to listen to, and the fourth one (received on July 28th) was from an HR Assistant from a job I applied too last Monday. The job, and subsequent position, is with a company I use to travel to when i interned for Lenny and was forced to carry large cameras to and fro. I actually ended up LOVING this company because a) it was right around the corner and b) the people were awesome.
You can thus understand my 'holy shit, holy shit, i can't believe i missed this fucking phone call. what the hell am I going to do' freak out and it has been that way since Tuesday. I called the number back but have only been able to reach her voicemail. I am praying to whoever will listen that the interview portion is still open and that I may be squeezed in this Tuesday.
A billion and one things are running through my head. The way the job search is going, I get an interview (on the average) about once every three months. My last real interview was with BBC America in May and though I have sent out some promising cover letters since then this is my first response back in three months.
I cannot stress how important having a job is. Right now I pull in an embarrassing amount of money each week. I can afford rent, frozen food and my occasional splurge ( GQ magazine) but that is as far as my money can get me. And once my deferment is over I will have to pay my student loans.
I have every intention of participating in an UK production scheme, but because that will not occur until next summer I need a job before then. Combined with the fact that this is a company I am both familiar with and in like with, I am stressed to the max that I may have missed an opportunity. I'd rather have the 50/50 chance of being hired or not based on interview rather than not having a shot at all because I missed a phone call and my dumb ass phone (which I have voicemail problems with in the past) did not notify me of a voicemail last Wednesday.
So yeah, I'm freaking out.
What's not helping my headlong dive into FML (Fuck My Life) is my sudden personal problems with people at work. Kat is proving to be more emotionally dependent than I ever suspected. Naturally, I am a very moody person. I am a ball full of good energy paired with a sliver of sad introspection. It's a balance I'm okay with. Kat on the other hand is finding my sudden 'quiet spells' a little unnerving.
People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex. I do have a tendency of getting into spells of quietness. I am triggered easily by physical or emotional reactions to my enviroment (sometimes both) that I cannot understand or explain, and when this happens I isolate myself from certain people in order to re-group.
This Evan/Kat thing has stirred within me deep rooted issues of...jealousy. Not necessarily because those two are flirting it up left and right but because they have made a connection (whatever it may be) that I know he would have (has never) attempted with me. I admit I am not easily accessible. I am off in my own world/head for the majority of the time. But I am only ever asked to do group activities (outside of hanging out with my friend Toaster from time to time). As if being alone with me for a unforeseen amount of time is not...cool.
Case in Point: Yesterday I walked into the break room and Josh was chatting it up with the really pretty girl from cafe. She is uber nice, very dim and sometimes a bore but nice nonetheless. I was changing into my work shoes when Josh exclaimed 'god, i really wish i had someone to go to the movies with this Friday. it's been so long since I've been to a good movie'.
It was a blatant attempt to gage Cafe Girl's interest but she just sort of shrugged and looked at her magazine. He then turned to me, knowing that i work this Friday (because we'd just talked about 15 minutes earlier) and that I would have to say no while he got to appear chivalrous and polite. But of course he asked anyway: 'so how 'bout' it Beckett me, you wanna see a movie Friday'. I gave a look like 'really you are going to do this to me right now. use me in front of Cafe Girl to reject your invitation in hopes that the real target of your inquiry will say yes'. So of course I said 'nope, can't do it. maybe next time'.
But there won't be a next time, because if Cafe Girl wasn't in the room he would have never mentioned going to the movies, especially with me. And this has nothing to do with my tendency to bail because I have not done so in a very long time. I am just not the girl boys hang out with. I am the girl boys are just nice too in passing.
I feel threatened by Evan/Kat's new relationship thingy. I feel like the oddball girl who will never make real connections with people both because I don't know how and because they don't want to...with me.
It's that simple and yet I don't feel the need to have to explain it to people, especially Kat. I know it doesn't make sense, I know that I have black and white thinking with the absence of grey. My thoughts perceive actions without rational thinking. That's why when I get in my weird 'moods' i stay away from certain people until the negative thinking wanes itself. I can't really do that with someone pestering my every emotion every day though.
