April Showers.

So far I am loving the weather April has ushered in.

I am not a huge fan of spring because I have terrible allergies and general disinterest in the bug population making its appearance soon.

I am more of a fall chick. When the leaves start changing colors I get a small pang of excitement in my belly that I cant suppress. It is pure glee and excitement because the fall is full of wind chills and shimmering sunlight. AND i get to pull out all my sweaters and cardigans, which I wear all year round anyway, but it is most appropriate then.

But Spring is slowly winning me over. It's not too hot or too cold and these random spring showers have put me in a very relaxed mood. I wake up and there is no chance in hell the sun is coming out (at least until 4pm). The clouds are thick, heavy and gray. Spring wind is all consuming and powerful and it bangs against my windows during naps; though some might think this annoying I love the sound and have had some pretty awesome naps because of it

I don't mean to write this much about the weather but it is terribly beautiful outside. And for some reason the stillness and beauty and somewhat delicate nature of April reminds me of England. Of course I've never been to England but I imagine that it is always a little grey and rainy there. And anything that slightly resembles England in my heart puts me at ease.

The last few days around here have been hectic and ease is what i crave because of it. While I thought about attending Josh's big party I of course talked myself out of it by the end of the night on Friday. I was super annoyed that he decided to throw his party last minute only because a bulk of the people he invited (including myself) were schedule to close that night. ACTUALLY Josh was also schedule to work Friday night, but he of course did not (could not) reschedule his own party. So he attempted to find someone to cover his shift and when he couldn't he just ended up calling out.

Of course Friday night was horrible at Le Sad store. While Josh and friends got uber drunk and frisky Le Sad Store was understaffed and invaded by teenagers the whole night. Dan the closing manager that night and I felt all kinds of bad because we were a sinking ship and I had no idea how to keep us afloat.

I am beginning to have quite the crush on Dan. A school girl crush. I know. I know, it is totally wrong but he is such a nice guy I can't help myself. I recently heard a song by Kate Nash called Nicest Thing and it sums up my crush on him well.

He is my type on all levels. Smart, nerdy and in a band. He's like Ethan Hawke from every 90's movie I can name. And though I know it is completely dumb to have a crush on a manager type guy from work, I find myself thinking about him a lot.

Unlike my 'relationship' with McAbs I generally find myself wanting to be around Dan. And I am sure at least that he finds me an interesting to talk to. It's that whole 'god if you weren't like my boss I would consider you boyfriend material'.

I'm doomed.

Anyway,

Dan has a tendency of admitting when he is freaking out. Let's be honest he is only two years older than me and has no idea how he went from being a bookseller to a manager. There are times, especially when it is busy, when he will say something like 'I don't know if I can handle this' as if to break the obvious 'we are in trouble' tension. On Friday while I was also freaking out at customer service we both voiced our concerns about how we were going to survive the rest of the night with so little people (and terrible terrible teenagers).

I almost confessed that we had Josh to thank for half the store calling out but I held my tongue and made some half comforting remark that we would find 'someone to do this', 'right?' Though we managed all right that not, the party ended up fucking up the whole weekend at Le Sad Store. People were too hungover to come to work both Saturday and Sunday. Did I mention that I hate my job. With a passion.

I'm a little bit stressed about getting a new one. Loan repayment is months away and I will either need a whole new job or possibly two jobs to survive my post grad repayment phase. I really really don't want to have two jobs. I would much rather have one suckass jobs instead of two. This has been weighing on my mind a lot these days and I honestly to find something quick.

But I need energy to job hunt again. Lots of it. Seriously. I am sluggish these days which is not the greatest place to be mentally. The rain, while beautiful, is not helping much. I am in that place again where I wish things were a little different.

I love new york. I do. But there are some days when I feel like the city is taking a toll on me. Some days I wish I were more settled, instead of afloat. Some days I wish I understood what the hell I was suppose to be doing here. Outside of working at Le Sad Store or hanging out with friends. Becoming an adult is dreadful.