A Long December

Hello December. How I am so not ready for you. At all.



The last few days have been a blur. On Sunday having spent 15 hours of my life on a train, I crashed into a several long term naps. I had crazy dreams about work followed by bouts of sadness when I woke up, which usually happens after I travel back to New York from South Carolina.



Thanksgiving was amazing. I was only home for four days but I managed to spend enough time with my brother and mom to make up for the short stay. We played Just Dance 2 on the Wii and watched Boardwalk Empire Marathon until late in the night. My mom of course made more food then the three of us could stomach, and I still think there is leftovers somewhere in her fridge.

I spent much of Friday and Saturday lounging and reading The War of Art, which was recommended to me by someone at work. He lent me his worn tattered copy as long as I promised to bring it back from South Carolina. The book is only about 120 pages and is suppose to motivate my creativity (he said). I have a lot to say about this book. Some positive. Some negative. I found myself rolling my eyes more than not. Remind me to write a post about this in the near future. And about Hipsters. They are destroying america.

Since returning to New York I have readjusted to my life again. In the south I don't think I even attempted to wear suitable clothing. I wore my old grandpa pants and college t-shirt and spent most of my time home inside only venturing out at night to look at the stars.

There is always this weird readjustment period after I've been in the south for a while. The days right after I leave the comfort of my house, mom and brother are kind of hard and lonely. Where i have this super strong support system at home, I come back and realize that I am sort of alone physically in New York.


Sure I have friends here and there, but I don't really have anyone to rely on. I come back and I have to make sure that things are secure, safe and comfortable for me. At this stage in the game I am the only player on the court trying to manage everything so things don't fall apart. I am of course thankful for the friends that I have made and the life I created for myself but some days I can't help but wonder if I have made the right decision.

During these readjusting days from vacation, I contemplate my move to New York. I wonder if I have made the right decision in choosing to live here. It's been two years since I graduated college and I wonder if the path I am on is the right one, especially because I often feel stuck at a very long red light. And facebook doesn't help either. Sure most of my 'friends', especially from South Carolina, are married and updating their statuses with 'baby number 2 on the way. my life is great!'. So yeah, I am not envious of them obviously but there are others whose life I can't help but compare myself to. Whose paths 'seem' paved in gold.

And I often wonder if I should have taken that left instead of heading right. If I should have taken another route instead of this one.

Case in Point:

On the train from South Carolina we stopped in Philadelphia for a little while and I was struck by memories of my short stay there. Looking back on it now Philly is like a really attractive, compatible, interesting guy who I never gave a shot to despite the promise and possibility we possessed together. When I applied to college my senior year of high school I choose schools in Philly because I was attracted to the city. From it's history and culture to sense of community and promise of Brotherly Love. The small university I eventually went to set atop rolling hills on the outskirts of Philadelphia and had that little bit of Northern pretentiousness that I like.

The week or so that I was there, before withdrawing from the university due to financial reasons, were not as bad as I made them out to be. But because I was nervous, sullen, scared and 18 I didn't even try to make my life in Philly work. The moment tuition became an issue I saw my opportunity to run away. I didn't even try to come up with a solution.

Everyone was so nice and supportive that week. From my roommates, to RA's, to every other very nervous freshman away from home for the first time in their lives. But I sort of pushed them away. My roommates were worried that I was spending too much time alone. The RA's saw that I was not adjusting well and suggested activities for me to participate in. I was assigned a floor buddy even, so that I wouldn't feel left out. I am okay with admitting now that I was probably that weird roommate no one could relate to. The weird one who people whispered about. The girl the RA's had to keep an extra eye on just in case shit hit the fan. And I wasn't helping with how sullen and distant I was that week.

I did have a small group of friends the first couple of days though, they just lived in another dorm. We met during one of the freshman orientation sessions the first day and hung out for a good while afterwards. The school was so small that the freshman class could be divided into majors for specific orientation related meetings. At a 'Biology Majors" seminar thing, I met a short girl with curly hair who I immediately latched on to out of comfort. We had to sit next to each other during a lecture and she complimented my James Dean bag. We did the weird awkward 'since I don't know anyone and you don't know anyone do you want to hang out' head nod and wandered around clueless together that whole day. She lived in the dorms a few hills away and we bonded more out of convenience than anything else.

She was roomies with a meek girl with glasses who was engaged to a boy who just joined the army. Meek girl was sweet and naive and spent the portion of our time together professing her undying love for said fiance. I found myself hanging out with Megan, I believe that was here name, and her roommate that first week, meeting up in the mornings to have breakfast and such. Megan was nerdy and nice but she wanted to socialize that week. By the third day of our 'friendship' she was already trying to dodge Meek roommate and I. I could tell that having two awkward girls following her around was a little much and she soon began drifting away.

Instead of trying to meet other people, I ingested this first form of rejection as a prelude to what my four years of Philly would look like. I spent the next week hanging out at the library a lot; writing Marie and my mom emails about how much I hated Philadelphia and my university. It's not to say that the situation was the reason I left. It wasn't even close to the reason. But combined with homesickness, private college tuition cost, and general anxieties it was all too much for me. I avoided my roommates the rest of that week and walked around the campus a lot. I spent more time talking to staff members than my peers. I quickly decided then that I wanted to be somewhere else.

But in truth I really liked Philadelphia. I liked the neighborhood and the people and the access to the city. I liked the culture and the exposure to Philadelphia from my tiny small university. I liked the row houses, and the parks nearby. I liked what i wanted out of my life there. And as I was watching all of the passengers get off in Philadelphia I wanted to grab my things and get off there too.

And trust me, I love being in New York. This time around, despite the minutes or hours I contemplate the decision to be here, I am happy with my life. I am still awkward and sullen some days but I have built and continue to build something here that is resembling the stability that I need. Before I headed back here Matt sent me a text message that simply read 'Beckett come home'. Maybe what I really desire most in life is to want and be wanted by the same things. I want New York to want me as much as I want it. I want Blue to want me as much as I want him. I want things to level off and meet eye to eye for once.

And some days I regret not trying to do that in Philadelphia. And though I miss being home some days, I don't want to regret my life here either. So Hello December. Another month to get my life here together. Nice to see you again.

Anyway

I am back to the grind again. I started work immediately on Monday and was thrust into the hell that will be the Holiday season. We have a bunch of new faces at Le Sad Store who will all need to be trained at one point or another. This will be a pain when trying to manage unruly customers and new employees who have no idea what they are doing.

Obviously I am not looking forward to this at all. I don't want to sound like a Grinch but seriously I sort of want December to be over already and it has only just begun. This year I'm asking Santa for a Job and maybe a pretty boy with blue eyes. I don't want anything else. I just want to be able to wake up on the weekend knowing that Monday is just around the corner where I will travel to my okay paying entry level gig. Fingers crossed Santa receives me Christmas list. I've been good this year.