Once I assured Kat (for the hundredth time it seems) that my mood was just how I cope with things, I saw her check out a book from the store (store loan thing we have) about...wait for it...wait for it... Borderline Personality.
FML
This makes me very uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. She has a tendency of trying to understand every aspect of people in a relentless pursuit of some truth. Evan wants to be a therapist and has a tendency of self diagnosing people. The two of them together could get me committed if I'm not careful. I don't know if she's reading the book for her own personal reasons. I am not that vain to think she could possibly be reading it because of me but the timing is just unusual. And the Borderline thing has always made me feel...weird. I now know that skirt many lines accept this one, trust me. But the symptoms are sooooo similar to my bouts of anxiety and depression that I can't say I haven't in the past felt like I've actually bordered the line of Borderline.
The truth is I have a million things to worry about right now outside of co-workers trying to figure me out. I need a job, I need money, I need to be living comfortably for the first time in my adult life. And I really want this job.
I am going through a small freak about issue as of late that involves a potential interview for a potential job that i hope i didn't potentially screw myself out of.
On Tuesday after getting three calls in a row from Marie (which i ignored because it was my day off and I didn't want to hear about how sucky her life is) i checked my messages to make sure she hadn't gone and got herself arrested or something and was calling me from jail to bail her out. Yeah it would be pretty hard to do from New York, but she knows I have her back.
I had 6 voicemails to listen to, and the fourth one (received on July 28th) was from an HR Assistant from a job I applied too last Monday. The job, and subsequent position, is with a company I use to travel to when i interned for Lenny and was forced to carry large cameras to and fro. I actually ended up LOVING this company because a) it was right around the corner and b) the people were awesome.
You can thus understand my 'holy shit, holy shit, i can't believe i missed this fucking phone call. what the hell am I going to do' freak out and it has been that way since Tuesday. I called the number back but have only been able to reach her voicemail. I am praying to whoever will listen that the interview portion is still open and that I may be squeezed in this Tuesday.
A billion and one things are running through my head. The way the job search is going, I get an interview (on the average) about once every three months. My last real interview was with BBC America in May and though I have sent out some promising cover letters since then this is my first response back in three months.
I cannot stress how important having a job is. Right now I pull in an embarrassing amount of money each week. I can afford rent, frozen food and my occasional splurge ( GQ magazine) but that is as far as my money can get me. And once my deferment is over I will have to pay my student loans.
I have every intention of participating in an UK production scheme, but because that will not occur until next summer I need a job before then. Combined with the fact that this is a company I am both familiar with and in like with, I am stressed to the max that I may have missed an opportunity. I'd rather have the 50/50 chance of being hired or not based on interview rather than not having a shot at all because I missed a phone call and my dumb ass phone (which I have voicemail problems with in the past) did not notify me of a voicemail last Wednesday.
So yeah, I'm freaking out.
What's not helping my headlong dive into FML (Fuck My Life) is my sudden personal problems with people at work. Kat is proving to be more emotionally dependent than I ever suspected. Naturally, I am a very moody person. I am a ball full of good energy paired with a sliver of sad introspection. It's a balance I'm okay with. Kat on the other hand is finding my sudden 'quiet spells' a little unnerving.
People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex. I do have a tendency of getting into spells of quietness. I am triggered easily by physical or emotional reactions to my enviroment (sometimes both) that I cannot understand or explain, and when this happens I isolate myself from certain people in order to re-group.
This Evan/Kat thing has stirred within me deep rooted issues of...jealousy. Not necessarily because those two are flirting it up left and right but because they have made a connection (whatever it may be) that I know he would have (has never) attempted with me. I admit I am not easily accessible. I am off in my own world/head for the majority of the time. But I am only ever asked to do group activities (outside of hanging out with my friend Toaster from time to time). As if being alone with me for a unforeseen amount of time is not...cool.
Case in Point: Yesterday I walked into the break room and Josh was chatting it up with the really pretty girl from cafe. She is uber nice, very dim and sometimes a bore but nice nonetheless. I was changing into my work shoes when Josh exclaimed 'god, i really wish i had someone to go to the movies with this Friday. it's been so long since I've been to a good movie'.
It was a blatant attempt to gage Cafe Girl's interest but she just sort of shrugged and looked at her magazine. He then turned to me, knowing that i work this Friday (because we'd just talked about 15 minutes earlier) and that I would have to say no while he got to appear chivalrous and polite. But of course he asked anyway: 'so how 'bout' it Beckett me, you wanna see a movie Friday'. I gave a look like 'really you are going to do this to me right now. use me in front of Cafe Girl to reject your invitation in hopes that the real target of your inquiry will say yes'. So of course I said 'nope, can't do it. maybe next time'.
But there won't be a next time, because if Cafe Girl wasn't in the room he would have never mentioned going to the movies, especially with me. And this has nothing to do with my tendency to bail because I have not done so in a very long time. I am just not the girl boys hang out with. I am the girl boys are just nice too in passing.
I feel threatened by Evan/Kat's new relationship thingy. I feel like the oddball girl who will never make real connections with people both because I don't know how and because they don't want to...with me.
It's that simple and yet I don't feel the need to have to explain it to people, especially Kat. I know it doesn't make sense, I know that I have black and white thinking with the absence of grey. My thoughts perceive actions without rational thinking. That's why when I get in my weird 'moods' i stay away from certain people until the negative thinking wanes itself. I can't really do that with someone pestering my every emotion every day though.
Once I assured Kat (for the hundredth time it seems) that my mood was just how I cope with things, I saw her check out a book from the store (store loan thing we have) about...wait for it...wait for it... Borderline Personality.
FML
This makes me very uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. She has a tendency of trying to understand every aspect of people in a relentless pursuit of some truth. Evan wants to be a therapist and has a tendency of self diagnosing people. The two of them together could get me committed if I'm not careful. I don't know if she's reading the book for her own personal reasons. I am not that vain to think she could possibly be reading it because of me but the timing is just unusual. And the Borderline thing has always made me feel...weird. I now know that skirt many lines accept this one, trust me. But the symptoms are sooooo similar to my bouts of anxiety and depression that I can't say I haven't in the past felt like I've actually bordered the line of Borderline.
The truth is I have a million things to worry about right now outside of co-workers trying to figure me out. I need a job, I need money, I need to be living comfortably for the first time in my adult life. And I really want this job.
2 comments:
"People are confusing and complex, I should know because i am confusing and complex." - God, you said it all right there.
Are you 100% certain that Josh wasn't making a genuine attempt to hang out with you? if you are, you should totally call him on it.
Kat & Evan are lil babies. I know you are not much older (but you ARE, actually) and Figuring People Out is an important part of being lil babies. Going as far as checking a book on borderline personality disorder is creepy.
You do not have borderline personality disorder. Depression, anxiety, sure. But NOT borderline personality disorder. People with that are seriously, and i mean VERY seriously, fucked up.
keep trying with the voicemail job thing. honestly, in this case, calling every day isn't calling too often.
If that doesn't pan out, maybe you could get a job writing Tweets from other residents of the Natural History Museum. i think some of those dinosaurs would like to join the online social network.
Josh was not being genuine in any way. He has done that to me before; asking if I would want to do something (in front of girl) in order to get the other girl to join because he knows I can't go (that's how he invited the hawt new chick to the party this summer)
It's a jerk move but i don't expect too much out of him.
I sort of expect this behavior (flirty, intrusive thing) from Evan because he's 20 going on 21. But Kat's 28! I hope to gawd they weren't checking that book on Borderline Personality about me because then it's crossing some very thin lines I have about my own mental stability...
crap now i have to write a post about this.
I did call again yesterday. I spoke to the receptionist telling her that I couldn't reach the HR Assistant to schedule an interview. She said she would leave a note. Fingers Crossed she gets back to me soon.
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